Loving an alcoholic is not about taking care of them, but about taking care of you. You have a responsibility to protect yourself from any of the alcoholic’s negative and destructive behavior. Setting boundaries for you is how to become healthy, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You may have to change a few personal things and schedules around the house a bit to accommodate your boundaries, but this is how you protect yourself from the insidious disease of alcoholism. All the boundaries I suggest are always detaching from the alcoholic in a loving way.
Don’t be around the alcoholic when they are drinking. Does this sound difficult to do. Well it isn’t if you have your own bedroom, or other room, with a television, desk, phone, cell phone, laptop, etc. Be prepared to leave any room the alcoholic is drinking in. When the alcoholic asks you why you are leaving the room, let them know the truth; you are powerless to control their behavior and you do not want to be around them while they are drinking; it’s as simple as that. You are taking care of you!
Don’t argue, plead, or yell at the alcoholic no matter how difficult it gets. This is what the alcoholic wants you to do. If you argue, fuss and fight, it takes the focus off of them and their drinking and on to you. See how that works? This is how the alcoholic drives you into the disease with them. Every time you try and control the alcoholic through words or argument, you actually lose the battle; they won! You stay in control by staying silent. You are in control when the alcoholic wants you to argue with them, but you walk away instead. This is taking care of you!
Don’t give the alcoholic money, booze, or pay their bills. By doing these things it will only enable them to continue drinking and also enable their irresponsibility to the household. If they pay part, or all of a utility that will get shut off if it is not paid, then of course pay it, but keep all receipts so they can pay you back. Let them know you are not taking over their financial responsibilities, but you certainly can’t live without heat or water.
Don’t have sex with a drinking alcoholic. You do not have to have sex with sloppy, booze smelling person, even if it is your spouse? By giving into the drinking alcoholic sexually, you are allowing yourself to be abused in a way that will cause much animosity and resentment later on down the road. Let them know when they are sober they can come to you for sex. And don’t have sex with a cheating alcoholic. This is a no-brainer. Do you want to catch the latest rash of venereal diseases? Set your boundaries.
Remember that setting boundaries for you is not a threat or a way to control the alcoholic. On the contrary, your boundaries have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you! The alcoholic may not like your new attitude and that is why you explain to them why you have set boundaries. Explain to them that you will not be around an argumentative or abusive alcoholic, but when they are sober, you would love to talk with them. Tell them, “I Love you, but I don’t love the disease."
For those of you with children, it is your responsibility to talk with your children about the parent with the alcohol addiction. They also need to detach from the drinking alcoholic for their spiritual and mental well-being. They desperately need to know it is not their fault that their mom or dad drinks. Let them know they are still loved by the alcoholic even if they get angry with them.
Search out God for your life in everything that you do. You will need the help of God for the strength, hope and faith to carry out with your boundaries. The minute you stop relying on God is when you will be tempted to give in and allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit. Don’t let that happen!
“Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change, (ourselves)" Quoted from the AL-ANON book.
The bottom line is you set a boundary to define your area, to protect your space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. You set the boundary because it is what you need to do for your self. The great aspect about this whole boundary thing is you will be helping the alcoholic to look at himself for a change and actually see that he does have a drinking problem and he needs to deal with it accordingly.
Angie Lewis is the author of five marriage books. Her style of writing focuses on the biblical foundations that God outlines for an exceptional marriage.
Love The Man You Married and LoveThe Woman You Married are great teaching tools for husband and wife to read together and then reflect upon. To preview or buy these books go here. http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled takes the reader on a spiritual journey towards spiritual awareness and forgiveness It talks about the author's own plight of overcoming alcohol addiction, coming to Christ and saving her marriage. To preview this inspirational book please see the marriage ministry. http://www.heavenministries.com
» left by Anonymous (2 years 20 days ago.)
Yes, It was. I can easily conquer the first two, however, the third needs to become as important. It is not my responsibility to fix this, it is my responsibility to take care of me while I have her in my home. She will leave before she stops drinking and if that is what has to be that is what has to be. Tough Love. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(13,804) Angie Lewis (2 years 17 days ago.)
