Do you love an alcoholic? How can you live with an alcoholic and love them at the same time? Very carefully. It’s true, it is very difficult to live with an alcoholic, but people do it all the time. Alcohol controls the mind and spirit of a person, so in affect as long as the alcoholic is drinking you will not get much love in return. Being married to an alcoholic is not a reason for divorce. It is reason for helping your loved one with the disease. Alcohol addiction is called the insidious disease for a reason. It breaks up homes, kills lives, and keeps them from discovering the Creator. Can it get anymore insidious than that?
A person who drinks excessively is called an alcoholic but that is not who they are. A person who drives a truck is called a trucker, but that is not who they are. I believe alcohol addiction to be a phase or transition of a person’s life, meaning it can be temporary. But many alcoholics become sober only to start drinking again, soon after, why? It is because they think they are in control of their addiction, but they aren’t. If a person truly wants to get sober and stay sober, they will.
The person behind the destruction and deception of alcohol is a totally different person when they have been sober for six months. A sober alcoholic can be a very loving and spiritual human being who is able to discern right from wrong and able to live a happy and abundant life. As long as the alcoholic remains drinking, his true character remains hidden from others, and will be under the control of the drink in every aspect of his life.
What can you do for the alcoholic in your life? The first step in helping them is to first help yourself. Become knowledgeable about the disease. Once you realize the impact of how your actions may be affecting the alcoholic in your life, you can detach properly from their destructive behavior. Detaching can be difficult to do but if you love the alcoholic and want to be supportive, detaching with love is the way to go.
Are you enabling your loved one to drink? Are you rescuing them from their problems and responsibilities? Ask yourself these questions to find out?
Am I doing anything that would enable the alcoholic to drink?
Am I doing anything that would facilitate the alcoholic’s behavior?
Am I doing anything that would rescue the alcoholic from his problems?
Am I getting driven into the disease with the alcoholic?
The only way to truly be supportive is don’t rescue, don’t enable, and don’t allow yourself to get driven into the disease with them. Here are some of the ways you enable the alcoholic.
You enable when you take up the slack for the alcoholic by doing their chores, duties and responsibilities. You enable when you give the alcoholic money or buy them booze.
You enable when you drink with them, or when you do anything to help the alcoholic to continue to live his alcoholic lifestyle and not realize that he has a drinking problem. If you do everything for him, how will he know?
Here are some of the ways you would rescue the alcoholic? You rescue when you sweep the alcoholic’s messes under the rug. The alcoholic NEEDS to be responsible for his own mess. You rescue when you lie for them. You rescue when you bail them out of jail or pay court fees for them.
Understand that the enabler/rescuer, which is you, help the alcoholic to continue drinking when you unintentionally become entangled within the deception of the disease with them. Remember, alcoholism is an insidious disease, and it will trap you in its grip if you allow it to. Don’t allow this to happen, or there will be no hope in the alcoholic to ever stop drinking.
How would you become driven into the disease with the alcoholic? By trying to control the alcoholic and how and when he drinks. By threatening the alcoholic with angry words and name calling, you are driving yourself into alcoholism. Don’t fuss, fight, argue, plead or try to control the alcoholic – it won’t work!
When the alcoholic spouse tells you they are sorry for anything bad they did against the marriage or you, they probably are really sorry, but that does not mean that it won’t happen again. An alcoholic can’t control their actions once they start drinking. The drinking is what makes them out of control and under the enslavement of the disease.
There is great hope for the alcoholic in your life, if you take care of yourself first, by not enabling, rescuing or getting driven into the disease. Once you are aware of what you should and should not do, you will be free to set boundaries for yourself in the home. An alcoholic will not abide by any boundaries, so it would be fruitless to try. You are setting boundaries for your own spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, not the alcoholic’s. See part 2 on setting boundaries for you.
Angie Lewis is the author of five marriage books. Her style of writing focuses on the biblical foundations that God outlines for an exceptional marriage.
