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One of my very favourite pastimes is watching people interact with each other.
The other day, I was at a party and saw this really gorgeous woman flash an enticing smile in the direction on a group of guys looking at her as she walked in. A few minutes later, a well-dressed guy sauntered over to the woman drink in hand, and said “hi". I was close enough and so could hear all the conversation, okay, okay may be I was a little too interested, but I have an excuse, I am a dating coach... (uhm-mm!)
The 30 or 40 something guy was saying something about him being an investment analyst with an MBA. The woman simply looked at him and said "So...?", while at the same time craning her neck to see who else was in the room. The well-dressed guy seemed to get the message and slowly sauntered back to his group of friends who were not hiding their amusement.
I moved closer to the woman, and in my natural friendly way asked “what was that for". With a wave of the hand she said “Boring. Characterless..." I smiled and said “I know."
Now, I am sure like most guys, Mr. Investment Analyst was wondering; “Why would she be like that to me?" And like many guys concluded that it had to do with him not being “powerful" enough or “rich enough" for that kind of woman.
Forget the power/money/status argument for a moment. What did this man do or not do that caused him to be dismissed with just one word “so?" . Where did he slip up? It certainly wasn’t his dress and demeanor, and he had the guts to walk up to such a beautiful woman and put himself and his ego on the line. But there was an ace card missing in his deck of cards.
Consider this, when you talk with someone, where does your conversation focus?
Most men and women begin conversations by discussing ordinary everyday stuff like the weather, what they do for a living, and the slow line at the ticket booth or something equally mundane. Such conversations quickly become stale because they try to make a conversation interesting by focusing on the topic and factual content (read trying to show that you are someone intelligent) and rambling on and on.
I’ve had people (men and women both!) come to me who say they met someone who seemed to tick all the right boxes, yet for some reason they could not bring themselves to give the person 10 out of 10 because they seemed to be lacking a certain something. One individual may be intellectually stimulating with a voice that is tender and empathic, and almost hypnotic but is he or she can’t seem to find anything else to talk about except his or her job and accomplishments. Another individual may have charisma with eyes that are clear, shiny, and affirming but has a harsh, argumentative voice. Yet another is warm and cuddly as a teddy bear but is shy and getting more than a sentence out of him or her is like being detoothed without anesthetic.
Despite our ability to gather volumes of information about the other person, most of us do not know how to go beyond words to intensify a connection and instigate action at the appropriate time. Most conversation and even dates never lead to excitement and romance because there is nothing emotionally personal about them. People crave other people who can make interactions personal, real, and exciting. The personal makes a conversation compelling and engages others in an emotional way. When we talk about topics with emotional component, things we’ve actually experienced and things we genuinely care about, we easily become more animated and more alive - which is very attractive to most people.
The key is to make yourself easy for others to relate to. If you notice, I could have said to the gorgeous "Hi, my name is Christine. I am a dating coach...blah, blah, blah". And yep! you guessed it, she might have said "SO?". Approaching her the way I did, kind of suggested to her that I probably have had the same or similar experience and can relate to how she was feeling in some way.
Our sexual interaction and relationship could be better if we learned to reach out, relate and connect with each other in a completely different way. This requires that we give up our hyper vigilant or high-strung temperaments. Male-female interaction need those generous moments filled with awe-inspiring variety, closeness, completeness and wholeness. In a word, we could all benefit a great deal from reconnecting with our thinking and feeling body – our natural human warmth.
Lack of human warmth in our interactions with opposite sex is what lurks at the bottom of the growing feeling that things are no longer "right." My website has lots more advice on the ingenuity of creating the "click" with the opposite sex. Once you can identify what is about you that promises enjoyment, excitement, arousal and nurturance or some reward related to personal expansion to the opposite sex, you’ll have found the secret of creating a connection that will make both of you feel loved, wanted, desired and fulfilled. |
