Do you love an alcoholic? How can you live with an alcoholic and love them at the same time? Very carefully. It’s true, it is very difficult to live with an alcoholic, but people do it all the time. Alcohol controls the mind and spirit of a person, so in affect as long as the alcoholic is drinking you will not get much love in return. Being married to an alcoholic is not a reason for divorce. It is reason for helping your loved one with the disease. Alcohol addiction is called the insidious disease for a reason. It breaks up homes, kills lives, and keeps them from discovering the Creator. Can it get anymore insidious than that?
A person who drinks excessively is called an alcoholic but that is not who they are. A person who drives a truck is called a trucker, but that is not who they are. I believe alcohol addiction to be a phase or transition of a person’s life, meaning it can be temporary. But many alcoholics become sober only to start drinking again, soon after, why? It is because they think they are in control of their addiction, but they aren’t. If a person truly wants to get sober and stay sober, they will.
The person behind the destruction and deception of alcohol is a totally different person when they have been sober for six months. A sober alcoholic can be a very loving and spiritual human being who is able to discern right from wrong and able to live a happy and abundant life. As long as the alcoholic remains drinking, his true character remains hidden from others, and will be under the control of the drink in every aspect of his life.
What can you do for the alcoholic in your life? The first step in helping them is to first help yourself. Become knowledgeable about the disease. Once you realize the impact of how your actions may be affecting the alcoholic in your life, you can detach properly from their destructive behavior. Detaching can be difficult to do but if you love the alcoholic and want to be supportive, detaching with love is the way to go.
Are you enabling your loved one to drink? Are you rescuing them from their problems and responsibilities? Ask yourself these questions to find out?
Am I doing anything that would enable the alcoholic to drink?
Am I doing anything that would facilitate the alcoholic’s behavior?
Am I doing anything that would rescue the alcoholic from his problems?
Am I getting driven into the disease with the alcoholic?
The only way to truly be supportive is don’t rescue, don’t enable, and don’t allow yourself to get driven into the disease with them. Here are some of the ways you enable the alcoholic.
You enable when you take up the slack for the alcoholic by doing their chores, duties and responsibilities. You enable when you give the alcoholic money or buy them booze.
You enable when you drink with them, or when you do anything to help the alcoholic to continue to live his alcoholic lifestyle and not realize that he has a drinking problem. If you do everything for him, how will he know?
Here are some of the ways you would rescue the alcoholic? You rescue when you sweep the alcoholic’s messes under the rug. The alcoholic NEEDS to be responsible for his own mess. You rescue when you lie for them. You rescue when you bail them out of jail or pay court fees for them.
Understand that the enabler/rescuer, which is you, help the alcoholic to continue drinking when you unintentionally become entangled within the deception of the disease with them. Remember, alcoholism is an insidious disease, and it will trap you in its grip if you allow it to. Don’t allow this to happen, or there will be no hope in the alcoholic to ever stop drinking.
How would you become driven into the disease with the alcoholic? By trying to control the alcoholic and how and when he drinks. By threatening the alcoholic with angry words and name calling, you are driving yourself into alcoholism. Don’t fuss, fight, argue, plead or try to control the alcoholic – it won’t work!
When the alcoholic spouse tells you they are sorry for anything bad they did against the marriage or you, they probably are really sorry, but that does not mean that it won’t happen again. An alcoholic can’t control their actions once they start drinking. The drinking is what makes them out of control and under the enslavement of the disease.
There is great hope for the alcoholic in your life, if you take care of yourself first, by not enabling, rescuing or getting driven into the disease. Once you are aware of what you should and should not do, you will be free to set boundaries for yourself in the home. An alcoholic will not abide by any boundaries, so it would be fruitless to try. You are setting boundaries for your own spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, not the alcoholic’s. See part 2 on setting boundaries for you.
Angie Lewis is the author of five marriage books. Her style of writing focuses on the biblical foundations that God outlines for an exceptional marriage.
Love The Man You Married and LoveThe Woman You Married are great teaching tools for husband and wife to read together and then reflect upon. To preview or buy these books go here. http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled takes the reader on a spiritual journey towards spiritual awareness and forgiveness It talks about the author's own plight of overcoming alcohol addiction, coming to Christ and saving her marriage. To preview this inspirational book please see the marriage ministry. http://www.heavenministries.com
The author of this article has chosen to make this article available with free reprint rights. Click here to copy this article.