Love The Man You Married and LoveThe Woman You Married are great teaching tools for husband and wife to read together and then reflect upon. To preview or buy these books go here. http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled takes the reader on a spiritual journey towards spiritual awareness and forgiveness It talks about the author's own plight of overcoming alcohol addiction, coming to Christ and saving her marriage. To preview this inspirational book please see the marriage ministry. http://www.heavenministries.com
Since writing this article some 80 days ago my partner decided to stop drinking on the 4 november,well where do I start ,he has no energy,no concertration span,very moody mainly towards myself,every day theres a fight between us due to his short temper,he will just take off for days on end no explaination where he is and return like nothings wrong,before he would pick on my children now its me,im lost yet again?wondering is this common when they stop drinking?Its just like he dosnt care about anything only himself.
I just left my alcoholic husband after 15 years. I tried to be numb and live with it but a person can only take so much. We lived in a small community and he went to the bar 7 days a week. He groped at other women, peed the bed, demanded sex every night and when I finally had enough and left, he emailed and said lack of sex was the beginning of the end for him! We had sex at least 2-3 times a week and he thinks he never had sex! I went through many cycles-why-what did I do-what can I do-can't do anything, numb, angry, fed up! I have filed for a divorce and although I somehow still love my husband, I will never subject myself to that pain again. I consider myself a widow and my memories go back to the time when I married him and he was sober.
I'm sorry that you are having such difficulty with your alcoholic husband. My heart goes out to all the married people who are living with an alcoholic--its hard! It's VERY, very hard!! Sometimes separation is the only way for the sober spouse to have a right relationship with God. I suggest you put divorce on hold and remain separated for now.
When we allow "what others do" to determine "how we behave", they have won. they have won only in a sense. Actually they have lost becauase they are lost.
But if the alcoholic can continue to control the non alcoholic, it is time to separate yourself from that person. Because then and only then can you be well enough spiritually and mentally to have a relationship with the Lord.
Perhaps if you go to some Alanon meetings and learn to detach from the alcoholic instead of getting caught in the addiction with them, you will see clearly enough to take small steps to heal yourself and then help your husband come out from denial...for the alcoholic "coming out of denial" is the first step. For the spouse of an alcoholic "taking care of you" is the first step.
May God bless you and your husband, Angie Lewis The Alcoholism Trap
i have never heard some one say that before about considering themselves a widow and that really related to how i feel.its hard when you love some one who is an alcoholic,you try to desperately have normality,you beg and plead with them to stop drinking and put you and your children first and still nothing.i tried for years to stop him drinking and everything you say is true,you help them to be the way they are,you are their crutch,until you remove yourself and let them fall their will never be a change or a chance unless they want it.x
» left by Margeaux from Caribbean (186 days 13 hours ago.)
Hey everyone,
What an inspiring site!!
My story is a bit different…I am on the other end of the stick. My husband drinks and it may not be everyday but its almost every weekend and when he does he comes home the next day or more also quite abusive.
I love my husband and want to support and help him through this but I am tired mentally and physically. It is also affecting our 10 year old daughter in ways that you cannot imagine.
When getting over a hangover my husband eventually goes into deep thought claiming to regret his actions and hurts he has brought us and always vows to make a change. We still await the permanent change.
My family who has always been supportive is now sick and wishes me to leave.
I am my witts end but would love for my marriage and family to heal.
As alcholics, what is the best suggestion you have for me to get through to my husband on a permanent basis.
For me his friends are his worst enemies, misery loves company.
» left by MARIANNE from AUSTRALIA (182 days 1 hour ago.)
