Dr-Cheryl-Guy blog

Dr. Cheryl Guy

Mending the Fence between a Mom and Her Teenage Daughter

Teenage behavior is as unpredictable as the bathrooms you have to use in gas stations, fast food restaurants, and rest stops along I-10. Some are pretty dog-gone nasty.

"The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually Like" with Dr. Cheryl Guy

Why is it that when our girls are little, we put bows in their hair, but when they become teenagers, we find ourselves wanting to tie them around their necks? Or is that just me? I don't think so.

Do you ever think that her demonstration of mother love is far less than your demonstration of daughter love in your home? That is the mother and teenage daughter love dance. We often times have our toes stepped on. I hope you will find encouragement in knowing that we all go through that.

Mending the fence between a mother and daughter can begin anytime you choose. Teenage behavior and its unpredictable ups and downs will always be the case. This would be especially true if she suffers from O.D.D. (oppositional defiant disorder) or bipolar disorder. Even as unpredictable as our daughters can be, Mom can begin to be the predictable one in the relationship though. She can allow her daughter to rest in the knowledge that no matter what her mistakes have been, the love for her daughter will never change. That is so comforting to me. I love saying that to my children. Their eyes light up with a sense of security knowing that they are accepted just the way they are and they are not required to be perfect in order for me to love them. I may not love their behavior or actions, but I will always love them.

Regardless of how you were raised, you have the power to connect with your daughter. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and be honest with her about them. Listen to her as she shares her strengths and weaknesses. Learn to keep each other more balanced and strive to rebuild a sturdy fence between the two of you. Broken fences are as useless as tits on a bore hog. They serve no purpose, so get out there and start mending yours today! She is absolutely worth it and so are you Mom.

Her Failures & Disappointments

The Teenage Daughter's Failures and Disappointments

Failures and disappointments are as natural as the dark roots in a platinum blondes hair. How do we as mothers prepare our daughters for the bumps and bruises up ahead though?

"The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually Like" with Dr. Cheryl Guy

In preparation for the hard falls that customarily come with dating, I often remind girls that dating is like learning to play the guitar. When one starts, they aren't good at it. Over time, with practice it becomes better.

Help your daughter to put and pull her failures and disappointments into their respectful accounts. Encourage her to talk about what is going on in her life. Take her away from her normal surroundings and get her into a different environment as you talk. Whatever you do, don't tell her that she shouldn't feel what she feels. She is entitled to feel the pain. Ordering it, depositing it, and withdrawing it back out is the keys to moving forward though.

Let her know she doesn't have to go through it alone. Moms and daughters can have a very sweet and special relationship during the teen years despite the relationship you may have had with your own mother when you were a teenager.

Peer Pressure & Your Teenage Daughter

If His Eyes Look like Two Cherries in a Glass of Buttermilk, He Might be a Weedhead

Mom, the potheads that parked at the top of the parking lot when we were in high school are not parking there today. The potheads of today may be parking their cars closer to you than you think.

"The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually Like" with Dr. Cheryl Guy

You may want to look in your own garage. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it is true. Avoiding the "bad crowd" was much easier when we knew who they were by their looks and reputation. Today, it is not so easy to identify who the drug users are.

Teenagers and peer pressure is much more difficult to steer clear of when they are cheering next to one on the cheerleading squad and dance line. Girls are trading sex for drugs underneath their parent's noses and they look just like your own daughter. How did we ever get here?

Teenagers need to be taught from a very early age to stand firm in their beliefs and be prepared to stand alone at times. During a group counseling session with three girls, I listened as they expressed great distress over feeling as if they were viewed as outcasts at their school. They had chosen to stick together and resist the peer pressures of alcohol, drugs, and sex. These were three very beautiful girls who were questioning their decision to resist these pressures and temptations because of their lack of a "normal" social life. I tend to talk very straight and direct so I didn't mince words as I described what society sees as "normal and socially acceptable". At the end of my description I advised them that the day they openly decided to bypass the act of sex and partying, was the day many guys wrote them off of their black book list. Partying and engaging in pre-marital sex seems to be the direction many unsuspecting teenage girls and boys have chosen.

