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Leo Ponder (264)
Leo Ponder


A True "I Love You" E-Mail

Posted Tuesday, September 02, 2008 (1 year 67 days ago.) Viewed 477 times.

I GOT MAIL

My first reply

Who do you think you are? Sending me an e-mail saying "I love you" Signed "Mike." Did you think I would like it? Can't you think of more to say than three words? Well, I don't know who you but I will find out. There's not that many "Mike's" you know.

There should be a law against this kind of behavior. You make me sick. I've heard about people like you who run around spewing out your kind of venom, then laughingly retreating back into your little dark corner while waiting on another victim, like a poisonous black widow. Well it didn't work this time. I won't put up with such foolishness. You are the scum for sure. Is that all you have to do, sit at your little poisonous computer and send out "I love you" letters. Well, get a life. I bet you send everybody the same thing. You don't know what "love" is, all you know is how to type eight letters and half of your name all of which matches your brain. I would not take any thing you say seriously. Did you ever stop to think that when you go around telling people you "love" them that you may hurt them. Do you think people just sit around waiting for some one to say they love them. Well, I'm not one of those. If you were really serious you would leave your full name. Not that I care ,you are one of those that probably lies all the time and can't really know the meaning of "love". I really pity you since its obvious you have never been loved and you're sending out help signals. Well try and get some help because you need it!

And don't think I'm sitting around waiting on the likes of you to say things like you say if they are not serious. I'm not! I won't wait on three words. I don't need your love, I have a dog that loves me, thank you very much. Love is a shared mutual feeling between two people that never stays the same but grows. But you wouldn't know about that! I've loved and been loved before and I know all about love. It's a wonderful thing. Maybe you could learn and be sincere when you say those words .I dearly hope so. You have a lot to learn.
signed:
your worst nightmare

 

My second reply

Dear Mikey,

Well how are you? Did you receive my e-mail day before yesterday? ha haI
I understand you are a 6th grade classmate of my daughter. Anyhow my daughter was very sad yesterday and do you know why she was sad? She said this boy was supposed to send an e-mail saying if he like liked her and uh.. well anyhow she said that he didn't send the e-mail and further more he didn't speak to her all day except to say that he would never, ever tell anyone that he liked them. Ever.
 Any how, Mikey, I was wondering if you could tear uh.. I mean like delete that ole e-mail that I sent you and don't tell my daughter about it. Maybe we (my daughter too ha ha) could go to the new pizza parlor and like maybe bowling and movies and you know like every thing, man. cool. groovy. uptight.

If you want you can e-mail my daughter at her mail which is lovergirl@younowhere and remember don't mention the silly ole e-mail. Also there's putt-putt, paintball........


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We Desperately Need To Keep William Jefferson Clinton

Posted Saturday, August 30, 2008 (1 year 70 days ago.) Viewed 39 times.

This may sound strange but think of this country without Bill at the helm.No adult entertainment. No sex education. No mysterious murders, of his close friends, to solve. (this one used to keep us busy by its self). No Chinese renters. No more lexicography lessons. (if he had to teach us the meaning of a little word like "is", just think of what he could teach us of much grander syllables.)

I mean its enough to make a man revert to puffing the "El Cheapo cigaro" again. What else can we do but watch boring, sterile t.v. when Bill leaves. There must be some way to keep him for a third term. God, think about it, George and his sickening morality. Gore and his never ending bragging. We could end up permitting the children back watching prime-time t.v. instead of shooing them out of the room, or worse yet, we could watch congress pass bills to limit the number of bills, instead of a rousing fight on the floor of the senate to call some dumb blonde to testify about how Bill accosted her in her hotel or even better, detailing on the floor of the senate as to where Bill's birthmark really is located.

Get the picture yet? We need to keep him. He's our only deviation from life's boring routine. We really ought to petition congress to allow him one more term, at least. By then my children will be grown and Jennifer will be an old hag. But the next four years (or eight?) would be a hoot and maybe by then Monica will write a bestseller. (maybe indicating where that birthmark really is)

Another excellent reason to keep Bill stems from the male chauvinistic psyche and it's a question all men have a burning need to know. How does he keep his wife so deliriously HAPPY? (and out of divorce court). I mean this man has genuine talent!