THIS IS THE FIRST GREAT ARTICLE I HAVE COME ACROSS,BUT IN MY CASE MY HUSBAND WORE ME DOWN AND THREATENED THE SAFETY OF OUR CHILDREN I TRIED SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS TO MAKE HIM SEE..THE LOVING WAY ,THE ANGRY WAY,PRETENDING HE WASNT DRINKING BUT YOU START TO FEEL YOUR TRAPPED AND YOU GET STUCK IN THERE CIRCLE OF DRINKING .HE SEES BUT HE KEEPS DRINKING HE KNOWS ITS DOING HARM AND THAT HIS LOST HIS FAMILY BUT HE KEEPS DRINKING HE KEEPS TO HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY AS THEY ALL DRINK AND ENABLE EACH OTHER TO DRINK I AM THE BAD ONE THAT DOESNT DRINK THAT DOESNT ENABLE HIM TO DRINK ,SO ITS HARD WHEN YOUR THE ONE OUT OF THE LOOP . IM THE TERRIBLE ONE IM THE ONE THAT KNOWS WHO HE REALLY IS ...I DO LOVE HIM ...I DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE ...HIS MY LIFE...BUT HE IS SLOWLY KILLING MY SOLE TO THE POINT IM NUMB .WE HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FOR A YEAR , TRIED COUNSELLING DIDNT WORK TRIED GETTING BACK TOGETHER 2 DAYS LATER DRINKING HE STILL DRINKS I HAVE TO SEND HIM AWAY WHEN HE PICKS UP THE KIDS AS HE REAKS OF BOOZE ,IF HIS LATE IT MEANS HIS HAD A BIG NIGHT SO HE DOSNT SEE THE KIDS ,NOW HE SEES THEM AT OUR HOUSE AS HE CANT COPE WITH ANYTHING ! SO PRETTY MUCH I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM ENABLING HIM TO DRINK ,HE HAS NO RESPONSIBILITIES FREE TO DRINK AS HE KNOWS I WILL TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS AND HE CAN DRINK WHEN EVER HE LIKES HE MISSESS US TERRIBLY WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK BUT HE ALWAYS PICKS THE BOTTLE OVER US . THERE IS NO WINNING THERE IS NO STAY ING IF I STAYED I WOULD OF SURELY DIED OF INSANITY BUT SOMETIMES I THINK EVEN WHEN U DO THINK YOUVE GOT AWAY FROM IT ALL BY SEPERATING ITS WORSE ...
» left by Sandra from Des Moines Iowa (173 days 9 hours ago.)
the alcoholic man I love, is kind, smart, funny and spiritual. He has to drink most days. He can't have 1 or 2 beers. when he drinks, he drinks until he is drunk. Then he becomes the other man I live with. Verbally demanding to the point of abuse. He complains he does not get enough attention or sex, that he needs it every day. I love him, but I am worn out. My friends and family think he is a great man. He works hard, he loves his children and me more than anything.... he has only 1 fault... he is an alcoholic. He has asked me to marry him... I can't commit until he proves our relationship comes first, not alcohol. I have detached. I don't argue or fuss. I just calmly just let him know that I will marry him, when "he" is ready.
What can I expect that his actions will be during this time of detaching?
Your question is a good one. I'm sure many people would also like to know "what to expect" since they have decided to detach from the alcoholic. Can you expect the alcoholic in your life to quit drinking? Hardly...This is such a important question I have decided to use it in my marriage column for this Wednesday, which is today.
Come on over to our marriage ministry and sign up to receive "Angie's Marriage column" every Wednesday.
» left by Bonnie Z. from NY NY (109 days 11 hours ago.)
If he really wants to marry you and you do him maybe you both could go to the doctor and he could get that pill that makes you violently ill if you drink...that might work for him...if he loves you first....alcoholism is a giant monster no one can kill but the person him/herself....that pill might be your answer...good luck God bless...
» left by Marisael Gleeson from California (166 days 21 hours ago.)
This column was very helpful to me in many ways...I was married to an alcoholic for 17 years. On two occasions he tried to kill me in a black out. I do not drink and I saw the signs when he became violent and I would take my son and flee. When I cam back the house would be torn to shreds and the next day he would ask what happened? Every time he drank I'd leave then he started to follow me without my knowledge one time he kicked in my wind shield with his foot and the next he let all the air out of my tires, the worst of times was when I was driving him home from my work barbecue at the beach on the way home he tore off my clothes and I jumped out of the moving van, the police came and arrested him while he was trying to strangle me on the highway in Florida. The second time he tried to kill me our next door neighbor called the police and my husband told the police that I hit him first so they took us both down to jail. I stayed in jail for 2 hours and he stayed 5 days. I don't think I had a better friend while he was sober and I loved him with all my heart I still do. I went to church and I prayed and I went through rehab with him and I kept the hope he would stay sober. I knew the problem was not me-because his behavior with one of his girlfriends before he married me was just as horrific of a nightmare that I endured. The respect and dignity was challenging and I grew to fear the man who I loved most-he did all the things a husband should and shouldn't do. I can't go into every detail-but I know God had his plan. I could not stay with this man who tried to kill me in every way imaginable and although I loved him-my fear of him became the focus of my life-I never knew when he would turn on me. I left him and divorced him-and my entire family has never forgiven me-only until I read this column did I see things differently in coping. I still love my best friend who was so good-that could be so bad in a black out-I had the most fun, the best of times, the happiest moments with him-and the most dark and profound with him as well. When I wound up in a cell in jail it all came to a head-I was my husband's passenger to his bottom and I clawed my way out of this marriage to save my life-however-I lost more than I gained in my divorce-and nothing has ever been the same...