I oftentimes advise my own daughters that all guys have a penis, and the majority of them desire to use their penises as many times as they can as they advance through high school. Mothers of sons, hold on before you heat up the keys sending me emails. I too have a son who happens to be twelve years old. I expect him to have the same feelings other teenage guys have. He will certainly have a desire to use his penis as many times as he can while in high school, but he must be in a constant state of self-control if he wishes to fight the urges that naturally come with raging hormones.

Today's times requires blunt force discussions about the dangers of teenage drinking, teenage drug abuse, and teenage sex. Allowing yourself to be in situations where your guard is impaired and let down offers up the gamut of possible problems. As a mother and counselor, I will never say "It would never happen to one of my daughters." It could just as easily happen to mine as yours. I am not naive enough to think that I have perfect children. I actually think I have very normal children who can be as easily influenced as the next. There is never a day that goes by where I am not using something that I learn to equip my family with more protection. That is what all mothers can do. Protect your family by gaining information and teaming up with each member as you fight for their safety. Peer pressure is hard to resist because the media makes it look so pretty. Teenage sex is not pretty though. Sexually transmitted diseases are not pretty. Unwanted pregnancies are not pretty either. Each situation can put much stress on a family.

Your Teenage Daughters Success in School

Evaluating your Teenage Daughters Success at School with More than her Report Card is as Essential as Stopping Your Son's Nosebleed in Church with his Seersucker Suit and Knee-High Socks on

Measuring school success encompasses so much more than A's, B's and SAT's

"The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually Like" with Dr. Cheryl Guy

In the adult world we've all heard the saying "It's not what you know, but who you know." During the high school years, it is actually the reverse. It definitely is not about who, but what you know.

I'm not necessarily referring to what you know about U.S. History or Newton's Law of Physics. I am talking about the knowledge a teen has about what they want out of their entire middle or high school experience. Time and time again, I ask rooms full of teens this question, "What do you hope to accomplish this year?" Their replies are usually, "To get good grades." That is a great goal, but they usually do not know anything about how to go about making good grades. The common answers of studying and doing your homework is only small pieces of the puzzle.

There is also a fine balancing act that must take place to juggle the demands of the high school experience. One part of the balancing act is the value of time management. Some aspects of time management can be friend time, boyfriend time, study time, work time, chore time, family time, exercise time, extra-curricular activities time, club time, cell phone time, computer time, sleep time etc. As you see, the list could go on and on. Teenagers typically do not enter their middle school years with time management skills already being fine tuned. That is where we come in as parents. We need to help them with this as they involve themselves in school life. What do you do if your daughter doesn't want to be involved in extracurricular activities? Be very careful of your answer to that question. We as parents need to encourage our daughters to get out there and try new things. If fear of failure is preventing her from trying, we are missing a golden opportunity to teach many valuable life lessons. Not to mention the fact that the more free time a teen has on her hands, the more time she has for her hands to be in other places.

One parent I counseled asked if she should force her daughter to become involved in school sports or club activities since she had elected to do nothing. I asked the mother what her reasons were for wanting her daughter to become more involved. She said she didn't want her to lose touch with her friends and she was worried her daughter would begin comparing herself to others who were involved, thereby affecting her self-confidence. After she named her concerns, I  eminded her that everyone needs an outlet to express their emotions, creativity, and passions. I encouraged mom to work with her daughter each night to help discover possible ways those areas could be met. Mom and daughter reported back to me with a list of possibilities. We then developed an exploration plan of the daughters self-discovery. The process involved mom's help and she rose to the occasion indeed. Mom sought answers to her concerns and became an advocate for helping her daughter tap into herself.

I encourage all mothers to do the same for their children. In my Rx Manual: The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually Like, mothers and daughters are presented with assignments to help with time management and dealing with the balancing act of academics in teen life. Parenting your teenage daughter can actually be fun if you allow it to be. Her school success is determined by much more than just study tips and good grades.

• Previous Posts:

• Mending the Fence between a Mom and Her Teenage Daughter
• Her Failures & Disappointments
• Peer Pressure & Your Teenage Daughter
• Your Teenage Daughters Success in School
• Keeping Your Teenage Daughter Safe
• The Loser Boyfriend
• The Right Friends
• Teenage Girls and Their Self Esteem

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