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Home » Writer's Blogs » Emma-James Life and Loves of a Therapist Emma James (201) Emma James Therapy and Training You Make Me Feel Bad! Posted Monday, January 26, 2009 (302 days 18 hours ago.) Viewed 47 times. Are you at cause or at effect? Do you give excuses and reasons for not doing things? Have you ever said "he/she MAKES me feel bad"? Well that is about as at effect as you can get. Being at effect is pretty much finding many reasons to blame our own reactions and behaviours on. We frequently blame others and events for our not achieving and when you do this then you are at "effect". When you move to cause, you are "at cause" for everything that happens to you. It is based on the fact that you create everything that happens in your world. No one else can react to something for you you have to do it yourself. No one MAKES you feel a certain way, you choose to react that way. Some may argue that other's actions and situations MAKE us feel a certain way. Unfortunately, no one holds us down on the ground kicking and screaming and injects us with feeling bad, frustrated, guilty, shameful etc. Those reactions can only be made and produced by us so ultimately we are completely responsible for how we react to anything and everything. The one problem with this theory is that we are all human. Being "at cause" is a wonderful place to be as all the negative emotion we take on board is firmly handed back to the place it belongs and in a way this is liberation or in NLP speak "personal power". We do need to sometimes be human and there are times when you want to be completely at "effect" and have a rant for five minutes and leap up and down. That is perfectly fine as long as you make the decision that you are being at effect, have a great time and enjoy it AND THEN move to cause. If someone else has issues, if they are reacting in a way which does not please you then look at their model of the world, look at your own communication, look at ways you can change this and if there is nothing you can do and this is the other person's issue then move to cause and decide that you are not taking their "stuff" on. There are ways of ensuring you are able to step out of that being at effect state and blaming everyone else for how you feel or putting cause wrongly outside of yourself onto others. So many times we get caught up in what others have "done" to us and we are of course blameless! When you have a sneaking suspicion that your own behaviour has in some way contributed to the onset of unreasonable behaviour then you may need to consider what boundaries you have set up for yourself and whether the people or person you are dealing with were in fact supposed to be mind readers and know not to cross those boundaries. It's amazing what people don't actually know if you don't tell them! BIO The director of Emma James Training Ltd is Emma James (amazingly!) who is a trainer of NLP, Hypnosis and Master TLT but also a Master Practitioner in all three therapies. Originally from Northern Ireland she has the drive and passion to constantly prove that NLP works, not only in her sport and coaching of others, but in therapy at her clinic and also in business application, taking people to levels they didnt think were possible. www.emmajames.net Permalink         Comments (0) Competing Confidence - NLP Psychological Coaching and Performance Posted Sunday, November 02, 2008 (1 year 22 days ago.) Viewed 20 times. Regaining belief in your competing ability can be difficult. This article relates to the industry of sports performance, the inflexibility between the various disciplines and a case study of competing confidence with a Professional footballer. When I run any adverts for my NLP courses I always use the word "pragmatic" in the description of the course. Something which always bothered me about my profession was that claims were sometimes that NLP was all you needed, it could change anything and you could create changes in any sphere you wished. What bothered me most was that ultimately our profession was doing exactly the same as others and in fact limiting itself within its own boundaries as the "only choice" One of the main themes of Neuro Linguistic Programming is that it is not a "do to" process, it is a "do with" which I perceived always to be an encompassing statement of not only the client or groups you are working but also the learning and experience you are developing and in effect the evolution of the techniques you are using. Now, the only way we can do this is by learning, understanding and utilizing the expertise and experience of other professions to in fact make it as "do with" as possible and in turn making the entire discipline as beneficial to those we work with as possible. The ethics and original intent of NLP work incredibly well with other professions and frequently there is an overlap which when taken out of its own context bear similarity and therefore should in fact be complimentary to one another. The reason for an introduction to an article in this way is to make it clear that, as a Trainer and also someone who works with individuals and teams as well application to my own competing, the discipline I teach and also practice can be a beneficial addition to any therapeutic tool kit. However, at this point I will not make wild claims that NLP is the only intervention required to deal with cancer, world war and getting your client to get off their backside and get on the track. There are a great many interventions which NLP uses but primarily, in a therapeutic context, it is used to establish and elicit a pattern of behaviour from root cause to exhibited behaviour and to the highest intention of the behaviour all of which can in fact have their own belief system and own ultimate goal. One of the issues with using NLP in sport is that when you are standing out on the track or pitch in a gale force wind with your client, working through a pattern of behaviour for example an over analytical thought process, to at that point suggest you go through a complex question and answer session plus a complete intervention is somewhat impractical let alone soggy coupled with a seriously bad hair day. One of the parts I teach is about adaption to the client and thinking "laterally" about how to apply what you are using. Using