I am a bit confused. Everyone says their alcoholic is great when he is not drinking. Mine is the opposite. He is great when he is drinking, but when the alcohol leaves his system, he is a nightmare. Why is this? One time, he did quit for a brief period (I think), and I found him a completely boring person. This is because it was too late - the alcohol had already taken his job, motivation, drivers lisence, and any sense of logic he once had. I feel trapped. This is because I prefer him stay drunk so he is nice. Needless to say, I am staying at a hotel for a week - - cheers!
Hi. Not every one is the same when they drink. There are a lot of nice drunks, but that does not mean they are at their full potential as people, or that they aren't harming their bodies physically, mentally, and spiritually. Some researchers say that a person's personality comes out more (is exaggerated) when they drink...but I don't think I believe that.
Hi. I am married to an alcoholic. He had drank for 8 years the last three years was the worst. He would buy a 750liter bottle, of anything that was hard liquor, every day and take only 1 day off a week to recover. To him I became a kill joy, not a fun person to be around and a bitch. I would become angry everytime he told me to buy him some more alcohol, but I would go and buy the stuff for him. I prayed and prayed for a miracle. Then one day, we went to go grocery shopping and ended up on a 6 hour road trip. There was an incident that broke my spirit and I had enough. So, I took my childern and left. My husband quit drinking. It has been 15 months since his last drink and we are back together.
The problem that I am facing is, now he has stopped drinking but I have not completely fixed my behaviors. I am feeling lost on how to communicate with him because over the years I shut him out of my thoughts and feelings. I have shut myself out of my thoughts and feelings. I would only tell him things that I felt when he was drunk and could not remember. He has went through treatment and now he feels he has made all the changes and I have done nothing. I still have enabling behaviors, and I have went to councling but he says if I don't make drastic changes that he will leave me, and that having these behaviors I am not healty to be around. My question is Do you have anything for an enabler to read or a study that can help me get to be a healthy person so that I may stay with my wonderful husband? I dont want to be a boxed up enabler anymore and some of the behaviors that I have I don't realize that I am even doing. Please Help.
Hi Heather! Congratulations on your husbands sobriety--that is great news for all of you! I understand what you are talking about. What you may not know is even though it was your husband who was addicted, you were just as much a part of the addiction as he was, simply because you were married to him and lived with him and had to put up with all the junk that comes with addiction. Addiction is always a family affair. Most partners of alcoholics are enablers in every way. They don't mean to be it just happens that way.
The good news is...old behavior patterns, enabling, and unhealthy emotions don't have to stay with us. We have to realize there is no more addiction and that your husband doesn't need you in that unhealthy way anymore, to enable and rescue him...you have to try and be his wife now rather than his crutch or enabler through letting the addiction and everything that comes along with it to go from your heart and mind.
Your husband wants his wife back, the woman he married, and now you have to allow the emotions of the past become a thing of the past by totally letting those old feelings and behaviors go. Maybe you have not forgiven him for the 8-years of abuse he put you and the children through--this is one reason why we would still hang onto the past. Your husband wants to continue growing but for some reason you are remaining in the addiction still and it is hindering the growth of your husband.
Detach from the old behaviors and emotions when they come on. Stop and ask yourself, "am I doing/saying anything that would bring up or refer back to the addiction?" "Am I behaving like a wife or the enabler again"? Do things together that will help you to grow with your husband.
