What would hurt you more emotional infidelity or physical infidelity?
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I was asked this question when I was single. Somebody asked me which scenario would hurt you more
Scenario 1: You come to know that your spouse is getting emotionally dependent on one his/her colleagues. They take walks together, spend a lot of time together, talk about everything under the sun, share secrets also. They are kind of best friends. There is nothing physical between them. Except for friendly hugs, they have never gone beyond nor do they have feelings to go ahead.
Scenario 2: You come to know that your spouse is physically involved with somebody and it is just a fling. Something about that person turns your spouse on. They don't have very strong emotional connection, but they are kind of in a habit to get into physical intimacy. It is a need for both of them to do so. Your spouse doesn't share much with that person and has told all sort of lies to pretend to be the most sexiest and cool person.
Which scenario would hurt you more ??
Answers to this question:Commonsense. These 2 scenarios are no good and can pose to be dangerous in a marriage.
Scenario 1 will, sooner or later, develop a deeper intimacy, from under the sun to under the moon/stars.
Scenario 2 has already gone overboard.
Both are hurting.
Thanks for your answer Hilda. I agree both are damaging situations. I asked this question because I know of people who would be not so hurt in one of the situations.
The first one would hurt the deepest, definitely. It's the connection that matters to me. But it would make me ask why my partner didn't want to share those things with me, and if they couldn't, why they wouldn't have said something to me. I wouldn't want to be in an intimate relationship with somebody who wasn't my best friend and who didn't want me for their best friend.
The second one would make me mad, and it would be a wake-up call to ask myself why I was with someone who was so out of touch with himself and could so easily betray me and himself. And I never buy the story that there's no emotional connection! I think people who say there isn't one are just in denial about what goes on inside of themselves.
You always ask great questions, Prabhjot!
Your thoughts are very similar to mine. I have gone through the first scenario and I swear I was hurt the deepest. If somebody would have asked me this question before that experience, I would have probably said "It's okay for him to have a best friend". But when friendship becomes too important for your spouse, more than the family, it really hurts.
Second scenario is definately damaging. But yes, in the first scenario I would question myself. In second one, I would question him.
Thanks for the reply.
Excellent, I give you 5 or probably 7 stars for this reply. In fact first scenario should not be at the cost of family. This draws line of demarcation.
This kind of question and answer session reveals commonality of sentiments between East and West, notwithstanding cultural differences.
That is true, Mahesh. Thanks!
Since the question is pointed to an individual, so I will answer it individually. I do not mind platonic love between opposite sexes, in fact I advocated it before my son and daughter as well. But I asked them not to be physically intimate without matrimonial commitment. My son laughed at it but I don't think either of my children have gone overboard. But being conservative in thought, I shall limit physical intimacy to hand shake only. I see no reason as to why one should be constrained to interact emotionally and intellectually with one's spouse only, provided reasonable distances are maintained.
The essence of relationship between spouses is committed companionship and there is a very high risk of relationship turning sour if physical barriers are breached. In fact even children don't like any one of their parents going overboard. So scenario 2 can destroy the family as a whole and I can hardly afford it. This is without prejudice to the fact that individual reactions to such situations are unpredictable.
Thanks for the reply, Mahesh. I have heard a similar answer earlier also. Most of my male friends have the same answer to this question. And most of my female friends think that first scenario is equally damaging. Though exceptions are there.
I guess it is just a difference in thinking. I would be ok if my husband interacts with somebody intellectually and emotionally, but that should have its limits. It should not become sole emotional dependence. Neither should it take precedence over me and my family. I should still be the most important and cared for person in his life. Anything beyond limits (even emotional and intellectual) would damage me.
In this regard me and wife have been lucky, since we have not intruded into each other's personal space.
Prabhjot, wives should realize that they can't be the complete answer to their husband's emotional and intellectual needs. So no reason to get hurt on this account. My wife and me, intellectually are like two banks of a river that never meet but we do not have a problem on that account.
I totally agree with you on one point that in such situations husbands should keep balanced perspective and wives should be relatively liberal. But right now I am thinking that it is more easily said than done.
Yes, this should happen ideally. If one of them losses it, the trust is gone.
Don't fool yourself; handshakes lead to dancing and then to other things...
Absolutely, Paul. I've never believed cheating "just happens". We are perfectly capable of seeing where something is going well in advance. People use alcohol and drugs for their excuses, but what the heck were they doing getting drunk or stoned with a person they felt that way about, in a situation where it was possible for them to do the naked nasty? They CHOSE to be there in the first place. Once we're out of the selfish stage of infancy, we're perfectly capable of seeing things clearly, and seeing the potential consequences of our actions.
Within that context, safe sex, is keeping a gun, under your pillow....
You pose this question in such a simple format, yet, it evokes such a complex tangle of emotions. First, I offer the simple answer.
The one that hurts the most is the one that you are experiencing. Then, if you allow, it heals.
The complex is answer is actually also simple. It just takes more words. If one of the two persons lacks total commitment to the partnership the other can hear the lie with their heart if they but will listen. If that is the case then ceremony should averted before a false union is sanctioned.
Once two persons make their union to each other with a mutual and deep foundation of love that supports an uncompromisable commitment to remaining together eternally then these two hypothetical incidents are no more of a crisis than other difficulties that you might suffer such as financial hardship, ill health or catastrophic losses.
I can tell you from experience that the dedication and love for each other only grows stronger with years if the foundation, originally laid, was sound and on good ground.
Yes, what you say makes sense. But practical life is far from ideal situation, I feel that. These are such complex situations that it becomes impossible to entangle yourself from it.