» left by Anonymous (1 year 130 days ago.)
What a help to read this article. Everyday more is revieled to me about this is ugly disease. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (1 year 119 days ago.)
I am glad you are finding comfort in this article. If you or someone you know live with an alcoholic, it would be wise to find out all you can about alcohol addiction.
Take care and God Bless.
Angie Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 119 days ago.)
I was not aware that I could be sucked into the disease by enabling him. This is a very good article. It is hopeful yet straight forward. Thank you. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (1 year 119 days ago.)
Hello, thanks for the encouragement. If you liked this article, you will love my book I just published on alcohol addiction. It is called The Alcoholism Trap - a book to help the alcoholic and the loved one of an alcoholic.
Take care and God bless,
Angie :-) Respond to this comment
» left by Tammy Lane from Bluffton S.C. (114 days 16 hours ago.)
Thanks for inquiring about my book, The Alcoholism Trap. The book is available from many different major online stores. Amazon - Barnes and Noble - Lulu - Books A Million - Etc. If you want to buy the book from your local brick and mortar bookstore rather than buy online, Tell them the title of the book, author name, or and ISBN Number of the book and they will order it for you.
Blessings, Angie Lewis Heaven Ministries The Alcoholism Trap ISBN: 978-0615155586
» left by Anonymous (1 year 105 days ago.)
Wonderful article!!! My partner in life is acknowledging that his drinking is excessive and is reviewing how to deal with it. It's a first step. I will support but I can`t "do" it for him. You made me review my own behaviour towards this disease. Thank you! Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (1 year 104 days ago.)
You are very welcome. All my articles and book I wrote on alcoholism comes from my own experience and what I and my husband have learned dealing with addiction. I hope that that it all works out for you. Remember, alcohol addiction is a cunning disease and it will suck you right into it with the addict if you are not careful. God Bless!
Angie Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 89 days ago.)
I've been sucked in (slightly). So glad I read this, because I am going to be sucked right back out very very soon. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (1 year 85 days ago.)
I'm glad that you realized it before it was too late. Alcoholism is a trap in more ways than one. I have written a book about alcohol addiction called The Alcoholism Trap. This book is a useful tool in understanding more about alcohol addiction and what you can do to make living with an alcoholic easier for you, and what you can do to passively help the alcoholic. Hang in there, and never give up hope that one day the alcoholic in your life will get sober and stay sober!
» left by Anonymous (1 year 29 days ago.)
I just realized that the man I am totally in love with is an alcoholic, though he has not come forward to me about it. I'm going to stick by him but I'm not sure where to start. I don't even know how to approach it. I tried to say something very lovingly but he got defensive so I backed off. He knows I know he's drinking and he did admit lying to me about his alcohol intake. I don't know what to do other than love him. I guess reading articles like this is a good place to start. I've made it abundantly clear that I'm here for him. Thank you for the insight about enabling. I think I need to talk to a counselor to help me help him when he's ready. I don't know why I'm putting all this in here other than the fact that I don't know where else to turn right now and need to get this off my chest. I love him so much! I guess I need to learn how to continue being loving and supportive and not end up as an enabler. Over this past year God has helped me to grow my faith and I think I now know why He was so insistent because I need Him more right now than I ever had before. Luckily, my SO also has a very strong faith and hopefully will find it in himself to turn to Him for help as well. We'll get through this...one way or another. I know it won't be easy but "we" are worth it... Thank you for listening and thank you for the article. I'm going to read part 2 now. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (1 year 29 days ago.)
Dear anonymous,
I know why you are here. You are looking for answers and encouragement. I would love to give you additional support if you like. My website has many great articles, and I just finished publishing a book on alcoholism and how to help the alcoholic in your life. It is called The Alcoholism Trap. Please email me anytime.
» left by Anonymous (354 days 11 hours ago.)
I'm trying to find the strength to leave an alcoholic that I love very much. I want myself back...and I don't want to hurt anymore or feel sorry for myself. I have to understand that I can't help him, he doesn't want help, but I love myself...help myself. Thank you for the article...it helps me not blame myself for HIS problems...they're his problems yet they're mine. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (349 days 14 hours ago.)
