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Everyone's A Critic!!! - Live, Laugh & Love

Roschelle Nelson ⁽⁴⁹³⁾ United States

Roschelle Nelson

Street Corner Casanova

Posted Tuesday, September 29, 2009 (53 days 8 hours ago.) Viewed 45 times.

As a product of what is now termed "the hood", I've got a few things I'd like to get off my chest. The people I grew up around were hard working, church going, switch toting men and women who believed in family values, disciplined children and keeping their neighborhoods clean. It wasn't until most of the older folk died out that "the hood" started becoming synonymous with what the term conjures up in your mind today. One of the spots that had the greatest detrimental impact on the community was the neighborhood corner store.

I lived right next door to one of these eye sores. As a child, I didn't think anything of bolting over to it as soon as I'd earned some pocket change for doing chores. Buying chips, Lemonheads, Alexander the Grapes, Now & Laters and other goodies were a real treat. Had I known then what I know now, I would have convinced all the other kids to boycott this malignant establishment in an effort to shut it down!

A neighborhood should be a neighborhood – beautiful homes with well manicured yards complimented by a nice park with equipment that's in good repair. That's a neighborhood.

Corner stores and liquor stores have added to the degradation of black neighborhoods for years.

They are breeding grounds for the worst of the worst. A place for slime and sludge to congregate and make life a living hell for those who are unfortunate enough to live in close proximity. Bums and other societal menaces loiter around the sign that reads ‘DO NOT LOITER' scribbled in magic marker and tacked to the filthy window right underneath the half naked woman on the Colt 45 poster!

Women are harassed every time they attempt to enter one of these establishments. Kids are fearful of having to walk by guys that look like escaped inmates with a 40 in one hand and holding their crotch in the other.

Even before unemployment was the huge problem that it is I can remember guys waking up in the morning heading to the corner store to sit and sit and sit – all day long. As darkness engulfed the sky and day turned into night, most of them would stumble and stagger home for a good night's sleep – storing up energy necessary to come back to the same spot the next day and spend their entire day doing nothing again!

I've often wondered what they felt gave them the right. You might ask the right to do what. Well, I'll tell you.

What gave them the right to tear down my neighborhood? Didn't they realize working and making an honest living would have been far more beneficial than standing on a corner all day destroying good neighborhoods!

What gave them the right to think that young boys with no real male role models wouldn't look up to them in some warped way wanting to become a street corner casanova just like them when they grew up?

What gave them the right to think that whistling at me through the 7 teeth they had left would make me feel beautiful and desirable to other men? Didn't they know it was an insult to be serenaded by a drunk, toothless clown!

What gave them the right to urinate in the weeds behind the store and look surprised or even AMUSED when they realized you were looking right at them? Go home and relieve yourself or get a JOB and use the employee's only bathroom!

What gave them the right to use the corner next door to my house to peddle and push drugs to their own people? Didn't they realize how many lives they were destroying!!

As painful as the answer is, I must own up and admit it. We, those of us that lived in these type neighborhoods, gave them the many rights they enjoyed and exercised so freely. We didn't take a stand and demand that these store owner's establish ‘No Loitering' policies and ENFORCE them. We didn't blow up the phones of our local police departments when we saw a drug sale taking place. We didn't stop patronizing these stores which would have forced them out of business.

If we had done these things long ago, the street corner casanovas and the lairs they dwelled in all day and half the night might be just a bad memory. Something you could sweep out of your mind like the dust on your welcome mat. Instead, the reminders of our failures are just a street corner away.

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The One Lesson I Wish Mom Had Never Taught Me

Posted Sunday, September 27, 2009 (54 days 23 hours ago.) Viewed 1,007 times.

There are so many valuable lessons my mother taught me over the years. She had the patience of a saint and was compassionate to no end. My mother was my greatest champion, my best friend and my fiercest protector. Being just like her was something I aspired to emulate for many years. She prided herself in teaching me right from wrong and all the other wonderful things a mother imprints into her child's precious psyche. The one thing she unknowingly passed down to me was the idea that it's okay for the man you love to physically abuse you.

As a child growing up, I witnessed on so many occasions my mother being physically abused by her steady boyfriend. My father had been out of our lives for years. So, this man was the only male figure I knew.

The episodes of physical abuse always centered around alcohol. It never failed. He would come home stumbling and blundering through the house late at night just looking for a reason to "start". We were always careful to be very quiet hoping our silence would keep him calm enough to just fall asleep. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn't.

Finally, my mother grew tired of the abuse and began to fight back. She would punch, kick, scratch and whatever else it took to defend herself. This was her way of declaring she wasn't going to be a victim anymore. Eventually, she threw the jerk out and ended the reign of terror he had inflicted on both our lives for far too many years.

Nevertheless, the psychological damage had been done.

When I met my husband I thought the gods had smiled down upon me. Surely a man this kind and good could only be a product of the greatest Mount Olympus had to offer.

Things were good at first. We laughed. We loved. We played. We connected. I was in utter shock the first time he hit me. I thought this can't be happening. I lived through it as a child. Am I going to have to endure the same nightmare as an adult?

