Love in 90 days
Diana Kirschner (377)    
http://www.lovein90days.com
Posted Tuesday, September 30, 2008 (1 year 56 days ago.) Viewed 34 times.
Hooking up, that is, no-strings-attached sex, can be hot, mind-blowing hot. And it has become the norm for many college students, 20-somethings and even many 30-somethings. But there are high costs for this brief steamy pleasure. Impulsive in-the-moment sex is often fueled by alcohol or drugs, which makes it hard to remember that it is risky sex. Risks escalate if there is no condom, or if it sits in the back pocket instead of being put on. Chances are your partner is having sex with lots of others, no matter what he or she says. So the condom needs to be where it is supposed to be--protecting you from AIDS and other STDs. Not to mention saving you from having to deal with an unwanted pregnancy.
There are tons more reasons why old-fashioned dating rocks and hooking up may not serve you in the long term. Casual no-strings-attached sex can be an emotional boomerang that sets you up for heartbreak and disappointment both emotionally physically. Hooking up often leads a moth-to-a-flame burn-out: you get a giant surge of dopamine, the falling-in-love jet fuel that makes you crazy about your partner, plus oxytocin which bonds you to him or her. But often this hotwired attachment does not go both ways. Your partner may simply blow you off. Then you wind up discarded and heartbroken. This is the Flame Out Deadly Dating pattern that ruins your chances for a love relationship. It is the most common dead-end love pattern that I describe in my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding your Own True Love.
Meanwhile, the October, 2008 Cosmo (with Kate Hudson on the cover) has a must-read article called "The Truth About Hooking Up," by Laura Gilbert that you need to get. Laura cites all the latest research that shows how hooking up can be a big problem for women (plus she interviews me) I really want you to check out this article for some important surprises--like who is more likely to get certain kinds of sexual pleasure out of a hook up.
You can learn much more about the 13 most common deadly dating patterns and how to overcome them in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.
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Posted Tuesday, September 30, 2008 (1 year 56 days ago.) Viewed 511 times.
I think texting rocks! It means that no matter what you are doing you can be in touch with and connected to your loved ones. Texting has absolutely deepened our dating and love relationships. Now your "A" level friends, family and lovers can be in a constant secret dialogue with you. Of course texting can be overdone and work in reverse: how many times have you seen others texting away and ignoring you or others they are with? As a psychologist I can tell you that there are certain times when that is a recipe for disaster. So you want to take advantage of texting, but in a clever, balanced way.
My dating and love advice is to use it to deepen your relationships but not at others' expense. With that in mind, here are seven Do's and Don'ts to follow when you are dating or in a relationship:
1. Little steamy or romantic texts can go a long way in a serious love relationship. Remember that less is more because you can pick up where the message ends and begin fantasizing about the other person!
2. Breaking up with someone by text is a definite no-no. Ending a love relationship in this way or by email are signs of cowardice and disrespect both of yourself and the other person. If at all possible deliver the bad news in person or at the very least in a phone conversation.
3 . Revealing something embarrassing in writing is never a good idea. The message can be shown to others.
4. Using text to avoid speaking on the phone is sometimes the shy way out and doing so habitually will never get you over your fears. You have to come face-to-face and have straight truthful talk in order to have a whole relationship with another person.
5. Texting during a date is simply bad manners and rude.
6. Mass texting to ask people out on a date is a desperate act and will backfire later if people compare notes.
7. In the beginning phase of a dating relationship you are testing the waters so don't overtext. As the relationship becomes more serious, you can increase the frequency in order to plan things together, get emotional support or advice, and ultimately to send love messages.
Texting messages are the new love notes! And the new means of emotional connection, support, teaming and planning activities together. It's high techhigh touch time! You can learn much more about texting in the dating process plus the latest research on creating love in your life in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.
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Posted Monday, September 29, 2008 (1 year 56 days ago.) Viewed 103 times.
"All happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unique in its grief." ~ Tolstoy, Anna Karenina Personal excellence in your love relationship is not achieved by reading couples love advice or self-help books or dumping the problem partner you're with and going on to the next grass-is-greener pasture to find the One. It can only be achieved the hard way, through daily, weekly and monthly practice of four key strategies that keep love relationships alive and thriving.