Thanks for the reply
Prabhjot,
I'm reviewing old outstanding questions and realized that a response was in order here.
You speak of ideals vs practical life. In my final paragraph above I say that "I can tell you from my experience..." That takes away the notion of ideals. It's real and the "practical life" between my lifelong partner and I. We have been tested but the commitment always prevailed.
The second betrayal, sex with another, is completely dependant on the first betrayal, falling in love; you are asking which part of the egg to judge, the white part or the yellow yolk.
It's really all just one egg.
Did we say the same thing, Paul? I think so but you're much more succinct.
So you believe that man and woman can't relate to each other without infidelity/sexuality intruding in?
Not at all.
You're a good egg, Marlin......
I am loving this conversation !! :-)
I agree, it is just one egg. Both are undesirable situations. Was just wondering what would people hate more white or yellow.
I definitely love yellow since white is tasteless.
Racist statements are NOT welcome....
It's precisely like asking which you would MOST hate, after falling off of a tall building, landing on your back, or landing on your face....
This is amazing to see what kind of analogies are coming up.
My answer comes in two different ways. In the first way it will be along the lines of completely ignoring the physical dangers of cheating. Let's assume there are no diseases or unbalanced people in the world, in other words. In that case, scenario one is by far the most painful, assuming it has replaced their relationship with me. I don't begrudge friends in the least and believe people need freedom. However, if they are getting all their emotional needs met by another person, then that's the person they should've been with.
In the second way, the way the real world works, people get sexually transmitted diseases, and there are people who are mentally unbalanced. Scenario two in this case is far more hurtful on multiple levels. One, they took a risk with their physical well-being. Two, if they get sick and die you suffer their loss on top of the whole betrayal thing. Three, if they care so little for you that they catch a disease and then pass it on to you, that's not just a physical hurt - it's extremely emotional. Four, they may have become involved with someone who becomes obsessed and dangerous (Fatal Attraction anyone?) and they not only put themselves in physical jeopardy due to this other person's jealousy, they can potentially put their spouse and child(ren) at risk on a physical level. A complete lack of concern for the consequences of cheating is not just a physical betrayal. It's emotional as well. It may not be about their emotions for this other person. It may be their total lack of emotions for you.
Interesting observation, Rain. I never thought of sexually transmitted diseases. But yes, this situation will definately prove that the one getting engaged sexually is putting him/herself in a great danger along with the family. And that makes the person really irresponsible.
At the risk of recently repeating myself:
I remember being stopped and asked once, at Disneyland, by a graying and aged couple to photograph them, as they said it was none other than their fiftieth anniversary.
I saw the way he held her hand and how they hugged and kissed as I struggled to find and frame the picture.
I wondered what wisdom and marital advice they might share.
My wife went over to speak with his wife to comment how sweet they looked together.
I returned the camera when he slowly made his way to me and I asked him the $50,000 lulu question:"What's the secret to being married so successfully, for so long?"
He looked confidential and wise.
"You gotta cheat", he whispered.
Ya, I read this earlier Paul and it really made me wonder if that aged man said a truth.
In one sense I understand that statement. Guilt, as long as they don't share their guilt with their spouse, will often motivate people to be much nicer to their partners. Too many people feel the need to confess their sins, however. People do it to unburden themselves, and it's a very selfish thing to do when looked at that way. So, you cheat, and then you feel so bad that you have to make your partner hurt, too, just so you can feel better about yourself? No! If you cheat, live with the guilt, and let your partner stay happy.
Of course, that's not an option if you end up with a communicable disease. Then you have no choice but to confess. Your spouse WILL find out one day that they've been infected, and that's a far worse way to learn of your partner's infidelity.
I don't think there's really any excuse to cheat, though. I'd rather have a failed marriage than be unfaithful, or have someone be unfaithful to me.
I completely agree with you, Rain.
You are a very strong woman, Rain. It is so clear from your answers. I agree with you. Confessing your sins is only to create more problem than anything else.
I don't know about strong, but I'm definitely opinionated, and I know myself very well. When I was younger I put up with a lot more bull than I do now. I no longer feel I have to tolerate certain behaviours in another grown adult, when I'm grown up enough not to do them myself. In other words, if I can resist temptation, so can they. My big secret is only that I never let it get to the tempting phase. It's far more easily avoided than most people want to admit.
@Rain Stickland
Undoubtedly, you are a strong headed woman but learn to relax and take a lenient view of incongruities of nature. That will make your life so much better. We are humans with all our fantasies and idiosyncrasies with a right to enjoy them. So neither expect nor demand perfection from any one of us. Even nature is far from being perfect. Conflicts and contradictions are inherent to existence of any thing. So just take it cool...........madame.
Total Answers: 8, Total Page Views: 702.Prabhjot, We are all anxiously waiting to know the answer that appeals you the most. It's already more than 18 days.
It now exceeds 27 days.
Its tough, Mahesh. I really cannot decide. There are so many different yet right perspectives on this subject. So I guess, I would let this be..
Hi Prahhjot!
I disagree with you on this decision. Your question was hugely stimulating. You brought nearly all of Wryte Stuff's most active thinkers to the forum again and again and again and again.
They deserve a "Best Answer."
I recently had a very difficult question to decide. It almost came down to coin toss but I chose. You can, too. There is no wrong choice any more than there was a wrong answer to your question.
I'll even help you a little. Do NOT chose me. There are other answers better than mine.
You're one of my most favorite people on this site! I know that you'll do fine!
Marlin
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