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Katherine Bouglai

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5 Types of Emotional Unavailability.

Posted Sunday, November 08, 2009 (52 minutes ago.) Viewed 1 times.

Though I am not a big fan of categorizing people, in this article I would like explore the five different ways people can be emotionally unavailable. As mentioned before, one thing all emotionally unavailable people have in common is their compulsive avoidance of intimacy while they constantly keep looking for an intimate relationship. An emotionally unavailable person is never clear about being unavailable for a relationship. Even though they may verbally express where they stand, their behavior often suggests otherwise, giving out many confusing mixed messages. Let's explore a little bit more how they do it and see if this sounds familiar.

Eggs in many baskets type is the kind of person who is so terrified of being in love and loosing personal power, he chooses to be in several relationships at the same time. These people literally view the idea of a monogamous relationship as putting all their eggs in one basket. They often seem to have no problems with their lifestyles justifying their behavior by saying "Well you can't have it all in one person" and they don't really get involved with anyone. They introduce their partners as friends as they don't like using the word girlfriend. They swear they are not the marrying kind, although they typically do get married at least once in their lifetime. Many times the "eggs in many baskets" type will actually terminate the relationship if they feel like they are falling for the person. This compulsive behavior is usually a result of a severe heartbreak and it is more typical for men than women.

Involved with another type is someone who is either physically or emotionally involved with someone who doesn't meet all their needs. As a result they become involved with another to compensate for what they're missing. This type of behavior is typical for both men and women. An involved with another type doesn't see herself as being emotionally unavailable as she strongly believes that if the man she is in love with only loved her back and given her everything she needed, she wouldn't be going around looking for love elsewhere.

The lurker type. A lurker will tell you that he loves dating and meeting new people and actually mean it. This person is driven by the fear of letting their soul mate slip by and is always on the lookout for that special someone, while never settling for anyone in particular. Ironically, lurkers don't have a slightest clue of what they're looking for, but they will consider any candidate that comes into the picture, never ending that search for something that doesn't exist. Sadly, many times these people will actually lose the love of their lives and realize it when it's too late.

Serial monogamist is similar to the lurker in a way that he/she too searches for the ideal person as opposed to a real person. Unlike lurkers serial monogamists don't spend much time dating as they quickly get into an exclusive committed relationship with one person for several months or even more than a year. But in their relationships serial monogamists are more interested in how you make them feel rather than you. When these people are looking for a relationship, they would typically go for someone who is into them, rather than someone they are into as being adored by another is what gets them high and secures their self-esteem. Their idea of intimacy is intense chemistry and romantic intrigue. For a short while they are blinded by hormones and seriously believe that you are the only one for them. They will promise you the world, they will tell you they love you with all their hearts and then leave you heartlessly when the hormonal rush wares off only a few months later. These people are simply incapable of dealing with the reality of a relationship, in many cases they don't even know the person they get into a relationship with.

Avoidant is the most widespread emotionally unavailable type that sometimes can be hard to pinpoint as there are so many different types of avoidants. An avoidant may get into a relationship and stay there for many years, or stay away from all personal relationships and dating altogether for long periods of time. They may avoid all sexual contacts for months or even years, then go on a binge of one night stands. Avoidants are typically introverted and in some extreme cases can become antisocial. They are typically very honest and rarely cheat or play, yet it is not uncommon for an avoidant to live a secret live no one knows about. These people can be very damaging to themselves and the ones they get close with. They avoid intimacy by building walls around themselves and energetically pushing people away whenever they get too uncomfortable in a relationship. They avoid conflicts and confrontations at all possible costs pretending there is nothing wrong when the problem is quite obvious to others. Sometimes when confronted they can even become aggressive and violent, though most avoidants are passive-aggressive. They often use drugs, alcohol, pornography, videogames, TV and many other addictions to keep themselves cut out of the reality of their own lives and lives of those they get involved with.

Nobody really falls one hundred percent into one specific category -- many emotionally unavailable people are combination of two or more types or switch types during their lifetime depending on whom they are with. Typically people become emotionally unavailable because of a heartbreak they had to survive in their past. The good news is that every EU person can recover from their destructive relationship patterns if he or she is willing to do so. But that can only happen if they do it on their own.

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What Is Fantasy Addiction?

Posted Tuesday, October 27, 2009 (11 days 23 hours ago.) Viewed 72 times.

