STEPPING OUT OF THE BUBBLEJames P Krehbiel (1,441)    James P Krehbiel    krehbielcounseling Martha's Story: the Terrors of ChildhoodPosted Saturday, March 29, 2008 (116 days 7 hours ago.) Viewed 787 times. Childhood can be a nightmare. It is an act of grace that many of us fare as well as we do considering our family history. We may feel that we were born into the wrong family. Had we been born into the family next door, things might have gone more smoothly.
I once had an alcoholic patient who had been sober for several years. I saw Martha with her boyfriend for couples counseling. Early in our sessions, I got the impression that she was avoiding addressing childhood feelings. She would minimize her family history and refocus our attention on current relationship issues. Martha felt lonely because her partner worked long hours and appeared to be consumed by his work. He would come home late at night and there never seemed to be moments filled with togetherness. I met with Martha's mate individually, encouraging him to demonstrate more care and concern through kind gestures and affection. Martha was supposed to be seeing me for individual sessions as well. These appointments were broken for a variety of so-called legitimate reasons. Finally, Martha kept her scheduled appointment and visited me one afternoon. Through tears (which I had never seen before), she laid out her story about how she had relapsed by using tranquilizers and cold remedies to get buzzed. She had justified the self-medicating like most alcoholics do, by claiming that at least it was not wine, beer or hard liquor. She was consumed with shame and disappointment. When Martha's boyfriend found out that she was self-medicating again, he ranted and called her nasty names. His anger served to ramp-up the volume of Martha's self-deprecating behavior, keeping the addiction cycle alive. Although Martha's partner attended meetings for partners of alcoholics, he continued to come unglued with her. I was concerned about the triggers which caused Martha to relapse. Martha's mother had come to visit her prior to our session. Her relationship with her mother was described by Martha as cordial. After further exploration, Martha told me that she felt like a little kid in her mother's presence. This discovery led me to explore her family history to find out why Martha felt the need to sabotage her progress with sobriety. Her mother's visit had brought to the spotlight core childhood issues. Her mother was an alcoholic. At an early age, Martha recalls carrying her mother to the bedroom after her mother would fall because of bouts of drunkenness. To complicate matters, Martha's father suffered from Bipolar Disorder and tried to mask the symptoms through the use of marijuana. Her father would frequently lash out at family members with physical and verbal abuse. Martha recalled her father pushing her mother down a flight of stairs when she was a teenager. Martha remembered being terrified to come home from school with an average grade on her report card. Her father would berate her if her grades were not up to his standards. She was a good student, who later attended college, but her father's expectations were always unattainable. Martha's father divorced her mother and she was forced to live with him. She constantly sought ways to avoid spending time at home. Since Martha was a sensitive girl, she swallowed her parent's feelings and became numb as a means of coping. She was scared of her feelings and learned to keep them hidden. Martha's adult relationship reflected the behavior of her parents - unavailable and hostile. Martha used self-punishment and self-medicating as a way of coping with the terrors of childhood. Since she had learned to deny her anger, she was unable to constructively direct it toward the source of her problems. I began working with Martha on her childhood interpretations and her self-defeating coping strategies. It was important to break the addiction cycle of anxiety, self-blame and drug abuse by helping her experience the full impact of her childhood pain while finding new ways to manage her feelings, thoughts and behavior. Part of the process involved Martha pro-actively sharing with her partner her own needs and wants. When Martha first came to see me after her relapse, my first question to her was, "Who's punishing you for what?" Martha gradually learned that she was punishing herself for behaviors that occurred long ago, that were not her fault, but were left unresolved. We cannot wish our childhood pain away by ignoring it. As adults, our emotional history will follow us, creating a pattern of self-defeating behavior. Eventually, we make a choice. Will we stay in an impasse, neglecting the ramifications of a childhood filled with terror? Or, will we choose to follow our emotional pain to its source and seek to find a way out? Those who commit to reinterpreting old childhood assumptions with a new psychic map will experience fulfillment and meaning during adulthood. Note: This case is a composite drawn from my practice as a psychotherapist. It has been altered to protect the individual's right to confidentiality and privacy. 