calibration skills to notice a state change in the client as they take you through the stages of the problem step by step, watching the eye patterns and listening to the predicates which will indicate which "language" system they are using in order to effectively then communicate with them in their own language pattern. A number of other basic and simple first steps to understanding the problem and in fact getting to the bottom of the real problem instead of problem they have handed to you! There are a great many ways the use of NLP can be incorporated into sport, the coaching of and performance in. Its another angle and has varying techniques which can be adapted and moulded to the individual client or team to produce the desired results. A very small part of that are the direct interventions the rest are elicitation strategies, values, rep system and communication infrastructure and recognition systems which will reframe and divert thought process and patterns. We use these from the smallest part of a competing strategy which is causing a problem right through to underlying causes of self belief issues acting as a block. Some of the skills we teach I honestly think are somewhat temporary unless the actual underlying cause of the problem is addressed possibly in the hope of diverting the behaviour or process long enough for it to ingrain. Again, working a sport environment, frequently you do not have the time on site to elicit the root cause as the problem needs to be addressed now. For instance, a football player I was working with had a situation that he was about to put on a transfer list due to a tackling issue. He had a crutiate injury over 18 months before which was fully healed and he had been given the all clear. The help he had received form the club at that stage wasn't working for him and he was referred to me. He had never quite regained confidence in the knee and tackling force he could use so as he came in for the tackle, he would experience a sudden loss of power. Up to that point, as soon as he knew he was going to tackle an entire thought process was starting which was negative and so he would enter into an over analytic process forcing him to go conscious at that point. Overall this was causing a loss of self confidence and in his playing ability as well as producing a sudden return to a consciously incompetent state instead of unconsciously competent. From the angle of what I do and the processes we use, we looked for the trigger, the moment both systems started. He was highly process orientated and so the trigger when he realized he was going to tackle was an internal dialogue which began. For that we used a anchoring technique which made the connection to the physical stimulus of that action and provided a new direction for the behaviour so that he didn't have the same internal dialogue. We also used a replay of the moment when he would lose the power which was when he drew his leg back to directly challenge for the ball which was the same leg he had the crutiate problem . At that moment we used another anchoring technique to collapse the sudden loss of power and be overtaken with a focused drive he had experienced in the past which we used. He then went into tackle with another player and found that the loss of power had gone and he in fact carried through in a committed movement without the fear or protective loss of power. Now, this was all carried out on site so no other underlying cause or interview was carried out that point so in effect these issues were only temporarily dealt with. On a one to one session at the clinic 2 days later, we then went into the underlying issues which had build over that period of time which had effected his belief in ability and was therefore producing a limiting belief. There is no quick fix as such for this and I covered techniques we use which I know are questioned but work for me. We used a values elicitation which transpired that his criteria had changed and his own success in football had been overtaken by an away from motivation of not wishing to let his club and family down therefore reducing his drive to move towards his goal. A fear of failure had also started which was blocking him and causing limitations. Along with sub modality work and reframing I also covered with him methods of changing the internal dialogue which then change the focus of what you want. This meant that he needed to practice it and there is no fast way of doing that and the main key is being able to recognize that you are in fact doing it before getting sucked into that vortex of self doubt and negative thought process. This takes time but eventually will change the overall process if they can stick at it. The outcome 3 weeks later was that he had successfully tackled at the clubs matches and he had in fact been taken off the transfer list. Of course there were ongoing small issues which needed to be dealt with over a period of time but none of them required further direct work with me and he could work on these himself whilst keeping in contact by email and phone. The example is only used as small except of some of the work which can be done but I really do want to emphasise that what we do is not something I believe is a "cure all" and in a ideal world if all the disciplines that are available could be lumped into one, then we would have something amazing. However, regardless of who does what, the only thing which should be important is the individual and getting results for them and watching them reach the potential you know is there. For further information about NLP in sport and performance optimization please visit www.emmajamesport.co.uk Permalink         Comments (0) Sexual Fetish Addiction - Social Issue or Real problem? Posted Sunday, November 02, 2008 (1 year 22 days ago.) Viewed 827 times. Something which is very prevalent in our society today is the fact that we have to hide our preferences which appear to be socially unacceptable. Anything which is deemed to be "deviant" is then assumed to be not "normal" and therefore should be hidden. This in itself then creates a behavior which is secretive and creates a feeling of anticipation which in itself is then felt as exhilarating and something which is breaking the rules especially if that person has a life where they feel they have to conform. Sometimes the