The Grill General We are now deeply embroiled in the grilling season, and the gentle man who promised to love me for better or for worse has once again morphed into the General Patton of the barbecue set, a tyrant with tongs who must not be questioned. Grilling... ( added 1 year 134 days ago.)

Oy, Vey! I was in a public restroom the other day, doing what one does in such places, when I realized that civilization - even the fairly savage form of civilization that has existed since Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl... ( added 1 year 189 days ago.)

Pull My Finger As a professional columnist who writes on matters of pressing national importance that frequently involve food-thieving dogs and sanity-stealing teenagers, I sometimes have to deal with difficult people. These people typically share a common trait... ( added 1 year 238 days ago.)

Pin Something On This Donkey It's a sad fact that no one has invented a decent party game since Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Now that was a great game, involving a sharpened object wielded in a precarious fashion by a blindfolded and highly excitable person. Pin The Tail On... ( added 1 year 259 days ago.)

Got Flaxseed? One of life's little ironies is that at the same time you are sharing a house with people who think they will live forever -- people (and I use the word loosely) otherwise known as teenagers -- Mother Nature begins to impress upon you the... ( added 1 year 271 days ago.)

The Power of Pigskin In celebration of the end of football season (yeah!), here's something I wrote back in August, at the beginning of another season of insanity... I suppose it's far too late to point out that I am definitely not ready for some football. I doubt... ( added 1 year 290 days ago.)

Crime and Punishment I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out -- Rodney Dangerfield Every once in a while, in a blinding moment of clarity that fortunately doesn't last long, I realize my family thinks I'm utterly insane. Such a moment occurred... ( added 1 year 303 days ago.)

Rompin' Rover Resolutions I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions And Mama my intentions were the best Randy Travis in "Good Intentions" Mark Twain once suggested that the second week of January is a good time to begin paving hell with all those "humbug"... ( added 1 year 318 days ago.)

Old Lame Signs You know how, when you're a child, and you don't correctly hear the lyrics to a song or the words to some hackneyed cliche that adults are always throwing around? Like the phrase my parents often spouted at me when, in a noble effort to be helpful... ( added 1 year 329 days ago.)

LBD Conspiracy It's funny how one's self-image tends to stay frozen in time. Your mind picks out a moment when you looked your best, sometimes a moment that occurred many moons (and many pounds) ago, and it goes through some kind of freezing process that... ( added 1 year 339 days ago.)

The Rock and the Hard Place Sometimes, when I haven't had to put down a toilet seat or listen to several rounds of a burping contest for awhile, I begin to feel sorry for today's men. Especially the young ones, those just on the cusp of the real world who don't have a clue... ( added 1 year 347 days ago.)

'Tis A Few Weeks 'Til Christmas ‘Tis a few weeks 'til Christmas and all through my house Not a gift has been bought, and I’m feeling like a louse. The dog chewed up the stockings I left in her reach without care And I’m hoping St. Nicholas will soon take her with him in... ( added 1 year 359 days ago.)

Of Mice and Martha Every year about this time, I harvest a new crop of hope that’s been watered by an abundance of denial. I envision a holiday season infused with peace, saturated with a spirit of thankfulness and goodwill. There will be no chaos this year, no... ( added 1 year 361 days ago.)

The Pig Story Ever since I can recall, my dad has been telling The Pig Story. He tells it with great flourish and over the years, he's perfected a series of coy pauses and soft smiles, delivered at just the right moment, that make its oration a work of art.... ( added 1 year 364 days ago.)

Gums, Gams and Games The midlife crisis is now an equal opportunity occurrence. It’s no longer just the prerogative of paunchy men using sex and speed (via trophy wives and sports cars) to drive off the deep end. Now women, once too busy bringing home the bacon and... ( added 2 years 4 days ago.)

A Family Plunges into Thanksgiving What do you get when you take a dozen family members of varying ages and degrees of regularity, put them in the woods in a cabin with one low-flow toilet and then stuff them to the gills with Thanksgiving bounty? You get, of course, a calamitously... ( added 2 years 5 days ago.)

A Mom's Days of Derangement I have teenagers living in my house. If you are at all familiar with this irrational and often irritating species (homo smartaleckus), you are offering me your condolences right now. You also know that these creatures are embarrassed by the very... ( added 2 years 9 days ago.)

Dude, Where's My Son? My son recently turned 13, and the last traces of that sweet little boy who thought I hung the moon seem to have vanished. In his place is a strange, slouching creature with a pencil-thin mustache and adolescent angst oozing from every pore. This... ( added 2 years 9 days ago.)