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Jona E Kessans ⁽¹¹⁸⁾ United States

Jona E Kessans

Simple & Frugal

Fighting Terrorism – One Razor at a Time

Posted Friday, April 27, 2007 (2 years 210 days ago.) Viewed 114 times.

President Bush announced yesterday that federal funding will begin for a special new program aimed at eliminating what he refers to as “hairy chicks." The Free Disposable Razors for Lesbians Program is set to kick off with a “Shave That Nasty Hair Fundraising Gala" where top Washington officials and pundits will be in attendance. It will be a shave all you can style affair capped off by a buffet of “hair-themed" cuisine such as porcupine ribs, Polar Bear hair Pie, and Bichon Frise Brisket.

When asked about the importance of this program, President Bush said, “Hairy chicks are clogging Amerika’s eye-ball sight with their proliferous hair spouting out from all over their corpuses, and we jist can’t have hairy chicks running amuck in this great country of ours!"

Not sure of what the President was really saying, reporters asked Bush to further explain his statement. He replied with, “Well, ya see…hairy chicks are like little visual terrorist lobbing their nuklear arsenal of hairy-ness all around for Amerikans to see whether they want to or not, and that is the same tactics that Al-Qaeda is using."

During one of his hunting trips, former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld was asked about his stance on the president’s position. Responding in a somewhat perplexed (or confused) fashion with raised eyebrow he responded, “There is evidence to suggest that hairy Lesbian chicks are really undercover Al-Qaeda Special Forces operatives, quite possibly a super-terrorist cell operating all across the US today."

Still quite confused, reporters crowded around him asking for further explanation as to how this could be. Lowering his shotgun from the face of a colleague, Mr. Rumsfeld lowered his head in dismay and quietly stated, “It’s suspected that even my Lesbian daughter may be one of the hairy Chick’s main operatives. We suspect this since she has never taken to shaving and is quite hairy. And from what the defense department has discerned, lesbians like my daughter, who has never even so much as held a razor are generally the highest ranking officials in the “Hairy Chick Terrorist Cell". It’s a pity ‘cause I kind of liked her, but as an American, I have to do my duty to protect this country, even if it means shooting someone in the face myself!"

When told of Mr. Rumsfeld’s startling admission, President Bush admitted that he was aware of the possibility that “Lil’ Hairy Mary Rumsfeld might be a terrorist is just tragik-er than anything he could imaginate!"

Asked whether he had any final requests for the American public in helping to combat the travesty, President Bush said, “Yup, I sure do. If ya’ see one of them hairy chicks, stop ‘em and give ‘em a disposable razor and tell ‘em that we’re watching ‘em ‘cuase we’re Amerikans, and Amerikans aren’t gonna’ tolerinate this kind of terrorism-istic kind of tacktics!" he added, “Oh and be sure to attend the $1,000,000 per plate Hairy Chicks fund razor, so we can avoid having to use social security funds. And one more thing, “Let’s all be good Amerikans and shave!"

For more information on how you can help with this new federal program or to attend the kick-off gala, call your congressman and request a special “No Hairy Terrorist Chicks Anti-Terrorism Kit" complete with disposable razors to hand out to any hairy chick you encounter, and instructions on how to spot them.

Until Next Time I Feel Like Reporting on Bush... Scout223 Out!

Razors for All!

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Gay Frugality with Style

Posted Friday, April 27, 2007 (2 years 210 days ago.) Viewed 90 times.

Most people are unaware of this but I’m a hardcore simple liver, into voluntary simplicity. Now, yea, I know what some are thinking…"Um, well, people in China living in poverty are ‘living simply’ – so how is what you’re doing so different?"

Well, being forced to live in poverty is no where near simple living or voluntary simplicity. So, basically the irony of simple living / voluntary simplicity is that we can do it because we live in a rich country: rich in cash and rich in resources. The average so called American “poor person" has a color TV, cable, housing, and plenty of food. American’s poor are for the most part, considered by most of the world, rich.

Now, here’s the thing, most gay people are about as successful at frugal living tactics as are straight people. Some manage their moo-la well, and others, Lesbians especially, are poor managers of money – in general.

So here are, what I like to call, 4 tactics to avoid stepping over dollars to pick up pennies and practicing gay frugality with style.

Contribute to your employer’s 401K plan in at least as much as they are willing to match. If your employer has a matching 401K plan at work – make sure that you put in whatever amount that they will match. Let’s say, your employer’s 401K matching plan is a 5/5. If you put in 5% of your gross pay, they will match dollar-for-dollar 5%. So, basically what this amounts to is that you’re saving 10% for retirement (a nice sum) while it is only costing you 5%. Oh and since it is 5% pre-tax dollars you’re using from your gross pay, you’ll also be save in the amount of taxes you’ll have to pay out.

For me, I put away 8% of my gross pay per pay period and my employer matches 6% which means that I’m saving what amounts to a total of 14% each period but it only costs me 8%. Now here is the really good part, aside from stockpiling some money for retirement, it saves me $386 per month ($4632 per year) on paying taxes and that money is channeled into my 401K account.

