Divorce equals dying!Chris Cole (761)     George Cole Cross RoadsPosted Saturday, April 26, 2008 (21 days 14 hours ago.) Viewed 72 times. After enduring forty years of turmoil, I encountered a crossroad. A literal "cross road" with three directions to choose from; left, right, and straight up.The road to the right led to to new friends while keeping old habits. The road to the left led back home while keeping old habits. And last but certainly not least, the road straight ahead led to a new life. You can deduce which road I took by the title of this article. Change is a scary word to a forty year old male who is quite comfortable in his routine of finding prescriptions in order to hide from this scary world. I would like to deviate for just a moment and state that drugs and alcohol allow a person to hide in sort of a demonic-spun cocoon; a suit of armor shielding the wearer from life's bitter arrows. Drugs also inhibit the user's emotional and spiritual growth. When the user becomes sober, he/she will be in dire need of counseling and spiritual guidance. Back to change...I took the most challenging road. The road that led straight up the cross to where Christ's precious head layed during His crucifixion. After almost fifteen years of constant prescription and alcohol abuse, losing many viable jobs, and enduring two arduous marriages, I made the decision to follow the cross and its' direction. I cut all ties to old friends and habits and moved to a place where the grass is actually greener and approximately 300 miles from my home town. Almost immediately upon my arrival in my new hometown, Jesus Christ began working miracles in my life. I was lonely, tired and scared. I became vested almost immediately within the community of Fredericksburg, Texas. With the assistance of Christ and relatives, I started to withdrawal from many years of addiction. After a few weeks, I started to really breathe. I was able to contemplate God's miraculous beauty that surrounded me in this humble town. After ridding my body of toxins, I was able to secure a job with a local computer company and then out of the blue when I thought that love was lost and was a foregone conclusion, I found someone that totally took my breathe away at my local Orthodox Church. Gin (an ironic name, I know) took my breath away when I met her. Though, she did not just take my breath, she wanted to share life's breath with me and grow towards Christ with his hand holding ours. We both continue to be inspired and amazed at Christ's blessings which surround us at every turn in this little town of Fredericksburg. Christ performed surgery on me by cutting me away from a lot of demonic influences and environments that were dilemmas for over twenty years, and immediately began to build a new person inside and out. I am in awe what He has accomplished in six short weeks. He has provided me with a roadmap entitled The Holy Bible so I will never encounter another crossroad again. 
Permalink Comments (2) CallousesPosted Thursday, March 27, 2008 (50 days 23 hours ago.) Viewed 111 times. The clouds were adrift in an almost blue sky, while the sun's fury reflected back onto our faces. The beach's sand crept between our toes with each step we took towards the water. The seagull's squawks were silenced only by my intermittent breathing as I pondered upon my situation. The blue water of The Pacific was no longer a dream, for it was busy washing the sand from the feet of my friend and myself. The feel of the oceanic breeze was refreshing compared to the arid West Texas Desert in which I had spent thirty-eight years of my tormented life.
My friends' hand totally enveloped mine. His touch was soothing and reassuring. I studied the hand and noticed the callouses that were present from years of carpentry. The scars from misguided flails were also visible as he held my hand by my two free fingers. He knew I was afraid of the water and this was the first time I was able to appreciate the majesty of the ocean and all of God's creation.
As he held the two fingers of my right hand, I surrendered my remaining digits to the security of His left as I approached the awesome forces of the pounding waves. He reassured me by telling me to not be afraid, He was with me.
I told Him I was thankful for my beautiful daughter who had grown into a twenty-one-year old stable, mature adult. I reflected back on my daughter's past childhood and how thankful I was when she accepted Jesus Christ as her Saviour.
As the water crashed onto the rocks around us, we approached closer to the edge of the water. I let go of His beautiful hand in order to balance myself and regain control. I reflected upon my childhood. I remembered the travesties of growing up in an alcohol-infested home, or the son of an alcoholic. I remembered the pain of missing my loving father who only became belligerent after drinking. I recalled one night when my father became so intoxicated that he fell down in a puddle of blood after striking his head on a piece of furniture and my daughter walking in at the tender age of ten absorbing this horrible scene.
Tears streamed down my face, and I realized that I was not being supported by my friend's grasp. I immediately grabbed my friend's hand once more. I studied His hand and noticed that He did not have any fingerprints, but this abruptly went out of my head when I remembered the following: I recalled my father taking me to Manuel's Restaurant in Odessa, Texas when I was twelve years old. The dining area had a water fountain/wishing well where customers made a wish and tossed in a couple of pennies after wishing for their heart's desires. I made a wish that evening, not for my father to quit drinking, but for an Evel Knievel Motorcycle toy set. Approximately three days after making this secret wish, my father brought me the very toy/action figure set that I had wished for! I never told my father of my wish and I "wished" that I had told him this story before he passed away (April 13th, 2007).
I became braver as we started walking in about a foot of water along the ocean's edge. The water was cold, yet comforting. I noticed once again that I was supporting myself away from my friend's grasp. I thought long and hard over the events of my life. I was forty years old and I was afraid that I was becoming bitter due to experiencing two divorces. I reflected on my last marriage that continued to fill my soul full of tormented emotions, and asked my friend, "Why?" He paused while placing both of His hands on my shoulders and looked at me with clearest eyes that stirred the depths of my soul. He replied with the following, "It brought you here. It brought you to me."
After hearing my friend's truth, I grabbed His hand with all my might and squeezed. With tears streaming down my face, I cried, "Lord, I am so sorry for not being the person I should have been! I have done things that I am ashamed of...things that drove you away and the light from my life." I dropped to my knees and hugged Jesus will all my strength and begged Him not to leave me.
