My mom died three years ago today at the age of 57. There is
not a day that goes by that I don’t wish she were here to share something in my
life. For the longest time, I still found myself picking up the phone to call
her out of habit before having to remind myself she was not here.
It depresses me sometimes that my mom has missed out on so
much. Two more grandkids were born since her death and it seems every day is a
new accomplishment for someone. We all hate as a family that she is not here to
join in on so much that she played a part in.
All that being said, I thought I would share some of what I
learned in dealing with her death. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I
am only speaking from personal experience. These are just some things that help
me deal with her death and continue to help me deal today.
It is acceptable to cry.
I had this thing where I did not want anyone to see me cry.
That was a mistake. I would sit in the hotel bathroom crying after my family
went to sleep. I ended up with no voice and extremely sick by the time of the
funeral. It was not pretty. I would advise against holding it in. It is also
still acceptable to cry after the funeral. I think a lot of times we convince ourselves
that we need to move on or that crying is a sign of weakness. Cry. Keeping it
stored up is worse and has a bad effect physically on the body.
Keep busy.
This is what kept me going. I think I was in such a state of
shock when I found out my mom had a heart attack. I don’t remember much but I do remember it
seeming like I was working on autopilot. I don’t think this is a bad thing. I
think it would have been a lot worse to come home to a boring, plenty of time
on my hands place in my life. It made me feel some worth and love to be able to
come back to my house and plan Halloween activities for my son and his birthday
party. It kept me busy.
However, do take time off of work.
Your mind is on overload with funeral plans, dealing with
emotions, etc. Don’t expect to be back at work the next day. You will
overstress yourself. Stay busy, but don’t do anything that will continue to add
stress.
Surround yourself with family and friends.
This was hard for me. I wanted to be in misery by myself.
But God does not mean for you to be alone and this is one of the most crucial
times to not be alone. This is why you have friends. Friends will be there to
lend a shoulder to cry on, to cook for you, to make you laugh, etc. Lean on
them during this time of need. You will be glad you did and it will bring your
friendship and love to a whole new level.
Remember and celebrate.
Death is all about victory. Yes, it is ok to be sad that you
no longer can be with your loved one. But realize that someone, if a Christian,
is in a better place. Remember all the good times you had together and
celebrate their life. Plan a ritual for the anniversary of their death so that
their memory doesn’t die, but also to help you cope.
I don’t have all the answers. I am still learning myself.
But know that what you feel, whether it’s anger, sadness, disgust, whatever, is
normal. Lean on family and friends. Don’t do it alone. I did and it is way too
hard. Don’t push those who try to help away. They want to help you in this time
of need.
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