How do I know this? I've been married to the same man for over 25 years. Happily married. We've weathered one of our families disowning us and refusing to even meet our baby girl because one of us is Jewish while the other is Italian; the devastating death of a child; a life-threatening illness; stormy fights; and the deadly boring stretches when we seemed to have nothing in common.
But today we're stronger, more in love and sexier than ever together.
These days marriages are dying out faster and faster. The average marriage is now under seven years. Yet research shows that married people are healthier, wealthier and happier. In fact, marital happiness contributes far more to personal happiness than any other factor, including work and friendship satisfaction. Bottom line: if you want personal excellence in your life it is critical to create, nurture and sustain a committed loving relationship.
Like a crusader, I've dedicated the last 20+ years of my life to finding the holy grail of love. Armed with an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology, I realized success leaves secrets. This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and ever-lasting love. While on this journey I studied happy couples (hard to find, but I did) and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.
These are the practices I've used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I've also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other couples create love that lasts.
The four keys to happily-ever-after are: 1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple; 2) Holding Listening Sessions; 3) Planning for Sex; and, 4) Resolving Conflict.
1) Spending Time Alone As A Couple Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you.
Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn't for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids' play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.
What Saved Us We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It's been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.
2) Holding Listening Sessions Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards. We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual. This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart.
What Saved Us We scheduled FORMAL Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other every other day. In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other SIMPLY LISTENS with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, we used a clock and honored a full ten minute session.
Anything that was said in that time was sacred and could not be brought up during an argument!
Sam and I still use these sessions to get to know each other all over again.
Mind reading doesn't work. You never really know your partner's world until you listen.
3) Planning for Sex Sex releases oxytocin, which is the cuddle or bonding hormone. This is the powerful hormone that triggers the nurturing instinct toward newborns. Sex also creates a shared endorphin release-so that the partners associate feeling good with each other. On the other hand, infidelity is the biggest love buster. So having regular sex is a good thing.
After we had kids, Sam and I made the same ridiculous choices that other young couples make, such as going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us instead of making love. We rushed around until we had finally checked off our entire to-do list, except for the last item. The most important activity of all. Then we wondered why we didn't feel connected with each other.
What Saved Us We set aside time when sex was moved all the way up on the to-do list, to number one. We made one of our weekly dates into a Regular Sexy Encounter where we played with toys, lingerie and videos, all in the context of having an affair--with each other. To get going on this path I would ask myself, "Would you be wearing this ratty bathrobe if you were meeting your new lover? What would you be doing or saying?" And Sam would do the same. If one of us wasn't in the mood, he or she would start to fool around anyway. And sure enough, the mood turned around and heated up.
Couples expect spontaneous great sex to happen like in the movies. But after a couple has been together awhile great sex takes planning. Then the spontaneity happens. It's like going to an amusement park. You need to buy the tickets, do a mapquest and clear your schedules; then you ride the roller coaster.
4) Conflict Resolution The latest marital research shows that happy couples relate to each other with a golden five-to-one rule. That is, they have five positive, loving exchanges for every critical or negative one. On the other hand, marriages with high degrees of conflict, with lots of contempt, criticism, defensiveness and the silent treatment are unhappy and very likely to fail.
I noticed that just like the other couples I was counseling Sam and I followed the five-to-one rule all right. But mostly in reverse. In fact, we got so mean to each other that we were riding what love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls a horseman of the Apocalypse. In other words, we were doomed.
What Saved Us We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can.
But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together.
We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a movie' we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice rewinding the tape' when you don't like the take.' We agreed that either of us could call out "Take Two" whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way-as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times!
The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, "Over 25 years!"
So there you have it: four magic practices that deliver excellence in your love relationship. If we can do it, so can you.
P.S. You can use these practices even if your partner won't cooperate. On your own you can find a few minutes of couple time when you can be a good listener; act like you're having an affair with your partner; or change your mean-spirited words into loving ones. If you do this consistently, 99% of the time your partner will join in and your love will thrive.
You can learn much more about creating a sustainable love relationship that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.
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