Hi, I'm not sure which boundary you are talking about. But you are absolutely correct about taking care of you. Living with an alcoholic is never easy but you can make it easier by becoming more knowledgeable about alcohol addiction. For more great information about living with and loving an alcoholic, read my new book The Alcoholism Trap! You will find some useful information in there on dealing with the alcoholic and more ways that you can help them.
» left by mommy risa from emmett (1 year 236 days ago.)
I am in love with an Alcoholic mexican. We have a 7 yr. old together. We have been on and off for 11 years. He has to get married this year or loose his green card. I don't want to but I don't want him getting deported or marring someone else. I have to protect my teenagers as well as my 7 yr.old. How do I let go of him. Why can't I seem to just say no! Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(13,804) Angie Lewis (1 year 194 days ago.)
Dear friend, Love is one of those powerful emotions that can actually control us. Understand that "real love" is an unconditional love -- the same love we have been afforded by Jesus Christ, our Savior. I would NEVER marry someone because they need to get something out of the marriage other than "real love". My suggestion to you is to NOT marry him, ask Christ for forgiveness and stop having sex out of wedlock, so this will not happen again. Love yourself and who you are as a "child of God." Pray to God that He bring a loving man and protector into your life that will really love you for who you are.
» left by teri from crosby tx (1 year 195 days ago.)
I have a 14 yr old and a 9, how do I teach them to detach.I see them suffer emotionally every day. Respond to this comment
You need to tell your children that their mom or dad is sick. Addiction is a sickness - and your children need to understand that their mom or dad does not treat them the way he or she does because they do not love them, but because they have a sickness. Also, it is very important to instill a good self image into your children. Make sure they know that it is NOT their fault that their mom or dad is sick and they are still loved very much.
It is hard for you because they are so young, but if you keep consistent in bringing their ego's up and letting them know how much you both love them, they will get through it. Also, you must be strong through this for your children. They will pick up on your suffering and suffer from that as well.
Pray with them everyday and night for the recovery of their mom or dad - give them some hope for the future. And talk to them about how they can have a personal relationship with Jesus. When little children feel good inside they can get through a lot of suffering. Talk to them about Jesus and let them choose to have Him as their friend, and comforter in their time of need.
And never give up hope that one day the alcoholic will get sober. You can help them do that by your own loving actions and by detaching with love from them. Read the book, "The Alcoholism Trap" it will help you considerably.
» left by Miss Lady (1 year 117 days ago.)
This article is helpful. Lately, my Daddy has been reaching out to me a lot more when he wants to engaged what I call "therapy talk". I know that this sounds harsh but I have reached my limit in supporting him unconditionally. But I do feel guilty not being there for him when he really wants to get better.
» left by Maria from Philippines (1 year 117 days ago.)
My husband has been in recovery for more than 10 years. But the womanizing didn't stop, and I only learned it when he relapsed, a few months back, when he was brought home by some stranger half unconscious. Since then, he's been to a short-course of rehab for relapse prevention. I love my husband, we have 3 kids, ages 11, 9, 8. They all adore him, as he's fun. I've told him that the only condition I ask if he wants to come back is to tell me how things will change, particularly the women. He now denies the women. He now says its time to fix our own lives, he on his own, I on my own. Only thing he cares for now is to be able to see his kids. I'm confused... Respond to this comment
Hi, I am in a state of depression as I read these articles so much guilt was lifted from my soul. I have a partner that I have been dating for one year. When we first met, we would go out for drinks after work. i am not a drinker at all. I may sip on one drink the whole night. When continued to see each other and we would go to bars together maybe 2 times a week. It was very enjoyable at first. Then I started to notice behaviors like using the rest room outside. Her whole personality would change, she didnt seem to care about the things that she normally would when she was not drinking. She would drink herself into a stooper. She displayed physical violence once. And I stressed to her that that would not be tolerated. She have not since been physically aggressive. After a few incidents I decided that I was no longer interested in hanging out in bars with her. I tryed to do things that was more on the positive side. At ythis time she agree not to drink. I still continued to keep a distance between us because of the fear of her drinking again and I didn't want to deal with that anymore. doing that time, She would pick a fight and I would not hear from her for a couple of days. she would always deny drinking. But, I knew better. I had no proof and I wanted to believe her. Well, recently, she has changed, I have never doubted her love for me. Now I do. She all of a sudden, need to figure things out. I found her drunk at a bar. I just needed to know that my gutt was correct. After this incident she ddnt call me for 3 days. I called her, And everything seemed to be my fault. I found myself pleading with her. She now says that I never wanted her and she cant do this anymore. I told her that I love her and want to be with her. I even told her she can have her space to drink. I have not stood by my standards. She made me feel that everything that was happening is my fault. She has started to go out drinking a least 4 times a week. She ask me to let her go. I know that she loves me. We have something so special and rare. I have not spoke to her in 3 days. But I have saw her car at a bar. What do I do? Do I just let her go? Will she return to me if I don't contact her?