He replied, " I will always be here. If you did not experience some of your life's dilemma's, we may not have met upon this beach this very day. My hand and guidance have always been here, it has been up to you, when you chose to grasp ahold."
I watched misty eyed as the blue ocean water erased any evidence (footprints) of our walk through past retrospectives. I wanted to believe that the water's erasing made room for new memories and possibilities.
After His reply, My Lord vanished in the twinkling of an eye and a message came upon my heart: "He has been carrying me all along."
Permalink Comments (1) The Other Side of Me (Surviving a Double Life)Posted Wednesday, March 05, 2008 (72 days 22 hours ago.) Viewed 106 times. Willie Nelson quotes an old Indian story in his book, "The Tao of Willie." In the story, a wise and elderly Indian Chief is describing to a young boy about the heart of man (and woman). The Chief relates that two wolves live within the heart, and one wolf is a blood-thirsty, war inducing, negative creature, and the other wolf is a peace-loving, inspirational, loving, and positive creature. The young boy asks the Indian Chief, "Which one will win?" The Indian Chief responds to the inquisitive boy with, "The wolf that wins, is the one that you feed." This is the same within a marriage and any relationship that you are in. Your success depends on which "wolf" (within your heart ) that you feed. Will you feed the negative or the positive? I fed the negative wolf for over twenty years and I am reaping what I sowed by doing so. I have a whole "pack" to feed every morning when I wake up. I have the emotional scarring (and claw marks and bites) to prove my statement, also. My problem in my last relationship was that I was overly concerned about feeding and taking care of my companion more than myself. I have learned that if you do not love and take care of yourself, then you cannot take care of your companion, much less love her. I keep stating this fact, but it is very true: I am a slow learner. I have had to go through the trials and tribulations of two marriages before I even came close to knowing what I wanted. I was swayed by the glitz and glamour and the false pretenses of outward appearances more than the substance that lay beneath the make-up of my companion. A person has to be comfortable in their own skin and be able to be "alone" and completely independant before trying to "love" another person. This has been especially tough on me because I hated being alone until here recently. Now, I cannot get enough of it! I love myself! I did not want to be twice divorced and I tried very hard to repair the marriage after separation, but I believe God wanted me to learn a lesson. The lesson learned is to put faith and trust in Christ, not another human being. No, I am not bitter. I still care very much for my past relationships, but now I can put them into perspective and reflect on what "not" to do when I encounter another potential companion.
Permalink Comments (1) A Death In The FamilyPosted Monday, February 25, 2008 (81 days 21 hours ago.) Viewed 159 times. I have graduated with honors with a P.H.D. (Past Having Doubts) in Marital Relationships. I have survived two marriages and I am still alive and kicking, but just barely. I honestly do not believe if I will ever marry again due to the "Three Ring Principal": The Engagement Ring, The Wedding Ring, and The Suffer-Ring.
While my first marriage ended after eighteen long years, it is my second marriage that is scarring my heart after only three years. While dating my future ex-wife, I was swept up in a sea of an emotion with physical attraction overshadowing any hint of negative personality disorders that would have been discovered if I had paced myself slower.
Granted, I am shouldering most of the blame due to my rash decisions and not wanting to be alone and sleeping in a bed by myself. Once I met my future Ex, I had to marry her quick because I did not want anyone else to steal her away from me and my lonely heart. Little did I know...if only I would have put more effort into my studies of relationships, I would have slowed way down.
I felt like a Freshman in my collegiate study of relationships when I believed my ex (the second one that is) when she continued to quote to me, " I will never marry another person since I have you and we will grow old together and die together." She continued by telling me, " I love you and always will and if you were to die before me, I would never date another person." My problem is that I believed all of this "hoopla" and I had experienced it years before. I was a slow learner.
I would like to interject at this point and state that I still love my second wife. In fact, I did not suffer the emotional torment or pain from my first divorce that I am still experiencing from my second divorce. My belief is that I truly love my second wife even though I know we cannot live together anymore. My second wife loved me to the best of her ability. She was burdened by excess baggage that she was carrying from previous (doomed) relationships and emotional scarring that was brought into our marriage. Though, I am not assigning total blame to her for our pending divorce, like I stated earlier, I am shouldering the majority of the blame (and grief). The title of this article refers to death and dying. My second divorce is a blessing and a curse: The divorce is exactly like half of my body (and soul) dying. I have felt it daily. It is the worst feeling I have ever dealt with and is worse than experiencing my own father's death as I did April 13th of 2007. There is a physical feeling deep within my heart and stomach that shifts with pain each time I dwell on the separation I made from my second wife. I think this is due to believing my wife's testimony of "love" and really believing that she would never let me leave.
My second wife actually died to me by hiding behind her relatives and their persuasive arguments against our marriage. What was hard for me to comprehend is that I was just as close to her parents as I was my own. I was never contacted by any of my second's relatives in order to clear the air and see what really occurred. All I received from all of my second wife and her family was silence. In my book, "silence equals guilty." This can be compared to the (guilty) defendant in the courtroom pleading The Fifth Ammendment so as not to self-incriminate himself (or herself) with his/her crimes. So, technically I am experiencing a multitude of deaths: My second wife, my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, and brothers and sisters-in-law, and my niece and nephews-in-law.
My Masters Thesis was based on this statement: "Adultery is having sexual intercourse with someone who is not your spouse. If you have lived apart for five years and you are living with a new partner, you will be committing adultery with that new partner."
I have graduated with my degree in hand, but with an empty heart. Though I am full of drive and determination not to add to the cliche, "Three times is a charm."
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