Don't keep yourself bottled up from your husband it will do more harm than good. He wants all of his wife, not just the parts you know can't get hurt. You have to trust that your husband is sober now and won't hurt you again with angry/abusive words. Tell your husband that you are going to really try and give more of yourself to him and be more of a wife for him, but he too must be patient with you.
Try and communicate more with your husband about your feelings, I think your husband wants to feel close and intimate again with you, but you are still living in the addiction. To become more intimate you have to communicate more and express your feelings and your future you want with your husband. It's like a brand new marriage with a brand new person and that will take time getting used to, but I think you will find your new man much easier to get along with, if you would only reach out to him.
I have lots of good info/articles on intimacy and closeness in marriage. Come on over to our marriage website and browse a bit. Email me anytime and I will send you some links to some articles I think will offer the hope and encouragement you need. Sorry, I can't add links to the comments on searchwarp.
I THINK IT IS ALL A MENTAL THING. I'M A ALCOHOLIC ALSO WITH 3 KIDS, BOOKS TO ME AREN'T REALLY CAPTURING . THERE ARE SOME KNOLEDGES UNDERSTOOD, BT NOT ENOUGH TO LEARN OR SOULD I SAY FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS BY SOME ONE EALSES STEPS. WE WILL SURVIVE ONLY BY DEDICATION.
My husband is not an alcoholic but a prescription drug addict. Can you or your book help me to help him and our children? Our children are 35, 32 and 18.
I left you another message just a minute ago on search warp. So go check it out. I hope it helps. If you need more guidance or support please email me from my website at anytime. also check out the website called "Christian's in recovery". They have a lot of great information.
Nessa, thank you for contacting me through search warp. My website is Heaven Ministries and you can get in touch with me there also. There you will find free materials about addiction, mostly alcohol addiction but the same circumstances apply. All addiction ends up being a family affair, even if the kids are married and have their own families. It is difficult being around an addicted person because their behavior can be mean and rude. We have numerous free materials on the website and my book both offer the encouragement needed to detach from the addicts behavior, whether they are an alcoholic or drug addict.
Are you enabling him in anyway?
Do you often take care of his responsibilities for him because he can't or won't do them himself?
Is he often abusive to you and family members?
Not until you take care of yourself by detaching can you help your husband. Even family that does not live with the addict is affected by the outcomes of the addicts behavior. Once you all learn to detach from him with love, can you truly help him...and then you can do a family intervention.
» left by nicole from united states (90 days 14 hours ago.)
How would i cope when a alcoholic lies to you every day? He will say i won't drink tomorrow than. When tomorrow comes he does it. Than i say why did you lie to me he says i didn't. He is on capral he is suppose to take 2 pills three times a day. Should i continue giving him the 6 pills aday? He won't take them on his own.
An alcoholic can say whatever they want but alcoholism is an addiction with a compulsion to drink and to say they won't drink the next day are only words. Until the addict heals themselves and gets to the root of the problem affecting them emotionally, physically and spiritually, they simply can't quit drinking!!
I'm sorry I do not know anything about the pills you are talking about. I can't tell you anything at all about what to do about those.
Hang in there and remember that YOU need to take care of YOU! Not until you rescue yourself from the addiction will you be healed enough to help your husband.
I have a boyfried who is a alcoholic. We live in different states, but have fallen madly in love and he is planning on moving here within the month. 6 months ago he was in jail for 30 days for his 2nd hit and run (property not people) while drinking. Since then, it has been a struggle. He lost his job, he has isolated himself from friends and family and me being far away has been hard on him. I do everything for him- bills, medication, resumes, and I keep hoping he will love himself enough to do it for himself. He was everything I waited for (I'm 31). He comes from a great, loving family and he has such a good heart and when he was good, he was everything I needed. He has been drinking a lot lately, and our worlds are falling apart- he just called me 2 hours ago (after his mother called me and I was balling telling her how bad it is) and he told me he is going to rehab, he was crying in a way I've never heard and drunk from golf today. His sister just called and told me he was resisting coming and the cops came do to a disturbance with his neighbor and he just missed being arrested- he is on probation so that would of been BAD! He ran from the cops and his poor younger sister talked them out of arrested him- he is on his way back home to his family with his friends and sister and supposedly going to rehab tomorrow. I am a smart, young, educated successful young women that has got my self in a mess- nothing anyone can say will help, or will it? I just found this site tonight.