He even has the feminist majority drooling. What true blue American male wouldn't give to download that from his secret files. I mean the most important truths to a male are still to be learned from our President. How many good men have lost it all because of one night working late (it's always with his secretary) or a speck of lipstick on the collar? How many wives would fault Falwell and the religious right for that!!? Or better still jaunt off to some big city and run for the Senate. Not many, I'm convinced of that!

Personally, his last eight years has enlightened the spirit of cheerfulness and ease in America. No nuclear bomb threat. No war. No time for all that non-sense. We (and it seems the world) are waiting on the next act from W.J. Then we can settle back in our easy chairs, with a calculated sigh of relief.

Where are we going to find another William Jefferson Clinton. Even the name invokes greatness. He will be on the lips of many for years to come and he will have succeeded in changing the boring lackluster of the office of President of the United States of America. Write your congressman!


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How I Buy New Tires-Inexpensively

Posted Wednesday, August 06, 2008 (1 year 94 days ago.) Viewed 640 times.

I just had the tires replaced on my car. I didn't get the new valve stems. I didn't purchase the extended warranty. I didn't want the white walls. I didn't get the hundred thousand mile tire(or is it the 50,000 mile? I don't know, I never buy it) I always ask if they have anything under 500 miles.
SALESPERSON: "No, all we have is a 10000 mile cheaper tire, but you don't want that."
ME: "Yes, I do"
SALESPERSON:: "No you don't."
Me: "Yes I do."
Salesperson: "No you don't."
Me: "You mean you won't sell it to me?"
Salesperson: "Yes, but you don't want it."
Me: "If I can convince you that I truly, truly, with all my heart, want it, will you sell it to me?" Salesperson: "Yes!"(Now we're getting somewhere)

Pointing at a sign on the wall, while adroitly avoiding all the contemptuous stares of the tire buyers forming in the line behind me, I hitch up my pants a notch and exclaim in a very righteous tone.

That sign says "the customer is always right ,right?
"Right."
"Then I am a customer and I want that tire! I have worn out four sets of that tire and I want another."
 "Sir! You don't have to shout, We have no problem selling you that tire."

If you think these clerks are not Psychological Salespersons, you're right they justbecome very angry when anyone doesn't fall into line, as most do, and purchase what they recommend (the most expensive and unnecessary add -ons) The general public is as guilty as the salesperson, who becomes terribly offended if you don't accept his superior knowledge. That becomes much more evident as the purchase progresses.

"Want new valve stems?"
"NO," and here we go again.
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure."
"Are they broke or something?" (that is about as close as I could get not being very knowledgeable about valve stems)
"No but they are probably getting old".
"Oh well then that's alright the whole car is approaching the age of Aquarius."
"O.K but I'm going to have to write that down."
"Please do."
It's becoming a little humorous, and I actually am beginning to enjoy it.
"How about the extended warranty?"
"What do I need that for, I'm just getting the 10,000 mile one."
"Sir, the extra warranty extends past 10,000 miles."
(Great I've just been vindicated on that one. They have just admitted that the cheaper tire will actually exceed 10,000 miles almost as much as the more expensive ones, which I already knew after two identical sets.
 
"No Thanks.".
"Do you want the super spin balance?"
"No!"
"But Sir," (She now looked as if she was ready to cry) "everyone gets the balance, it tests the tire by spinning it at very higher than normal speeds."
"That's my teenage son's job. I'll bet he can test it higher than you can."
(Now she's staring over the top of her glasses at me instead of thru them. I've got her going now)
 
"I have to write that down too so that we are not responsible."
"Responsible for what, I query incredulously? Are the tires defective?"
"And I suppose you don't want the road hazard guarantee either," she snarls.
"I have a very clean street"
"One last thing," she brightens up at a possibility of a charge," We have to bill you a fee for disposal of your old tires."
"That's not necessary, my wife likes to paint them gold and plant flowers in them."
"And I can always stack them neatly next to the street and the next morning they are miraculously disposed."
Now she is staring exclusively over the rims of her glasses. A few chuckles from behind in the line.
"Sometimes she paints them white" I said, trying to avoid her stare.
"In your Trunk," she hissed.
"Preferably" I countered.