issues are not necessarily with the client and does lead us to question whether it is in fact society which has the problem and not client, particularly if the sexual fetish is not harmful to self, others, a problem financially and is not feeling like a compulsion or addiction. Yet, I still get enquiries and see clients who feel they "should not" have the need or the want to indulge in something they enjoy purely on the basis it is not socially acceptable. However, when a sexual fetish becomes an issue, is obviously when it does become obsessive, an addiction, harmful to ones self or to another or others. Additionally there is the issue of whether the client can afford it, it is encroaching on their relationships or getting in the way of their lifestyle or future. As you well know, the variance of sexual fetishes is never ending and may be from apparently mundane attributes which we might never see as sexually arousing through to better known terms of experiencing that one preference which somehow fulfills our needs. The need for dominance, being subservient, visual or tactile fetishes like tights or pantyhose, physical fetishes like wrestling or female muscle worship, the sexual anticipation of visiting massage parlors or hiring high end escorts and so many others which vary and in a way give us something which we feel give us what we need in no other way anything else can. The point is there should be no judgment as each of us in some way have a preference in our sexual makeup just same as preferring blondes, brunettes, short, tall, thin etc. It is just that those preferences have been deemed as "acceptable" by not only society but also the press. When a client decides they need to deal with this sexual fetish, then the first step is to establish whether or not they need to in fact lose it altogether. Is it something which feels out of control? The problem is that if ultimately you do not want to let it go altogether, then no treatment will work. No doctor, psychologist or any other therapist will be able to help if in fact there is resistance at some level in letting the fetish go. So, the first thing we have to do is to decide if you do in fact want to completely lose it, or in fact you want to keep it under control and be something you might like to indulge in occasionally instead of it taking over your life. That way if there is agreement at some level, then you are able to conduct therapy effectively. Some of the issues associated with fetishes are when they have in fact become an addiction. A continual need to have that feeling fulfilled which then takes over so much of your mental space and energy it is difficult to focus on any other area of your life. Again, this is easy to deal with and with a combination of NLP, TLT and Hypnotherapy, depending on the need of the client, the compulsion and overriding need starts to reduce and then disappear. One thing so many therapists forget about is that you are now creating a very large empty gulf and if in fact you do not gain agreement from the client as to how in fact to full that gap then the fetish or addiction/compulsion can then come back as it is the only thing which will full the void. Also fetishes which are not wanted can also be a product of other parts of the self which have not been developed or are formed by past life experience or learned behaviour in some way. For instance, a client who required severe domination to the extent of being cut and experience blood letting had in fact formed the connection of release and that pain from when he was young and had been involved in a car accident resulting in multiple fractures and severe pain. The pain then turned into a kind of "rush" as he put it and a release in a way and then he began to seek that same feeling from other avenues. The problem had begun when he needed to be cut and experience the pain to that degree which he knew was taking him into a place which was not beneficial for him. That is when he contacted me. Some clients decide on something which is better for them like a renewed interest in self, doing something more productive for themselves or maybe taking part in another sexual activity which is less harmful or distracting for the client and they do not have the same compulsion towards. The approach I have with clients is somewhat different from other therapists as we look for the connections and what the client is gaining from the fetish and what it gives them and find another way of giving them the same feeling of pleasure, belonging, elation, anticipation, release that would be missing and possibly create another compulsion if not dealt with. So many therapists claim to be able to deal with fetishes but without understanding the client or understanding fetish and with the belief that a set treatment will "cure" them of their terrible affliction! I have to say that as yet, no one has yet shocked me nor have they presented anything other than a logical need or want based on their life experience and current requirements in order for them to feel whole. So, if your preferences/fetishes have become unmanageable in some way then do seek help but first look at the reasons you are about to deal with and ask yourself if it is because you are looking for an apparent social acceptance if it is not hurting anyone else or yourself in any way? If you would like more information about sexual fetishes and addictions then please go to: www.emmajames.net or email me at emma@emmajamesnlp.co.uk Permalink         Comments (0)

Archives: November 2009 M T W T F S S 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30           « Oct     Previous Posts: You Make Me Feel Bad! Are our Memories in fact Real? Competing Confidence - NLP Psychological Coaching and Performance Sexual Fetish Addiction - Social Issue or Real problem? Regaining Belief in your Competing Ability NLP in Sport - the Mind Body Connection for results Body Image - the she devil within All Posts by Emma James Related Posts: Changing oneself 5 Helpful Tips to Live in Accord with Your Other Half Creative Thinking Using Meditation How Our Priorities Change with Age Consciously Choose Your Social System How To Experience More Abundance Naturally. Learn How to Celebrate Your Limitations for Life Success Intuitive Insights and Meanings

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