fak's worldMike Fak (2,994)   Mike Fak   http://mikefak.com It Takes All Kinds To Make a Funny World.Posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 (19 hours 1 minute ago.) Viewed 215 times. A monument to the enema has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian town of Zheleznovodsk. The 800 pound bronze syringe bulb is held by three angels. Now sometimes when I'm constipated, I pray for a little help but I didn't know there were guardian angels in charge of such relief. I've been praying to the wrong department all this time. The people in the town won't accept any manure over their monument, claiming the region is famous for its enemas. There seems to be something about the water that makes an enema really work in their area. Over the years, constipated Russians pilgrimage to the holy grail of stool disbursement by the droves. Perhaps someone should test the water for a little bit of crude oil that might actually be the relieving factor. The spa also has that world famous slogan, "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas". I guess my grandma didn't know how to work the thing since if anything I recall my childhood enemas as being very sloppy. The spa's owner said the enema device is eternal and will never change. Well at least not until evolution does something with our butts. Now I have heard of losing things, even a pet or a car, but I never heard of this before. It seems the St. Labre Indian School in Ashland Montana has lost their herd of 130 bison. Officials checked restrooms, under desks and broom closets but the herd has not been heard from in two weeks. The bison, that are kept to feed the school's children, went missing and only a few of the 1500 pound critters have been found. Authorities fear the bison might have been rustled but that leaves a question to be asked. Doesn't anyone ask a person where they got over 100 bison that they want slaughtered into burgers, chops and tenderloins at the processing plant? Reports that the area fast food places have a slightly different taste in their burgers cannot be confirmed. I guess if a convenience store doesn't have a drive-thru then it's all right to make one. A woman in Norwalk, California drove her car through the front of a convenience store and ended up halfway down the aisle between the chips, dips and Cheetos. The woman calmly staggered out of her car, opened up the nearby cooler and took out a six pack of her favorite beer to buy. As the clerk got off the phone with police, she asked him if he would take a check. The clerk told the woman he couldn't but that there was an ATM just down the block. It is believed the woman replied, "There used to be an ATM just down the block." When you're mad, just use whatever is handy. A man in Deland Florida was charged with battery when he threw the evening meal at his mother. Police say the man had been drinking and cooking up some Polish sausage when he got into a heated disagreement with his mom. He then took the package of sausage and flung it at his mom grazing her forehead. Police say the man will be charged with destruction of a perfectly good sausage, failing to properly season the meat and trying to kill mamma with the Kielbasa. As he was carted off to jail it was reported he asked his mother to keep the sausage on low heat till he got back. A strange name for a town but it has a history behind it. The Minnesota community of Twin Cities has recently changed the name of their town to Nowthen. It seems during the 1890s, a founder of the town, created a list of potential names and wrote, "Nowthen, one of these ought to do. A not very bright person thought he meant Nowthen and turned it into the U.S. Post office as the official name of the town. After much paperwork, they got it properly named Twin Cities. Modern residents, thinking they were losing the heritage of a huge gaff in intelligence that needs to be reveled in, have changed the name back to Nowthen. Actually I can see how such a mistake could happen. Stories say that a nurse was asking my dad what my birth name was. At the same moment another nurse was holding me up in the nursery for dad to see for the first time. It took three years to get my name legally changed from, "What the hell is that?" 
Permalink Comments (0) Tips For Submitting Your WritingPosted Monday, June 30, 2008 (3 days 20 hours ago.) Viewed 1,123 times. Well I have one month on my new job and it has been a real learning experience. Like I said before, news happens on its own schedule and not according to mine or anyone else's. I am getting better. In effect I start at 5:00 a.m. and usually have everything done before noon. This allows me to help a manuscript client and still get a head start on the next day. Well except when something happens. Now the board (as I call it) that an editor has can be a monstrous thing. We are a small, 73,000 page-reads-per-day paper and I can't imagine what the e-mail message board at a huge paper or magazine must look like. Besides all the Associated Press reports to sort and decide what goes in, there are scores of press releases, statements and local bits that all have to be read, sorted for importance, posting and publishing. There are inquiries from all over the world that come in asking if I want to run their column on European affairs or African news, or some other issue that Central Illinois never heard of. There are even inquiries made that I really don't know what they are about since they come in foreign languages. Of course our concentration is local so I just keep deleting those that aren't in fact local. In a nutshell, this tells me exactly how competitive the world of getting one's byline in publications is. People around the world are asking me to look at something they wrote, but if the column doesn't fit, it just doesn't fit. With all I have now seen I can understand the process from both sides for the first time. I have been the writer for decades but even with just one month on the other side I can understand now why I didn't have as many replies to my inquiries over the years as I had hoped. After this month and upon discussion with others in the business, here is what I can share with you about submissions to publications. Concentrate on publications in your area and about local topics. Publications have plenty of world renowned columnists who they can choose from who write about the nation and the world. They really won't consider someone who isn't already an expert nor consider one who writes about issues that heavily credentialed writers already write about. Don't ignore the power of letters to the editor. We have two local columnists who started out writing good letters and now they write weekly columns for us. The pay isn't great but it is their start as