» left by Zacha Lopez from Seattle (295 days 22 hours ago.)
You remind me of myself, only I'm a woman. It's easy for me to be objective, I'm outside of the situation and not in love with this woman. She doesn't treat you well at all such as not calling for days and you stay with her. I'm in a similar situation but I broke up with the guy after I found out how much he drinks (after seeing him for 2.5 months, and being intimate). We met on an internet site and hit it off. We had a quick involvment. He has no friends, new hobbies, likes to do "as little as possible" but likes drinking beer. When he would come over on Friday nights he would drink 4 beers in 1.5 hours. After 3 I would say, "I thought you were only going to have 3" and he would say, "I get a bonus beer". He went home to see his family for the holidays and only sent one e-mail all week and failed to answer mine. He didn't call the night before he was leaving. When I reached him I found out he had been drinking and he said he drank 3. After I finally confronted him about his drinking, I found out he gets drunk at home alone every weekend. "Why do you drink?" I asked and he said because it is fun; on another occasion he said the beer calmed his nerves. My internist said that alcohol releases endorphins and thus people with depression and anxiety drink.
At first he agreed to cut down to 3 beers as I asked. Then he said he would not make any agreement or promise and he would drink "as I see fit." I cried and cried but did ask him to leave and have not contacted him in a week thus breaking off the relationship. I am on medications and don't drink a drop, thus we aren't a match. If only he didn't drink, everything would be great. It's sad, tragic. It is a horrible disease.
I attended an AA meeting (I don't like Al Anon) and found it very reinforcing. The stories of what alcohol does to people when they are using, is reinforcing, so I don't go back to that guy. He refused professional help or AA. I think the idea of a sponsor sounds great. Perhaps I have my own addiction: dating destructive men. Tomorrow I will have one week of sobriety from seeing him!
You are lucky you have only waisted a year. Addiction is a life long battle. I should know because I was like you and let this women into my life. Five years later we are having the same conversations, lies and promises. I wish I had followed my gut when I first met her. I recommend you walk away and let them learn what drinking can coast them..you. If it is meant to be then perhaps they may sober up and go to meetings..but just because they are sober today, does not mean they will be sober tommorrow. Alcoholics are great liars! Please do what I wish I had and walk away. You only have only have one life to live. Make it your own. Good-Luck.
» left by lisa from philadelphia pa (262 days 3 hours ago.)
my 16 year old daughter is an alcoholic and exploring drugs. how do you detach from someone you are still responsible for?? i got the nightmare call from a police officer -- my child was in the emergency room -- her blood alcohol at .325, and she'd been raped. she only remembers leaving school with friends, having fun and drinking from a bottle of vodka -- then she woke up in the emergency room. she refuses to follow any sort of house rules -- and is obsessed with being out with friends. how do i set boundaries for myself or detach?
» left by Angie Lewis(13,804) Angie Lewis (261 days 9 hours ago.)
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My heart feels for you and your daughter. Detaching is not allowing the abuse from the alcoholic to control how you will behave towards that person. Detaching does not mean leaving as in the physical sense. Detaching means to not do anything that would enable the drinker to continue to abuse themselves.
I know what you are going thru, I have been there and done that with my own mother. I remember times when she had to hold my head up off the toilet seat so I could throw up from drinking so much. I was a rebellious teenager with lots of emotional issues. Most of it was contributed to the way I was eating. Try to look beyond the shennanagins (disease) and see your daughter - she is crying out for help and needs you right now, more than you or her know.