I hear your pleas for help. I am sorry you are suffering. Please email me and I will send to you some more uplifting articles on alcoholism and what you can do to help yourself and the alcoholic in your life.
» left by Angela M from UK (255 days 16 hours ago.)
I married an alcoholic exactly one year ago and he has flitted in and out of sobriety for the whole of the marriage. I am now contemplating divorcing him. I know after reading the articles on here that I have been an enabler although I didn't realise it at the time. He now treats me like dirt and at the same time tells me he loves me (that is obviously when the "self" springs up for all of 5 minutes and then gets replaced by the addict within). I have read a lot of books on the subject including The Obsessive Personality which I found really helpful. I have been trying however, without success, to get my husband to attend an AA meeting; he just will not entertain it saying in one breath he knows he has to, but when it comes to it he just cannot do it. I am asking my lawyer to step up the separation proceedings as I cannot do this anymore as I hurt too much; we have led an improverished lifestyle and he has continued to pay aliment to his ex-wife for adult children due to her control and manipulation going back 20 years when he used to drink in their marriage. I believe she drove him into the addiction process as she, herself, is addicted to money and that she uses emotional addictive logic to suck him back in to his alcoholism. My husband has gone many months sober at the one time, only to immediately return to active addiction after a telephone call from his ex?? Im sure I am on the right track even though he will not admit it and I feel that leaving him is my only answer for now. When he is ok mentally we both love each other very much and want to be together forever. Please help me -what do you suggest I do as I've tried too much already and I hurt????
» left by Anonymous (340 days 21 hours ago.)
Angie, Thank you for letting God speak through you. The boundaries articles have given me hope and courage...I have been in alanon for 31 yrs (parents and now husband)...the verbal badgering is tough to take....silent removal of myself from his space is a clear description of boundaries....Thank you for your insight... Huge blessings to you. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (339 days 19 hours ago.)
Hello! Thank you - I am so glad that you have gotten some needed encouragement from my article. May God bless you. If you liked this article, you will also like the book I wrote on alcoholism, called The ALCOHOLISM TRAP - it is written both for the alcoholic and the loved one of an alcoholic. It has valuable information in about healing the alcoholic from within and getting the alcoholic healthy in all areas of their life for total sobriety. The alcoholic has a better chance of staying sober if they are healthy spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, as well as physically. I'm giving away FREE copies for review on Amazon or LULU.
Thanks for inquiring about my book, The Alcoholism Trap. The book is available on Amazon.co.uk and FREE shipping! I also have some articles on this subject on my website. heavenministries.com
» left by Michelle from Atlanta (306 days 15 hours ago.)
Dear Angie,
I live and love with an Alcaholic. I am slowly learning that this life is going to be a very difficult one. When he is sober (months at a time) he is my best friend, we have a passionate and deep love for one another. When he drinks he has been violent, verbally abusive, paranoid, stays out all night doing god knows what. This last time he also did drugs all night as well as drinking. He becomes this person I do not know, It is like I am living with two men...one I love more than words can say, one I detest and am repulsed by. I do not drink or do drugs and I do not participate in the behavior, but I get very confussed about how to handle his relapses. He has diabetes and High Blood pressure and I am terrified that if he continues, he will die. I would appreciate any advice you could give me. I really love this man and I am willing to go through this battle with him, but there are times I feel hopeless because I feel that this will never stop. He is 42 and has drank pretty steadily since he was 13. Alcohol contributed to the death of his father at 44 and several of his other relatives struggle with addiction. I would like to know all I can about how to deal with this situation. I have gone to Alanon but do not like the environment or their doctrines, I find it cult like and would prefer some other type of support group or actions I could put to work in my life. Thank you for sharing your experience with others and I look forward to hearing from you.
» left by Angie Lewis(7,537) Angie Lewis (294 days 16 hours ago.)
Hi Michelle,
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond but I have been out of town for several weeks. I do understand how you feel. AA and Alanon are not for everyone. Some people say the meetings really help them and others say they do not. Of course it is always good to have a support group or someone who has also been in your shoes before. There are other solutions for you as the loved one of an alcoholic if Alanon is not working out for you.
One solution is changing some of the behaviors that you are used to doing with the alcoholic, such as "giving" in to their demands. Or arguing and fighting with them, or simply letting them blame you for their bad attitude and alcoholism.
