The Christmas shopping season is in full swing. I know, because I’ve had to venture out multiple times in my attempt to purchase the most special of gifts for all those on my Christmas list. Okay - so I’ve been out only once. But it wasn’t fun. I spent several hours sitting in streets that had suddenly transformed into parking lots, parking my car several zip codes away from the stores I was going to shop in, and fighting crowds of rude and nasty people for the privilege of finding items I didn’t want at prices I couldn’t afford. And this wasn’t even on “Black Friday", the day after Thanksgiving! In any case, I’ve been doing this for a few years now, and I’ve seen the reactions my wife has to my gift-giving efforts. I’ve also heard the comments that occur weeks or even months after the season is over, not only from my wife but from other women who have received gifts from their husbands or boyfriends that, well, just didn’t make the grade. As a result, I’ve compiled my own list of items that I refuse to wrap and put under the tree for my wife. For the first time, I’m sharing with all of you men what not to purchase for Christmas for the lady in your life.
Clothing
After years of attempting to buy the exact item my wife has requested for her Christmas gift, I’ve given up. If I pick a size that’s too small, she can’t wear it; if I go too large, I’m making a not-so-subtle statement that I think she’s fat (and she doesn’t believe me when I say I’m not). Whatever color I choose makes her looks washed-out or doesn’t compliment her skin coloring. The fabric is too clingy, too bulky, or too hard to keep clean. And the one time I got everything right – size, color, fabric, style – she put it on and proclaimed, “I don’t think I like this after all." If you absolutely, positively have to give her clothes, get all the information about the specific item, verify it three or four times, and then have the gift come from the kids. Moms can’t return items that kids give them, and they have to use them. It’s some kind of unwritten law, I think.
Small home appliances
We’re basically a practical gender. We need something, we buy it. If we get it as a gift, we’re ecstatic. Women don’t work that way, though. She may have said that she needs a new toaster oven, but when it shows up under the Christmas tree, the response is less than enthusiastic. Blenders, crock pots, vacuum cleaners, microwave ovens, refrigerators, washing machines…all no-no’s. I don’t care if she’s on her hands and knees with tears in her eyes, begging for one and promising you the world if she gets it. Purchase what she needs, but do not present it to her as a Christmas present. You’ll pay for it later.
Tools
Unless your wife has a shrine dedicated to Bob Villa in the garage or laundry room, has her own satellite TV subscription to the DIY channel, or runs her own carpentry, plumbing, or electrical business, this potential gift is also a bad idea. Again, tools are practical and as a result that makes them a poor choice. It becomes even worse if she finds you using the tools you purchased for her. By doing so you’ve broken the cardinal rule of possession: Whatever is hers is hers, and whatever is yours is hers.
Electronic equipment
Please. Your wife doesn’t care about that new digital surround sound stereo system, or the latest wide-screen high-definition television that the local electronics store is selling for 40 percent off. Every woman knows that gifts of this type are thinly-veiled attempts to get something for yourself by purchasing it for her. Don’t go there. Exception #1: An iPod or MP3 player, if you set it up for her and make absolutely certain that the music files you put on it are her favorites, not yours. Exception #2: A cell phone. Just make sure your communications package includes plenty of minutes. If you don’t know how much she’ll be using the phone, err on the side of caution and buy more minutes, not fewer; otherwise you’re liable to be paying out the wazoo each month until your contract expires.
Investments
Nothing says “I love you" more than a box containing a certificate for $5,000 in genuine South African Krugerrand gold coins, or 1000 shares of Apple common stock. Sure, it means you’re thinking of her future, making sure she’s taken care of down the road after you’ve worked yourself into an early grave while she gets to go on without you. But again, because it’s practical, it doesn’t work. Worse, it comes across as a little cold. You don’t think “romance" when you’ve received gold buillion. Well, maybe if you’re somebody like Donald Trump.
Big-ticket items
Advertisers are pushing harder than ever this year, trying to entice you to go upscale with your holiday purchases. Luxury cars, cruises, expensive jewelry, fur coats, and total home makeovers would seem like things a woman would enjoy. Alas, there’s another gift purchasing rule that you would do well to remember: The more expensive the gift, the harder it is to return, even with a receipt. If your lady doesn’t want to cruise to the Bahamas, or isn’t keen on that new Lexus because it’s the wrong color, you’re going to have a problem making things right. Potential costly mistake, and yet another item to come back to haunt you when you’re discussing the family finances in the weeks and months to come.
Maybe your significant other is that one-in-a-million lady who absolutely loves everything you give her. If so, I congratulate you and recommend you continue with whatever you’re doing so she’ll stick around. For all you other guys out there, do what you want, but before you venture out in the shopping jungle this season, you might want to reconsider what you plan on purchasing for your better half this Christmas. After all, being in the doghouse is a lousy way to start your New Year.
