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Mary Fagan

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Now I Am Hearing Voices

Posted Saturday, August 08, 2009 (92 days 14 hours ago.) Viewed 57 times.

Last night, I drove over the curb going into a Subway for a late dinner. It was late, dark and I was in new surroundings and that is my excuse. After I drove over and felt the first thump of the car over the curb, I began to hear voices.

Yes, the voices at first sounded like those of concern and a were a bit scared. They sounded something like, Mommy, are we okay? Did we do something wrong?

Then the voices started to change into a bit older sounding children and I heard, Mom. What are you doing? and then I distinctly heard, You didn't see that? What are you, blind?

I heard the last voices from my own personal "radio-from-the-past" when the back tires crossed over the curb and it was all over with. These were just snickers and snorts with a more adult-like older sound. I think I heard some eyes rolling too but you have to listen very carefully for that.

All the voices were familiar and were playing through my head because I was without any kids to provide the real thing. Luckily my subconscious helped me out and filled in the blanks. And I did all this in the eyes of the law.

Yes, I did and it was of more concern to me that I decided to do such a maneuver at a Subway with two (yes, TWO) police cars parked in front of it, and both officers of the law sitting there watching the whole thing. My friend told me to sit in the car for a while and see what they would do. I said, Naw. I am going in and hitting this head on. (She did laugh at my choice of words putting me in a good frame of mind to pull it off.) I went in and said boldy, So, how do you like my driving? Thankfully, they smiled and took the opportunity to look me over for signs of inebriation or dimentia.

Yes, they did see me and wondered if I had been drinking. I assured them that I had not and we giggled (outwardly and because the cops were there. Any other time I would have been giving them an eye roll and exasperated sigh because the clerk told us they were closed for business.)

We headed out, me still a little shaky about performing my curb jumping event in front of two cops, and don't you know I don't see the red light in front of the Subway until the last minute? I jerked to a stop and then, when the light was green, did a quick turn into the McDonalds on the other side of the street where I mistakenly headed into a handicapped spot (and I heard voices once again, Yeah - this spot is perfect for you from some sniveling little teenager in my head) and hoped the officers were still deeply engaged in their footlong and soda beverages. It wasn't until after the second bag of fries that I calmed down.

I do wonder how long I will continue to hear voices. Only time will tell. I sure as hell am not going to.

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I Am a Facebook Loser

Posted Monday, February 23, 2009 (258 days 17 hours ago.) Viewed 2,444 times.

Yes, that is me. I opened a Facebook account just to cash in on $25 worth of free advertising. I wanted to remain anonymous so I posted no photos, etc. that would identify me. Low and behold, my nephew found me, told my kids, and then all hell broke lose. Apparently this makes me a big loser as the site is for younger people - younger people than me.

According to my children, lame, lonely, pathetic, friendless, or people of dubious character are who makes up the Facebook older set. (And how is this like me? Don't they understand the value of a dollar? I said free advertising - $25 worth. What's not to understand?)

I had to laugh when my husband's friend, who is even older than me, found me on Facebook. My kids really like him and think he is cool. I thought his acceptance of me would get me a bit of a pass, but no. He is a loser too. I plan on breaking this to him gently as he is older and probably can't handle too much stress or excitement.

While I was on Facebook, I noticed something called a poke. Not having a clue what it was and being terminally curious, I poked my daughter. Nothing happened - until about 4 hours after when she sent me a seething e-mail about not poking her again and another dire warning to stay off of Facebook.

It seems a poke is nothing. The other person just gets an e-mail saying that so-and-so poked you. This simple little virtual mode of annoyance made me want to poke and poke her again.

Why is it, that after all these years, my kids don't learn how to manage me? If they really wanted me to get off of Facebook, they would constantly pester me, fill my space with useless drivel and ask me incessant questions like they do in real life. With this mystery unsolved, my Facebook account lives on and has become my entertainment.

I admit I felt a bit overexposed when my niece found me and posted photos of me sewing on a quilt with my reading glasses on so that I look like Granny Moses' older sister. All I needed was a shawl. Oh, wait, that was on my lap.

At least she posted a more flattering one of me vamping under a Twilight movie poster that she took when I dropped the kids off at the theater recently. Lest you think that I am really a loser, I didn't watch Twilight at the theater. I just picked the kids up there. I noticed that the audience was about 99.8% teens and young adults and I know my place.

Boy, I would have been a real loser to have gone in to watch it with them.

Instead I read the books. I prefer to be a loser in the comfort of my own home.

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Effective Return Policy - Cute Kids Eliminate Post-Holiday Hassle

Posted Saturday, January 03, 2009 (310 days ago.) Viewed 1,710 times.

The gift that needs returning can pose a problem for some of us but luckily there is a way to cut through that red tape and no receipt hassle - teen girls.

If you dont have any of your own, I am sure that you could work out a deal with a neighborhood teen or a friend's child as they are a money-hungry bunch, and as the following true-life story will illustrate, quite savvy.

My two daughters and I had some holiday gift returns to make. I had my receipt and the actual bag the item came in. The young women had nothing but the item itself.

I went directly to the store I bought the item from.

The young women went to a store they knew the item didnt come from, but knew that it carried similar items.

I told the two girls not to take that item to that store as it was not very honest, and it would be embarrassing when they were found out. (Silly Mom!)

I was assisted by a young male sales clerk. He asked for the sales slip, my address, phone number and had me sign a paper. I was issued a credit even though I had a receipt. I spent a lot of time trying to find something to buy all on my own as I pretty much got ignored.

At the other end of the mall, my charming young offspring struck up a conversation with a young male sales clerk. They giggled and talked about so many things, none of them related to the item or to the store. The clerk was unable to identify the said item as one sold by this chain. None the less, the young women exchanged it for something similar. The young women were very pleased with themselves and really liked their new item that they spent the better part of a half hour shopping for with the personalized attention of the sales clerk offering his advice about their selection.

When I got home they told me of their easy exchange. Noting the difference in our gift return experiences, with a bit of bristle on my part, I got some advice punctuated by two sets of eyes rolling and the duh look I have grown so accustomed to. "Mom, you really need to be a bit more selective. Find an older man working there and act real sweet."

Act? I am sweet! Older man? The truth is that I didnt know what was worse: The fact that I had to jump through a lot more hoops for my exchange or that it was because I no longer as "interesting" as I used to be. I would have wrinkled up my face but I was afraid it would make matters worse for future merchandise exchanges.

Now I will be tempted to send the young women out for my returns until such a time that I can get a fair shake without using theirs.

Truth be told, I wouldnt be able to live with myself if I really did follow their advice and lately it's been harder and harder to find salesmen older than me.

I used my store credit for wrinkle cream and an exercise book. Hope springs eternal.

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Now I Am Hearing Voices

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