Yes, there is a a lot that you can do. For starters you can stop enabling and rescuing him!! If you love him you will stop doing everything for him. What are you going to do, or him for that matter, when he doesn't hit property one day but hits a human being? Your boy friend needs help. And so do you. You say you are smart, young, educated and successful but apparently you do not know anything about alcoholism. It would be a very wise thing to do to study up about alcoholism and learn all you can so you can actually help yourself and help your boy friend.
Please come to my website (link is above) and check out the "addiction help". On our website you will find a book called THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP that will give you the understanding that you need to come out of the trap of alcoholism and begin to help both of you.
» left by Cporter from Vermont (84 days 12 hours ago.)
I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who are living like this. My husband and I have been married 24 years and it is a secondmarriage for both of us. Our daughter is 17 and I have MS. I love our home, family, town, pets and cant face loosing them. Plus I probably would not be able to live on my own, however I am sick and tired of living with him. I may never find the answer.
If there is anyone with young children-get out now while you can.
Yes, there are so many spouses and loved ones of alcoholics that are hurting and in pain over living and loving an alcoholic. It is a prevalent problem in our society and it is because most loved ones do not know how to handle the alcoholic. That's why I wrote the book THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP to help people understand why the alcoholic drinks and what they can do to finally help themselves. you need to start takingcare of your mental, spiritual, and emotional well being....by you taking care of your self and healing the hurts it also will help your spouse.
Please come over to our website and check out our books on alcoholism. There are some great articles about living with an alcoholic too that will help you learn to detach emotionally from the alcoholic.
» left by NV from Sandiego ,CA (82 days 10 hours ago.)
Wow so I'm not the only one ...
I am 28yrs old have been with my alcoholic boyfriend on and off for 3 years. I say on and off because the off parts have been the times he has left me for other women.
We have been living together for about a year. I worry so much about his problem, I try to remind him of what the reasons he needs to quit for are. He thinks he has control of it because he can go a few days without a drink.
He is also emotionally abusive, yells at me, throws things toward me, and all for small arguments . He gets so irritated really easily. It's like walking on eggshells with him. He can be either one super loving or extremely aggressive when he is drunk that I fear him. He has gotten 2 DUI's since I've been with him, 3 in his whole life. He has been arrested for fighting at a bar. I enable him I know, I pay bills because he is always broke, when he does get money he rather buy weed or booze not set money aside.
This past Monday finally he's gotten the most aggresive I have ever seen him. He yelled at me so loudly, he got so angry, He punched a hole in the wall. I realized I'm in a bad bad place, that I need to get out of this relationship. That I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to let him go this time, and on Wednesday he cried to me saying he was sorry he couldn't be t he man I want him to be. I'm moving out, he hasn't asked me to stay, I want to stay wich is psychotic because I know this is not what the Lord has in plan for my life. I want him to find Jesus, to really experience his love so he can love himself and I have to realize I can't do it myself. I have problems too obviously because I am with him. I am just really really looking for more assurance that leaving him is the right thing.
I would like to think he really does love me. That all the things he has said he really means, but I know he probably doesn't. His problems and my co dependentcy on him are too many.
Please pray that I have strenght to go on with my desicion to leave him and move on to my life of freedom.
I don't know if you have read any of my comments on this subject but you have to take care of your wellbeing first before your boy friend will even begin to get help. You are a typical enabler as is most wife's and friends of alcoholics. We think we are loving them when we help them but what we are really do is prolonging the disease...they can get sober but not if the loved ones continue to enable and rescue them from their problem. Come on over to our website, check out our articles and books about alcoholism to give you a better understanding.
I will be praying for you and everyone who is hurting and in pain over living with an alcoholic. May God give you all the strength to get through this trying time in your lives.
» left by Vanessa from California (62 days 18 hours ago.)