Please email me from my website. I can certainly identify with both of you. I would like to talk with your more and give you some Godly support and guidance.
Thankyou, reading this has been helpful for me. I had been dating an alcoholic for the past 2 years. For the first year I didn't know he was an alcholic....but the more time I spent with him the more I noticed the amount he would drink. Too bad for me, by now I was so in love with him I thought I could put up with it. Things got worse as time went on, he no longer wanted to do anything but wait around to start drinking. I thought that because he had a full time job he could not be a drunk...but as he said he is a high functioning alcoholic. I'm really hooked on him, he is smart, funny and my best friend. I try to avoid him when he is drunk but sometimes that is hard. We don't live together but he spends most of his time here with me, but then starts a fight leaves and won't talk to me for days or even weeks. He makes up reasons we should'nt be together but then in a few days (after I've been hurt and lost sleep) he comes back around and the cycle starts all over. I need help and I WANT out. I can't seem to say no to him.......he is my best friend. help
Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad that you have found some encouragement from reading this article. You can still be best friends but it is not a good idea to get married or even become romantically involved with an alcoholic because you will get hurt, as you already have. Stay friends but you have to stand up for your personal well being and say no about him coming over, getting drunk, and starting fights. You need to come off of the emotional roller coaster ride and find a man who is going to really love you instead of playing with your emotions.
Remain friends, and help him if you can but for your own sake and for his sobriety you need to detach from him. As long as you keep coming back to him he will never get help for himself. He has you right where he wants you. That's not fair to you, is it!!???
You can help yourself. read my book The Alcoholism Trap. It will give you some instruction on how to handle the alcoholic. My website, heaven ministries has a lot of articles on addiction and what the loved one can do. Go to ALANON. Take care of you...
Email me again from my website Take care and God Bless! Angie Lewis
Thankyou, reading this has been helpful for me. I had been dating an alcoholic for the past 2 years. For the first year I didn't know he was an alcholic....but the more time I spent with him the more I noticed the amount he would drink. Too bad for me, by now I was so in love with him I thought I could put up with it. Things got worse as time went on, he no longer wanted to do anything but wait around to start drinking. I thought that because he had a full time job he could not be a drunk...but as he said he is a high functioning alcoholic. I'm really hooked on him, he is smart, funny and my best friend. I try to avoid him when he is drunk but sometimes that is hard. We don't live together but he spends most of his time here with me, but then starts a fight leaves and won't talk to me for days or even weeks. He makes up reasons we should'nt be together but then in a few days (after I've been hurt and lost sleep) he comes back around and the cycle starts all over. I need help and I WANT out. I can't seem to say no to him.......he is my best friend. help
One more thing.......sex was good at first but now I'm sure he could care less. I want it all the time. If I'm lucky I get it once week but with not much touching or kissing.
yes, i am in love with an alcoholic. we have been seeing each other for 9 months. it's a long distance relationship. really hard. i think i have been more in tears than happy in the last eight months. he tells me he loves me and i wants to see me, i make plans to go visit and than he says not now. so we talk on the phone and i wait patiently. he wants to be with me and i have the money and time to travel. so i make plans again. he shoots me down again. so i called him and said that's it, i can't take it any more. i told him it wasn't his fault, that i loved him but it just isn't the right time for a relationship. no blame, just facts. i love him so much i am just heart broken. i text him now and leave messages and he won't return them. i think i better just leave him alone now. maybe he will see what his drinking has done to us. there are consequences and choices. that's the only thing we have control over in our lives, choices. but God i miss him so.
Hello! thanks for reading the article. I'm sorry you are hurting. Loving an alcoholic hurts...the pain can be almost unbearable at times...but you will get over him, and you will find someone new that loves you with their actions rather than with words. Take time out of your day to talk to God. Seek his will for your life. Allow Him into your heart and give you the peace and contentment you are needing at this time of suffering in your life.
As difficult as it may be, do not allow him back into your life unless he has been sober for at least 6 months. He also needs to be free of an emotional attachment if he is trying to get sober...
Email me again from my website Take care and God bless! Angie
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