These are things that a loved one of an alcoholic needs to work on changing in themselves - YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT THE ALCOHOLIC DOES, but you can control your own behavior. Once you realize what a beautiful person you are and that you do not have to take it any longer is when you actually help the alcoholic in your life. Treat yourself with respect! Don't let the alcoholics behavior bring you down with them. Be refreshed in the Lord and stay on top of the alcoholism trap - that is your only way out from its grips.
Please email me from my website and I would love to give you more encouragement. Never forget that God is with you ALWAYS, ask Him to give you the strength and faith you need to begin changing the way you deal with the alcoholic in your life.
» left by Barb Beers (213 days 3 hours ago.)
Dear Michelle,
I share in your pain. I have decided to leave my alcoholic who is 40 with a generation of alcoholics also. I believe it will never be truly "fixed" and there is so much water under the bridge after 15 yrs of this. I wanted to let you know the book that I discovered that has been a God sent to me. I also did not like all the doctrines of Alanon. The book is called Alcoholic relationship recovery guide, Empowered Recovery. Author Doug Kelly. It is loaded with great info. and is very validating, and definately helps to "empower" you.
I don't know your situation right at this time, but hopefully the book will be of help.
God bless- stay strong
sincerely, Barb
» left by Theresa (211 days 9 hours ago.)
Dear Barb,
I share in your story Barb. I left my husband 3 years ago, and just now; am starting to improve my life and recover from the terror that is alcohol. I have God in my life, and hope in my heart for a better tomorrow.
Fixing my life and becoming closer to God is more of a focus now than getting my alcoholic husband get sober. I realized only very recently that there is nothing I can say or do to encourage the ex to begin recovery. I have set a boundary for myself that refuses to be a partner with someone with such bad behavior and unwillingness to connect with his wife and be so dishonest.
Barb, take care of you first, and God will take care of the rest.
» left by Toni from new jersey (294 days 21 hours ago.)
iv been with my boyfriend that i love very much for over a
year but he is an alcoholic he has been in and out of AA sence he was a teenager and i know he loves me alot but i always got sad when i relized he didnt appreciate all the things i do for him but now i see the problem is im way to nice to him and if i keep giving him everything he's never going to change and i know deep down he wants to be sober he was sappose to go to AA the other day but he instead went to the bar with his drinking buddys i think the problem is that he is way to attacted to people with the same sickness hes grown up with them his whole life so its hard for him to turn his back on them and thats 1 of the reasons he keeps relapsing i know he hates hurting me when he drinks and all i want to do is help him get his life back because i care so much about him
he just recently lost his job and hasnt been searching because him and his friend that also lost his job just buy beers instead of look for jobs. i dont know what to do to help him hes very stubborn and he dose what he wants to do, even if that means going out and leaving me with nothing to do but i know thats really not how he feels its the alcohal talking Respond to this comment
There is probably not much you can do to help the alcoholic other than let them know you care about them. let them know you "love them" but not the "alcoholic person" inside of them. Try not to do anything to help them to drink or rescue them from their problems because of the effects of alcoholism. They need to want to get sober for themselves. I recommend my book The alcoholism Trap for both of you to read.
Pray about this every day, and ask God for strength and faith daily. Email me again from my website. heavenministries.com
» left by Anonymous (284 days 20 hours ago.)
I found this 2 part article very helpful. I lived with a man who I continue to love and who pushed me away by saying he needed to be single and couldn't have a relationship again with anyone. He wanted me to continue living there platonically and I refused. I am so happy I've moved out and set my own boundary. I sent him a letter confronting him (very lovingly) on the drinking. Do you think this was a good idea? He said there was a lot of truth in it and initially seemed open to thinking. That was last week. Now he's essentially pushed me away again this week and I haven't heard a word from him. I guess I'm just looking for your thoughts on whether sending that letter was useful for him (it was cathartic for me) and if that might bring someone closer to dealing with his issues? Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis (250 days 18 hours ago.)
