Self Care

Email Conflict: The Ping Pong Effect and Mono-blogging

Email conflict happens, even with the best intentions behind a message. Email conflict occurs when two or more people try to address a concern using email as the main form of communication. There are three challenge points to consider when attempting to manage conflict through email:

1.       There is an assumption that the recipient fully understands what the sender is trying to communicate, regardless of the fact that ALL non-verbal communication is absent. This includes: volume, tone of voice, facial expressions and other body language. The rest of the story is then interpreted to be what the recipient might imagine or assume about the sender.

2.       There is an assumption that if a conflict shows up in one’s email box it should be addressed via email.

3.       There is an assumption that conflict can be addressed more easily via email because pressing the send button is much easier when there isn’t a person to face in that very moment.

Let me tell you from experience that managing conflict through email is a lose-lose situation. Email conflict almost always snowballs into an avalanche when email continues to be used to address an issue because emotional expressions are sent in writing. And, they bounce back in what seems like a permanent form -- black and white (or worse in bold red). Personal emotional expressions can also be bounced to any number of people who should never have witnessed the conflict in the first place. Think of a time when you received an email you felt you shouldn’t have received. I’ve made my own mistakes doing this and I’ve witnessed what I call the ping-pong effect. This is where a recipient is copied into an email which banters back and forth between two people -- who really need to sit down and simply have a personal -or- if need be, a mediated conversation.

What to do

As soon as you recognize an email conflict, the first thing to do is stop communicating about the conflict through email. If you are copied into an email conflict between others, simply reply to the parties with a short statement suggesting that they manage the conflict face-to-face rather than through email. Face-to-face communication can be much more effective and save a lot of time. One of the biggest unfair fighting strategies I see employed in email is what I call mono-blogging. Mono-blogging is the act of writing out a monologue in response to an emotionally charged issue, knowing that after pressing the send button, the email will be delivered to someone’s inbox forcing them to read it without the opportunity to respond face-to-face in that moment. This mirrors what The Conflict Center teaches to be an unfair fighting tactic called monologueing. The acts of monologueing and mono-blogging actually perpetuate a conflict because they do not allow for listening. Instead, the goal becomes to convince the other that one is justified in a position or situation by laying out a monologue. This is a way to try to control a conversation and avoid listening. It becomes a power struggle instead of an opportunity for both parties to seek a win-win solution.

• Previous Posts:

• Email Conflict: The Ping Pong Effect and Mono-blogging
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