 By now she decides I am hopeless and calls the mechanic who picks up the work order and the keys and becomes very agitated as he reads.

"Sir you don't want this tire."
"I take a deep breath, point to the sign, and begin. If I can convince you truly, truly, with all my..…"
"It's alright", says the first saleslady, " just install them."(She now becomes my lawyer albeit with much contempt)

I actually bought the tires so cheap the head sales man accosted me in the parking lot and offered to buy them back with a very reasonable offer.When I declined He wished me a good day( he sounded very glad for me to be leaving)

"Thanks" I said "Actually I was thinking what are my chances for your oil and free lube special today"

 


        Comments (3)

Ufo's and Star Trek- Could It Be True?

Posted Monday, August 04, 2008 (1 year 96 days ago.) Viewed 322 times.

I know the true story. The Star Trek series were real and after much research I can prove it. After two weekends at the library and a whole Saturday afternoon at the home of a real trekkie, I discovered hard evidence of the Star Trek "T.V" series and U.F.O'S being one and the same! And the final proof came from the government itself. They denied it! I called the state department and asked for the Star Trek "Files" and they immediately became very belligerent. I knew then I was on to something.

While poring over the trekkie's collection of books and memorabilia I noticed that Star Trek originated about 1966, the same time the bulk of U.F.O. sightings were recorded around the world. A coincidence, I don't think so.

I have even seen them myself, most recently at a Dallas Cowboys football game(where the Cowboys threw five interceptions) I noticed strange lights in front of my eyes and around the stadium. I'm almost certain that the U.F.O's were screwing with Troy that game.

Carrying on with my investigation I called the Secret Service( I had once applied fora position and I thought my ties to the Service would help) Pay dirt!! I asked if they would send me any files on the Star Trek thing and they asked for my name and address so they could send it to me when they cleared it with Captain Kirk. (Boy he has a lot more power than I thought.) I pushed a little further and asked did they have any idea how long that would be. That Secret Service is really some thing, They have to use code words on all most every thing. They mentioned something about when "Hell freezes over" Not knowing the code(of course) I have to wait until my application is approved.

And I know it will, they gave me the same code when I called them about my application for employment.

The cancellation of Star Trek Series at the very height of it's popularity is another dead giveaway that it was linked to the U.F.O.'s ( U.F.O. is also code initials for "United Foreign Offices" The cancellation of Star Trek was necessary to forestall an expose' of it's real intents and purposes. Those purposes were complex but clear. "To travel to distant planets, colonize and install Democrats as heads of those celestial bodies." Thats why the democrats have controlled Earth's Congress so many years. But the Klingon's (Yes they are real too!) put dampers on the United Foreign Offices (Democrats).

Now stay with me. I've researched this at least two weeks without much sleep and I have more shocking disclosures. I have reliable information that the Republicans, furious about the Democrat insolence, actually started the "Star Wars" phenomenon.. cp3o, r2d2 and others in Star Wars are now reposing in the "Area 51" top secret government installation in New Mexico waiting for a come back to finish off the Trek Threat. Every one has read about the "aliens" hidden at Area 51.

Obama and Gore were handpicked by the "Offices" many years ago.(Gore actually did start the Internet) in preparation for coming conflicts such as the movie "Independence Day" warns about.(A Republican warning to the Democrats of what might happen if Obama wins this recent election.) For proof, if McCain wins, look for increased activity around Area 51.

There are many more subtle warnings out there. Now That I have exposed a lot ofit you will probably see more U.F.O. activity this coming year depending on the outcome of the election. If McCain wins look for Star Wars sequels and If Obama wins we will see Nimoy on more talks shows.

But what ever happens don't panic, I have it on a very good source that the Republicans have planted millions of clones, (secretly, in the sperm of unsuspecting donors), of John Wayne(to clean up this mess) And this is why the Democrats and National Organization Of Women(whose initial code really is "No Ordination of Wayne" has fought tooth and nail for Abortion. They know (and rightly so) it's their only chance.


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