Dear anonymous, Yes, letters are good, for many reasons. The best reason for expressing ourselves in writing is it keeps us from having to confront the alcoholic straight on. Alcoholic's especially can be belligerent when confronted about their drinking. Also expressing ourselves in writing gives us a chance to say what we mean b/c we have a chance to think about "what it is" that we really want to say. Also, with letters we can go back to them for reference, but our verbal confrontation we can't, unless we are recording ourselves, which most of us don't do. LOL --- so, yes, letters are always a good form of communication. I think what you did was a good idea. I hope things are working out better for you now. blessings, Angie :-) Respond to this comment
if you were in a marradge that dealt with over a million women do you would understand that an alcoholic is an alcoholic it is a part of who they are just like you say a trucker is not who that person really is, but it is a big part of what that person does/ is. god says not to judge wich i have to agree and when your husband tells you they are not an alcoholic (denial) and will not get help you have to take a stand and not be un happy, god has said reasonings for a devorse and when you are no longer spiritally there with some one you leave. I have been with an alcohlic for 8yrs and I have brought seperation up then Iam told he will work on it just to tell me something I want to hear, he has been in commas, car accidents, fights, jails, and it never stops what does that say to his 5yr old and 3yr old? not much!! I do not think you are really under standing how seriouse it can really be it is who they are when thats all you see.
» left by lost and confused (125 days 18 hours ago.)
hi, i read this article and it makes sence. Now my boyfriend says he is not an alcoholic, i mean he doesnt get up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning and grab a drink. However when he does drink he usually goes over board and he's fine until we get home, and then he turns mean. He has threatened to jump off our roof and he has broken things around the house, he has threatened to leave me and started to pack his things, he yells and he says very hurtful things. he said that he cant promise me it wont happen again, and if I cant deal with that then he's not the one for me, however I love him more than anything and we have been engaged for over a year and planned the wedding to happen in 2 years from now. I love him so much but i told him I cant be unhappy anymore and he said then maybe we should go our seperate ways.. im so lost and stressed out, i dont know what to do, any advice?
My advice to you is to know what you're getting into. Read up all about alcoholism and understand how addiction works in the mind of an alcoholic. Go to AA classes. Go to Alanon classes. It is never easy loving an alcoholic - be prepared!
» left by chrissy from australia (122 days 3 hours ago.)
My parnter works to spend his money on alcohol,spends at least 4-5 hrs every day at the pub,comes home then picks at every little thing with myself and my children,says hes always sorry for drinking says he wont do it again but every day is the same is never wrong in any aspect of life i often kick him out but he always returns back sorry and drunk again I still love him as the saying goes he is a lovely person take the drink away he says he will try to cut down what do i do?
What should you do? You should NOT believe anything he says so you won't have expectations of him. Once you take away having expectations of him not drinking, cutting down; etc, you will at once feel freer to love the person behind the addiction. Your disappointment is what's bringing you into the addiction with him. The addiction is making you sick with it. What you need to do is stop expecting what he says to happen.
Alcoholics mean well, they really do, and they may even believe they won't drink again, but until they actually choose to quit and become convicted in heart and mind, its all words what they say. So....stop believing it.
When he says, "I won't drink again." Smile and say, "ok".
It's not your problem - its his problem. Come away from his problem and start looking "in" as a bystander. That will give you the freedom to still love him but detach yourself from the lies and destructive behavior that alcoholism carries with it.
The alcoholic has to choose to stop drinking! They have to choose to love themselves! They have to choose to work on their marriage! You cannot do any of that for them. What you can do for them is not take any responsibility for the addiction -- that means don't let his empty promises and negative emotions to weigh you down and consume your day - let the addict worry about his addiction and what he is going to do.
Once you give up being in control of his addiction, the chances are higher he will start to take responsibility for his health and do something about it.
I highly recommend my book, THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP. It talks in depth about "what you can do" to support the alcoholic loved one in your life. I also talk about my own addiction with alcohol and what my husband did to help himself. The book is a must read for anyone who is married to an alcoholic, or loves an alcoholic. It will give you encouragement and hope.
Since writing this article some 80 days ago my partner decided to stop drinking on the 4 november,well where do I start ,he has no energy,no concertration span,very moody mainly towards myself,every day theres a fight between us due to his short temper,he will just take off for days on end no explaination where he is and return like nothings wrong,before he would pick on my children now its me,im lost yet again?wondering is this common when they stop drinking?Its just like he dosnt care about anything only himself.
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