Have you ever found yourself being in love with a particular man or woman who doesn't seem to even notice you? You go home and fantasize about him or her being in your life, talking to you, being here in bed with you and the list goes on. Then the next day you go out and see that person again only to get a jolt in your stomach; you try to catch her glance at you only to look away as soon as that happens. You know she is unavailable and you don't want to take your chances. Or perhaps you already took your chances and it didn't work out to your advantage. The answer was "no", it may not have been direct enough for you, but what you heard was "not now." Time goes by and this person is still in your head but not in your life.

Fantasy addiction is bitter sweet, it makes you feel good at first but if you won't let go of your fantasy, it will turn into longing that will eat you up like a parasite. Letting go of a fantasy is not the same as giving up on a dream. There is a good reason why we dream and fantasize about the things we want to have. Having visions about what your heart desires is a first step to making it happen. However, lingering to those visions can only delay them from being manifested. And that's exactly what fantasy addiction is, lingering and earning. Eventually your dream will turn into a painful empty feeling of an unmet need that will prompt to do something about it and soon. Get your needs met or make them go away. Since you can't meet your needs at this time, you're only left with the other alternative. Ironically, the quickest way to numb those needs for now is to fantasize more. Now you got yourself into a vicious circle.

Interestingly enough, fantasy addiction happens because at some point we have given up on a bigger dream. Hard to believe, isn't it? Think about it though; remember the time before you met this person. How did you feel or think about falling in love back then? Did you believe you couldn't? Were you convinced that no one will fall for you? Were you telling yourself things like "love is for anybody but not for me" or "love will only get you hurt so why bother?" And then suddenly, out of the blue you meet this mysterious person who gives you butterflies in your stomach and everything you used to believe about love that was negative and discouraging, all the things you did not want to believe in the first place – are not true! Halleluiah! Now this mystery man or mystery woman is the answer. He or she is the reason or your proof that you can't indeed fall in love again. It is great that you feel this way now, but there is a trap. If for some reason your mystery man isn't into you as much as you are into him, all the negative self-talk you were giving yourself before he came along becomes true again.

Of course, there is a very good reason why this keeps happening. All the negative self-talk about love bringing pain and heartache, fantasy about unavailable person, unwillingness to take risks are serving you one big purpose – to protect you against this pain you believe love will bring you. Only the truth is that love never brings you pain, it's your thoughts and your beliefs that do.

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Are You Attached To Emotionally Unavailable Men?

Posted Tuesday, October 27, 2009 (12 days ago.) Viewed 43 times.

Sounds familiar? You may wonder why do you keep choosing the "wrong" person to be in a relationship with over and over again when you clearly know what you want. You know you want someone who is faithful to you, someone who is loving, committed and honest. Someone you can share your life with not just a few stormy nights and then wait and wonder when will you hear from him again. You know he is not right for you and you know you feel hurt as a result of his behavior but you just can't quit and you keep coming back over and over again.

Why is that so? Actually there is a good reason why you do what you do. It's all about your needs. You stay with this person because he meets some of your very important basic needs and you're frustrated and many times think about leaving him because there are other needs you have that are just as important to you that are not being met.

So what do you do? You may decide to take a "cold turkey" approach, cut all the contact with this person and be the "tough one." Or, you may just continue to go back to that guy and "figure it out" what this relationship is doing for you. Either way, this is a hard choice to make especially because our situations are just as different as we are. The good news is that it doesn't have to be that hard and you don't have to make this choice right now. The only choice you do have to make is to realize that this person will NEVER meet your unmet needs, and it is not his job to do so in the first place. It is your primary essential responsibility to meet your own needs. Aha!

How do you do that? First of all you need to know what your needs are. Sounds simple, but it is surprising how many people out there either don't know their own needs or pretend to ignore them, dismiss them, judge themselves for having needs and being too needy and therefore chose to deny their own needs. I am not talking about the kind of needs that keep you alive like food, air, water and rest. I am talking about the kind of needs that if unmet you will still be alive and functional, but miserable. Ignoring those kind of needs will surely not only keep you attracted to emotionally unavailable people; it will make you emotionally unavailable to yourself and others.

Is it really that simple? Yes it is, but as the saying goes, not easy. It will take a lot of courage, compassion, humility and determination to accept the fact that you have a need to be loved, accepted, appreciated and respected for who you are, a need to connect and share intimacy with another person, to be in your integrity, to be heard and understood, to be valued, and be with someone whom you feel comfortable asking to meet your needs. It is not too needy nor is it weak, it is just human. Knowing your needs to their basic core is the first step to progress in your journey from recovery from a destructive relationship to a healthy loving relationship you desire.