Here’s a scenario. Let’s say you make $30,000 per year and your employer matches up to 5% dollar-for-dollar that you put in. You decide to put away 5% of your gross pay which is $1500 per year. Your employer matches your 5% and you are actually putting away $3000 per year for retirement, thanks to their contribution. Now, if you are in the typical 28% tax bracket, you’ll save paying $420 in taxes per year in addition to saving $3000 for retirement. So if you do the math, you’re only really using $1080 ($1500 gross - $420 saved in taxes) of your net pay each year to receive $3000 for a total profit of $1920 per year plus gains on your 401K investments. Better you get your cash than the government, I always say.

Buy Company Stock if…you can get it though an Employee Stock Purchase Plan (ESPP) at a Discount. Many companies have, as part of their standard benefits package, ESPPs. At my company, my employer withholds a percentage as directed by me each pay period and at the end of each quarter and buys stock with the accrued money. Now here is the great thing, when you work for a company that provides a discount on stocks, you can sell them off the day after buying them for, what I like to call an “unofficial pay raise."

Ours works like this, the company looks at the price of stock on the first and last day of the quarter and whichever is lower is the price stock is bought at plus an extra 15% discount. So, on the day my company buys stock for me, I immediately sell it the next day to ensure myself a minimum of a 15% profit. Most times, however, I end up with anywhere between a 20-25% profit since the lower of the two prices is used in combination with the discount. Sure, I have to pay short-tem capital gains taxes each year, but giving myself a raise that equates to several thousands dollars per year more than makes this a good frugal living with style tactic.

Just check with your company to see what their policy is and if they have hold provisions where they require you to keep the stock for a certain period of time.

Always Make Your Money Make Money. This is the easiest for anyone. Basically if you have a checking account or a savings account, make sure that it pays interest. No matter what and no matter how much cash you have in your accounts, always have it in accounts that pay interest.

There are just too many banks offering accounts that pay interest on any amount of money. INGDirect.com is probably one of the best since it offers free online bill pay and a nice interest rate on checking and savings accounts regardless of the amount you have in them. Moreover, they provide a debit card good at over 32,000 ATMS worldwide fee free so you can use it like a credit card or withdraw money when you need it.

And one of the best bonuses is that you can pay anyone online since all you have to do is enter the info and they will print and mail the checks that have to be written on paper for you. And there is nothing I hate doing more than having to physically write out checks and pay for them.

And finally, Don’t Step Over Dollars to Pick Up Pennies. Here is the one that kills most people who think they are living frugally and money smart, but really aren’t. Basically, they waste money on expenses that most people never really think about because they aren’t as in your face as daily expenses like groceries, eating out, etc. The two worst areas are using appliances and equipment that are actually costing you money and paying high insurance premiums. First we’ll look at the appliance scenario.

My aunt and uncle religiously wash out baggies and have a 35 year old inefficient furnace that sends approximately 85% of their heating/cooling up the flue. So each month, while they are saving about .0001 cent per recycled baggie, they’re also paying at least $100 per month extra on heating/cooling costs. What a waste! But on the bright side they are saving probably 10 cents per month on baggies!

If they implemented the “don’t step over dollars to pick up pennies" principle, they could be saving at least $100 per month by having a new furnace/air conditioner installed and forgo wasting time and effort on washing out baggies that save about 10 cents total per month or $1.20 per year. Wow!

Sure, it might take a year or two to pay off and break even on the initial cost of the new equipment – but at least then they’ll be getting their money back with much lower heating/cooling costs for years and years to come and essentially be paying for the new equipment with the same money they are currently using to pay the heating/cooling bill.

The worst by far where people blow money and don’t even realize it is on insurance premiums. Once per year by taking a few hours of time to shop around for car and homeowner’s insurance, you can save oodles of money. Just because your current insurance company had the best rate last year doesn’t necessarily mean that they have the best rate this year.

Thanks to rapidly shifting insurance premiums and the online ease of checking out other rates, there is no excuse to not do this each year. I did it a few months ago after the unfortunate mailbox encounter and my SUV.

My old insurance company of 20 years thanked me for my customer loyalty by increasing my premiums – and this was the first incident I had ever had. So I thanked them back by promptly firing them and saving a wad o’cash by switching companies. I now pay 1/3 (yes, one-third) the amount on vehicle insurance for two SUVs. It took me all of 1.5 hours of time and I saved over $800 per year on premiums. Not a bad amount of money for about 1.5 hours of work – wouldn’t you agree?

These are just 4 tactics you can use to get yourself some moo-la for those gay get-away weekends and to increase your lifestyle while still feeling happy that you are engaging in simple living with style. Because who says you have to live poor to live simply?

Moreover, isn’t it better to put your cash into your pocket than into anyone else’s?

So how do I know this? I’m Jewish and love numbers, especially when they have $ signs in front of them. Plus I own and run a website called Simple & Frugal ( www.simpleandfrugal.com ) and have many published articles on this topic.

I’m currently re-vamping the site and adding to it so if you have any input or tips you want to share with others on how you avoid stepping over dollars to pick up pennies or how you engage in simple living, feel free to quickmail me.

Now go back to washing out those baggies and above all…practice gay frugality with style!

Until the next time I can squeeze the green out of a dollar… Scout223 out!

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