They say hindsight is twenty - twenty. I can look back and say I should have left the first time it happened; or the second; or the third; or the fourth - I really lost count after a while. But I couldn't leave. This was all a part of being in a relationship, right? Every couple fought and made up. He wasn't actually trying to hurt me. He was just angry. Once he calmed down and I remembered to never upset him that way again things would be fine.

It wasn't until our children were born and he continued the abuse that I decided enough was enough. I listened to what my darling husband told me about hearing his father beat his mother in the middle of the night and how powerless he felt being unable to defend her.

Domestic violence really is a vicious cycle! The chilling stories he told me validated that fact without a doubt. It was during one of these nostalgic treks down memory lane that I decided the cycle had to be broken.

During our last fight (if you could call it that), he struck me while I was holding our youngest child. I regained my composure and told him these exact words "You lived in it. I lived in it. I will not allow my children to live in this type environment. If you ever hit me again, I'm leaving".

He grinned at me with amusement and a bit of confusion on his face and walked away.

For months things were good. Then on a cold night winter night a few years ago he decided to test my proclamation. And as promised I packed a gym bag full of our barest of necessities and left. I've never looked back.

People often wonder why women stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes women feel they can't make it on their own. Others have the delusional idea that he'll eventually stop.

My reason and the one I think is worst than any is the idea that this behavior is normal. Having watched my mother suffer through years of abuse convinced me that it was normal for a man to hit a woman. It was only with the help of friends and the determination that I would not raise boys that would one day become men who abused women that gave me the power to leave.

For any women out there suffering the physical and mental pain of abuse at the hands of someone you love, know that this behavior is not normal and it will not stop. Seek help from friends, the church, crisis centers, domestic violence shelters or anyone willing to help you.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children or others that truly love you.

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When Your Child Lies

Posted Thursday, September 24, 2009 (58 days 6 hours ago.) Viewed 2,209 times.

As new parents let me be the first to tell you that there will come a day when your precious little bundle of joy is going to look you right in the eye with the sweetest, most innocent face he can conjure up and lie his tender little buns off. It's inevitable and can be quite alarming, to say the least. Question is how do you handle these deviations from the truth.

A bottle of "Ram-a-liar" truth syrup would be ideal. However, this isn't the world of make believe and lying is a learned behavior that can get out of hand if not addressed.

Being the mother of two boys, ages 17 and 8, I've had ample opportunity to fine tune my lie-radar skills. The boys are so much alike it's almost amazing. I generally know when they're lying and they don't have a clue how. Knowing your child's behavior can tune you in to these lying episodes and possibly curtail this behavior before it gets too out of hand. Just the other day I asked my 8 year old son if he had any homework. His response was that he had completed his assignment at school and left it in his desk to turn in the following morning. I knew this didn't sound like something a 3rd grader would normally do. Heck, they can hardly complete their in-the-classroom assignments without outbursts of talking, giggling and other short attention span behaviors synonymous with this age group.

I asked him if he was being honest and told him how disappointed I would be if I found out he wasn't. He told me he was telling the truth. Oh, how sweet and precious he looked standing there lying like a rug!

Wonder how I know? Well my boys have this nervous "tick". It only occurs when they're lying, scared or having a bit of anxiety about something. They have their hands down at their side and continuously flex and extend their fingers - kind of like playing an imaginary piano.

As he little phalanges danced away, I wondered how to best handle the situation. So, I gave him opportunity #2. I asked him if I would find out anything different if I stopped by his school to ask his teacher about his homework. Nervous finger tick again. Again, he lied and said no.

I gave him the rest of the night and the next day to come clean. Never happened. Finally, 2 days later, I made an unexpected visit to his school. In these situations, the element of surprise is worth it's weight in gold. I arrived just as the children were leaving the cafeteria heading to their classes for the day. He saw me! The smile he had plastered across his face disappeared - then reappeared as he made a bee-line my way to give me a heart-felt hug.

I spotted his teacher and asked if she had a moment. By the time we made it to her class, my little man's fingers were exhausted. He had banged his last tune on his imaginary piano. The lie was revealed for just what it was - a lie.

After school that day, I gave him a list of the things he wouldn't be allowed to do as a punishment for lying - explaining to him that this revocation of privileges was a consequence of his decision to lie when telling the truth would have been so much easier. He accepted his sentence and we settled in for a nice quiet evening at home.

I'm not going to say it won't happen again because I'm sure it will. What I do know is he is aware that the good ole checks and balances system is alive and well. This particular system was a great deterrent for my oldest.

Another key ingredient in stamping out this behavior is to lead by example:

1. Stop telling your children to tell people you aren't home when the phone rings and it's not someone you want to talk to.

2. Don't accept excuses for lying

3. Tell them that you value the truth far more than a lie told to make us happy

4. Enforce the fact that their are consequences for their deceitful behavior

5. Love them unconditionally

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All Posts by Roschelle Nelson

Everyone's A Critic!!! - Live, Laugh & Love

Street Corner Casanova

The One Lesson I Wish Mom Had Never Taught Me

When Your Child Lies

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