it was mine a long time ago. Stay within your field of expertise. If you really know your business then you have a chance. Maybe it's technology or job seeking or horticulture. Perhaps your field is as simple as your own life which mirrors that of others. Erma Bombeck did all right doing that, didn't she? Never send an inquiry off as a mass e-mail. That tells an editor you are fishing and in fact know nothing about their publication and what it publishes. Do your homework, find publications that already have writers like you and submit to them. There are many great lists of publications on the web to hunt through. Never send an inquiry that says you will be happy to talk about what you write about and what your fees are. The inquiry board is a circus and you might only have one chance at getting someone to really look at your work. Always include the genre of your writing and include at least one example of your work. Also state what you would expect in return. Maybe someone on a slow day will look at it then but they won't take the time to start a back and forth conversation. After a few weeks, resend the inquiry. If you landed on a super busy day you probably got deleted. Maybe the next time the editor has more time and will look at your work. Consider the timing. A publication that posts in the morning won't look at your inquiry sent in the morning. They are busy enough. An afternoon submission might do you better at smaller publications. Always immediately mention if you have your work somewhere else and for how long. An inquiry that shows others have found your work interesting might help. Save your money. I keep getting inquiries from writers that are coming through a pay for submission service. I have been told by peers that these queries receive no extra consideration outside of the relevance of the topic and writer which is something you can explain on your own. If you are a writer, you can write your own sales copy. Get the crux of your inquiry in the first paragraph or two. That is probably all a really busy paper or magazine will take the time to read if in fact they look at all. Never give up. Keep writing and keep submitting. Publications out there sign up new writers every day. It's just that you have no idea how busy they can be. I just found out myself.
Permalink Comments (4) The Mystery of the Missing Dryer BallsPosted Thursday, June 26, 2008 (7 days 19 hours ago.) Viewed 1,212 times. Over the years of our marriage I have been blamed for quite a bit of what has gone wrong. Actually I have been blamed for everything. My wife bases those accusations on the fact that it is always my fault when something is missing or breaks. She has extrapolated this fact into simply determining when anything is wrong, I did it. It isn't always the case of course. I remember once in 1981 that something ended up not being my fault. I have been proven innocent once again so now I wonder if I'm off the hook at being in charge of Fak family blunders, errors and omissions. My wife went up to Chicago for a long weekend. Her mom was feeling poorly so she went with our son and I stayed home to finish out the work week. Now I had plenty to do but I decided to be a real good guy and I took a bundle of my clothes downstairs and placed them in the washer. Although I rarely do the wash, I have enough acumen to work the washer's dials and thought nothing of my good deed at trying to help out my spouse. When the load was done, I noticed there were a few things in the dryer so I took them out and placed them on the folding table. I then put my wet clothes into the dryer, turned it on and actually forgot about them the rest of the weekend. Monday rolled around, my wife was back home, and I didn't give a moment's thought to the clothes until I came in later in the day and was met with a steely-eyed glare from Sharon. "What did you do with the dryer balls?" I was asked. Being an ever so quick thinking smart ass, I replied, "I didn't know the dryer had balls. I thought it was a female dryer." My wife then went on to explain we have two rubber balls in the dryer that roll around to fluff the clothes. They do the job of fabric softener and they have been in the dryer ever since she bought them until the moment I had anything to do with the machine. Although this charge was circumstantial, I didn't help matters as I continued what I thought was a hot streak of good old Fak humor. "Maybe we were robbed. There is a national dryer ball shortage you know. Should we call the police? How about offering an award in the paper for anyone having any information about our balls being lost?" Do you think America's Most Wanted' will take this case? "Were a few of the quotes that tumbled warmly out of my mouth. Of course, this didn't help matters and we began another of those searches that the family often does when dad or husband has lost something of importance in the house. As I looked under couches and chairs, in kitchen cabinets, the tomato garden and toilets for the missing balls, I kept a running dialogue. I continued to lament that all I did was take a few clothes out of the dryer and put a load in. I didn't see anyone's balls and if I had I certainly wouldn't have touched them let alone purloined them. My only out seemed to be to go to my ever faithful "Plan B". "Maybe they fell out and I didn't see them and Jackson, being a playful cat took them somewhere." I offered. My wife didn't buy that excuse as blaming Jackson has become a prevalent defense in my rhetoric. I imagine that is because I have blamed the cat for not taking the roast out of the freezer, not getting the garbage cans to the curb, and locking the car keys inside the car over the years. I then decided to stop worrying about how to extricate myself from this crime scene by turning the tables. I asked my wife what was the last thing she took out of the dryer when she was in a rush to get out of the house and up to Chicago. It was my son's clothes and sheets and I bounded up the stairs to his room waiting for Sharon to follow me as a witness. I have to do that since over the years when I have found something I misplaced in a ridiculous spot, I have been known to plant it back where it should be and then remark how it always was where it was supposed to be. Needless to say, those balls were in my son's laundry, rolled up nicely in a bed sheet. I was exonerated. I'm not sure if this situation will change my being blamed for everything in the future but even so, it came at a harsh price. Jackson the cat has hired a lawyer and filed a "malicious slander" lawsuit against me. She has been quoted as saying that when she is done suing me, I'll be lucky to still have my balls, wherever they may be by then.
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