Permalink Comments (16) Musings On Being a ConservativePosted Saturday, March 22, 2008 (123 days 4 hours ago.) Viewed 2,264 times. Running for political office has never been a wish that I aspired to pursue. God forbid that I would consider that with all the corruption and mud-slinging that goes on, reminiscent of this election cycle. However, I feel the need to go on record, and confess that I am a compassionate conservative - a progressive sort of conservative. So let me explain... In my opinion, a true conservative is one who is dedicated to being cautious by nature and in principle. I consider myself a fiscal conservative because I balance my check-book and only spend what is within my means. I don't live extravagantly and have no credit card debt. I don't drive fancy cars and buy over-priced items. Contrary to this country I love, I balance my budget to the glee of my wife. I believe in "paying as you go" for social programs. This concept has worked marvelously for the Illinois Tollway and I believe that once again it should be adopted as a conservative governmental standard. I believe that if we prioritized better, those who financially suffer could get relief. I am conservatively cautious about going to war. As we know, our current war is costing the taxpayers a lot of money, and I have concerns about why we went into Iraq (not Afghanistan ) in the first place. I also wonder why we are still there. Can you imagine what we could do with trillions of dollars to build our country's infrastructure and assist in helping the poor and needy? Our national debt is skyrocketing, and this liberal policy goes against the conservative ideals of balancing the budget. Conservatism is also about protecting things like the environment. I prefer to call it "creation care." When it comes to global warming, conservatism is at a crossroads. More and more business leaders, evangelical Christians and other progressive conservatives are calling for action to reduce the risks connected to man-made climate change. Unfortunately, more reactionary conservatives continue to attack those who act to reduce emissions, and belittle those who are concerned about our planet. One would assume that environmentalism would make conservatives enthusiastic. The root of conservative and conservatism is directly related to the word conservationism. So why is it that reactionary conservatives such as Ann Coulter, Dick Cheney, James Dobson and Jonah Goldberg are the loudest voices advocating recklessness? What is conservative about "sticking up your nose" at the preponderance of mainstream scientific evidence? As a conservative, I believe in moral integrity and family values. I don't like politicians who lie and makes it very difficult to decide who to vote for in the upcoming political election. I don't like congressmen, governors, mayors and presidents who lie about their sex lives when it affects the American public. I am also morally outraged by those who use their political power to lie, stonewall and cover-up their egregious mistakes and crimes. If I were a progressive conservative Christian preacher, anybody could come to my church as long as they left their guns at home. I would welcome the sick, the needy, the gays, the Muslims and atheists. I would preach a Gospel based upon the principles of love, compassion, tolerance and encouragement. There would be no divisiveness in my message. In the pulpit, I would not deliver hatemongering, bigoted snippets like Pastor White, Parsley and Hagee. I would not act morally superior, but show respect for all faith traditions realizing they all share kernels of truths that bind people together. However, I would exercise my right to share truth and faith as I see it (the Gospel) and hope that others would sense the same yearning that I experience for knowing God in a more intimate way. In my church, if a young girl was pregnant, I would welcome her with open arms so that she didn't feel the need to slither away and impulsively terminate her pregnancy - that's pro-life in action. As a progressive conservative, I feel a need to show by my behavior that I truly believe what I say. I can usually reconcile my beliefs with my experience. However, there's a disconnect between progressive conservatives and their public voices. True conservatives are not opportunists who play to the crowd and in the process misrepresent others who are more tolerant. I am a progressive conservative who wants nothing to do with those who grandstand by smearing others who share different values, lifestyles and faith traditions. I am not driven by the fear of "rubbing elbows" with those who share a different worldview. I want to be a unifier, not a divider. I hope that this country gets back to sharing my ideal for fiscal responsibility, compassion, tolerance and unity. This is my passionate plea for America .
Permalink Comments (14) Money Isn't EverythingPosted Friday, March 14, 2008 (131 days 1 hour ago.) Viewed 4,642 times. One of the major problems that married couples face is financial conflict. Many partners believe that if the issue of finances can be resolved, then their relationship will be restored. However, financial conflict in marriage is symptomatic of various underlying problems that warrant exploration. Years ago, I recall a married couple who sought my assistance over their inability to navigate financial roadblocks. The wife was being accused by her husband of being an over-spender. The husband had a pattern of scrutinizing his wife's shopping habits, and she felt a need to justify every penny she spent. This couple bantered back and forth, both justifying their financial perspective. The husband had been micromanaging his wife's spending pattern and wanted an accounting of expenditures for each credit card statement. He believed that his wife was spending extravagantly, and he felt a need to convince me that his wife was an impulse shopper. THE POWER OF PARADOX Since the counseling process was at an impasse, I decided to use a paradoxical counseling strategy designed to "call the husband's bluff." I asked him to appear at our next session with six months of credit card statements. "Let's take a look at what's going on here," I replied. "Maybe I can shed some light on your dilemma." At the next meeting, the husband came prepared with a briefcase full of monthly credit card statements. He pulled one report out and indignantly handed it to his wife. I asked her to explain certain charges. As I expected, she was able to account for every charge and her recollection was amazing. I recall saying, "How do you remember all of the details of these expenses?" "That's easy," she responded. "I've developed a masterful pattern of justification in response to my husband's badgering." As we proceeded through statement after statement, it became clear that this woman's spending was reasonable, was selfless, was for the benefit of her family, and was by no means lavish. During our session, her husband's anger escalated progressively as his wife methodically recalled detail after detail of their family expenses. WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON? What occurred with this couple is not unusual. I often see this scenario of financial feuding played out within the context of counseling. The relevant question is, "What are the real underlying issues which perpetuate this self-defeating pattern of relating?" Here are some clues: 1. Parenting. One partner acts like the parent, using power and control to keep one's mate "under wraps." The spouse either rebels or justifies the behavior like a child would do. 2. Projection. One partner is an excessive spender and yet manipulates the situation by blaming the spouse for similar behavior. 3. Mistrust. One partner has a deep sense of mistrust for their mate and focuses on supposed financial indiscretions as an excuse for maintaining the mistrust. 4. Respect. One partner doesn't like or value their partner and manipulates through the use of money. An example of this occurs when a partner hides financial assets from a spouse. 5. Denial. One partner chooses to ignore financial loss or hardship, blaming their mate for the problem and holding them responsible for "balancing the books." Often, one or both parties who fight over money use anger and rage as a vehicle for punishing their spouse. For some married couples, it appears safer to feud over finances than to address core underlying issues affecting the marriage. For couples who choose to experience healing, underlying issues of power and control, the need to parent a partner, addressing issues of trust and respect, and avoiding denial must be honestly confronted. Only then will the feuding end and marital bliss begin.
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