I have a best friend for the past ten years. When we dated, I was madly in love. He and I were going to get married. Then he started drinking before he left for Iraq. Let's just say he was angry and mean. 5 years later, seeing him 3 times. Still madly in love. He is my best friend. Always there for me. Always dependable. He says that he is only drinking on the weekends. He says he no longer needs to party like that. I am scared though. I want him back. I love him. He finaly got a sturdy job and left the marine corps. He still is not financially viable because of his past mistakes(DUI). Should I give him a chance? I have loved him for so long, I don't know if I have the strength to detach myself anymore. I just want to fall into the relationship. When he used to drink, he used to scream yell, and get jealous. Will he do that now? It has been so many years since I have been with him, I don't know anymore. He says he is ready and can let go of the party scene for us. Shouldn't that action be for himself though. I am so confused. I usually do what's smartest, but with this man my heart tugs at the doubts and makes me struggle witht he decision. I left for years, telling him when he is ready I will come back. 5 years later. When I am with him I see huge signs of improvement. Yet, he still occasionally drinks. How much longer must I wait? Or should I give up altogether? Or is he actually ready? Right now, we are separating for 6 months to get our finances and stability of mind, then we are planning to start dating again. I know that I cannot just date this man, because I have been in love with him for 8 years. Are these smart decisions?
Not smart decisions. read what I told to the girl below. Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism. Don't enable but be supportive. Don't become too attached to an alcoholic it will pull you under with it if you are not careful.
» left by Geoffrey from Kentucky (62 days 6 hours ago.)
I love my boyfriend. But his alcoholism is driving a wedge between us. We have only been living together a few months, and I'm wondering if I should stick things out with him. When we first met, he was charming, and fun to be around. Now that we are living together, things are different. He drinks seven nights a week, usually at a bar. He goes beyond drunk, to the point that he passes out in public, wets himself, forgets where he is. I'm wondering if I can actually be of any help to him, or if by tolerating this "disease" I'm just settling. I dont know what to do. I want to wake up and have him sober, but I'm losing faith that, that will happen. There is alot that I want to accomplish in the next few years, and this whole issue has become really distracting. I love him, and I want to help him. But based on what he says, he has no desire to change, and someone wanting him too only makes him that much less likely to change. Not only do I feel like he is settling for less, its making me settle for less. Any advice? Anyone
I believe you can still be a support to your boyfriend but I would not find it advisable to think of getting married to an alcoholic. read all you can about alcoholism so you may understand it better and you can be more aware and prepared to deal with the problems that ensue when there is alcoholism in your life.
There is a difference between tolerating and enabling alcoholism. Tough love is very much needed when one loves an alcoholic...don't do anything that would be enabling his addiction.
» left by Anonymous (9 hours 56 minutes ago.) New Comment!
I live with an alcoholic. "It" was my husband until I divorced him a couple of years ago. After the divorce he quit drinking for several months and wanted to come back home to his family. I let him, and he soon took advantage of my trust and started drinking again. He is a selfish, horrible man who has caused our 17 year old to have severe anxiety issues...enough that he has been hospitalized and takes daily meds and "emergency" meds when the attacks start. And this is always after one of the drunk's outbursts over trivial things. All of the doctors/therapists my son has seen say that it is "dad's" (I hate referring to him as that) fault. I now despise him with a passion, as does my son...enough that he wants to change his last name to my maiden name, which is a fine idea. Its time to erase him from our lives once and for all. Let him wallow in the misery he keeps creating and let him do it all by his lonesome. He has lost his family and it was his choice. Call me a bad person for no longer having pitty for this man...maybe I am...but I wasn't always that way. This miserable alcoholic has changed me and my son. He is a selfish person who, as far as I am concerned is nothing to me any more...nothing. The sooner we get away from him once and for all the better off my son and I will be. Perhaps the old me will return and my son can recover from the damage that the drunk has caused. I write this because I beg of anyone with children in a home with an alcoholic...run, run, run...as fast as you can. Don't pity the drunk you are with...they don't pity you or your helpless child(ren). Get out and don't look back. They do not deserve you and your babies. Don't feel bad for them or worry about them when you go. They want you to feel miserable. This brings them satisfaction to see you hurt, so get out and don't worry or look back. Just take your children and run to a better life.
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