First of all let me say this, I don’t condone adultery. And just because it is forgivable by God, if a spouse repents and turns from their sin, doesn’t make it justifiable in any way shape or form. Infidelity always hurts someone and causes much unneeded animosity between couples. It’s best to be healthy minded spiritually and mentally so you won’t be tempted by lustful desires in the first place. But unfortunately many Christians today are not keeping as spiritually fit as they should.
I got an email yesterday by a grieving man who couldn’t understand how I could write articles on forgiving a spouse of adultery. He is still going through such a hard time of it, trying to forgive his wife, which at this stage of his grieving, would be worse than death itself. He is in the denial stage of forgiveness. Anger keeps us living in our horrid feelings and we deny forgiveness even exists. But the fact is, if Jesus would forgive adultery then we as believers need to do the same.
I explain to couples all the time about the basic principles on how to forgive their spouse of adultery. Why do I do this? Why do I waste my time on trying to explain to people how to forgive when they are in so much pain and suffering? I do it because it is scriptural! It’s not about what I write in my articles and books. I don’t tell people to forgive, God does! What I write comes from the word of God. If you see my opinion in an article I will usually say, “I believe", or “I think."
Just last week I get an email from someone who wants me to tell them it’s okay for them to divorce their husband or wife because of unfaithfulness. But I don’t give them what they want. I don’t tell them what their ears want to hear because that is not what scripture says. Many times I have to tell people things that they don’t want to hear.
Infidelity is not a loophole for divorce! (Matthew 5:31-32) (Matthew 19:3-12) (Mark 10: 2-10) (Luke 16:15-18) (Romans 7:2-3) (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)
I would never advise anyone to divorce his or her spouse because of infidelity. That is not what the bible says! I don’t have this Christian marriage ministry to make friends. I have been given this marriage ministry to help people! In my articles on forgiveness I show couples how to forgive and work on healing themselves and restoring their marriage.
Adultery is common in Christian homes today and it is because couples are not interacting with God about these moral issues but are relying upon their own understanding of things, which is most likely, based upon feelings and what feels good. Most of these individuals are not bad people; they have only gotten lax with their beliefs and spiritual efforts in Christ Jesus.
As Christian’s, don’t forget, we are the example to everyone else; isn’t that important to you? The Christian life is not about going after what WE desire; at least it isn’t for the believer. Christ Ones have a responsibility to Him that overshadows everything else. The believer has a responsibility to God before anything else in his life. If a Christian is not FIRST living up to his or her responsibilities in Christ, then how can you expect him to be responsible in his or her marriage? It isn’t going to happen! For the Christian, there is only one way and that is God’s way.
“Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."
(John 14:21 NIV)
Angie Lewis is the author of five marriage books. Her style of writing focuses on the biblical foundations that God outlines for an exceptional marriage.
Love The Man You Married and LoveThe Woman You Married are great teaching tools for husband and wife to read together and then reflect upon. To preview or buy these books go here. http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled takes the reader on a spiritual journey towards spiritual awareness and forgiveness It talks about the author's own plight of overcoming alcohol addiction, coming to Christ and saving her marriage. To preview this inspirational book please see the marriage ministry. http://www.heavenministries.com
» left by BALLA from Manchester (2 years 135 days ago.)
Adultery is Forgivable: Infidelity Is Not A Loophole For Divorce-this is indeed the best material I have ever read on the internet,the way of the world seems to be point to unforgiveness which equals stress,grief leading to sickness and then death....I have been the bad-guy in my marriage and the wife doesnt seem to let go(dont blame her)although she seems to be into the word of GOD.By faith,it shall come to pass.....But indeed,No forgiveness,No going forward. Respond to this comment
» left by Angie Lewis(13,733) Angie Lewis (2 years 123 days ago.)
Dear Balla, I am really sorry to hear that your wife is having a difficult time with forgiveness. At first, there usually is an initial period where emotions go whacko. One day your wife may feel better about the situation and the next she is back into unforgiveness again. And that is because forgiving someone in its completeness is very difficult to do. It means throwing up our arms and giving our emotions and feelings to God and never bringing up the hurt again. That is what true forgiveness is. Your wife needs to understand that we all sin and in God's eye a sin is a sin. He does not have different degrees of punishment for different sins.
Pray about it, and with time and after she sees that she can trust you once again, because you have repented, right? Then she should eventually be able to be ok with it and finally let it go.
» left by MB from Valley (2 years 123 days ago.)
Are their any books you would recommend on healing following something like this? Respond to this comment
I have numerous articles on healing ourselves and working on improving marriage at my website under the article section. Also, I have written two marriage books that offer advice, encouragement and spiritual guidance for couples to follow for healthy marriages. They are Love The Man You Married and Love The Woman You Married. Both books discuss many different aspects of marriage, such as adultery, communication, intimacy, temptation, and forgiveness that couples can apply into their marriage.
God is our healer, so by doing the will of God for our marriage, we become healed. Getting our house off the sand, and building our house on a firm godly foundation, which is God's word is what will ultimately restore your marriage.
I also give out free marital support and guidance.
» left by Anonymous (2 years 96 days ago.)
It just makes me sick to the stomach to hear people casually say, "just forgive the person." It is easier said than done. I kept the fact that my husband has been cheating on me for 10 years of our 10 year marriage and all of the "holyier than thou" people said "just forgive." What about the 10 years of humiliation, shame, hurt, anger, and sleepness nights I have had to deal with? Jesus said more than once...do not divorce, except for infidelity. I think God has given us choices...yes, we must forgive! No, we do not have to stay in a relationship that causes us pain. Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (2 years 95 days ago.)
What happens if you want to forgive and stay married, but the adulterer does not? Respond to this comment
thats when God comes to play. Divorce is not an option but if the person leaves then let it go and continue to love God. the bible says that it is because of the hardening of heart that God Paul says we can divorce but the truth is that we all have sinned and come short of the glory of God the only we can remarry is if our spouse diesnot through divorce. If you decide to get a divorce pray first and God will let you know the right thing to do and also read Hosea.
» left by Calvin Bridges from wappingers falls, ny usa (1 year 233 days ago.)
I'm a christian man and don't believe in divorce, I was face with the heartbreak of my x- wife who is now my x-wife, after 2 years sepration, I finally sign the divorce, By her wishes and my two years of suffering mental and emotional abuse, as well as my son who is now suffering under her care, as two the many men she brought in the house, I strongly desire to sign the papers and take great care of my son who is now ADHD and may have bipolar disorder. I try holding on to not to divorce, but watching my kids suffer, my daughter is 18 years of age, while outside the home, I find out she gotten an aborsion since the time of my sepration, she is hurting, she has taken advise from my x-wife to be about relationship. So to hear a priest say, " don't divorce under no reason, even if it hurts your children, and she ends up have another guys child, Instead stay alone and seprated until you die, is not what jesus christ has in mind." If that was the case there be no reason for him coming to the earth, we still will be under the old jewish law! I find cut your losses are a whole lot better, than staying angry and emotional depress and sucidal, As I turn my heart to christ and dearly repent, for not understanding her and keeping my relationship strong, I feel a sense of grace being restored, I even has come to forgive my wife. She is even happier, even thought she still battles her addiction,early stages of cerebal pasley, her upbringing emotional abuse from her abusive alcohol father, who make even me feel unconfortable. Combine that with her bipolar disorder, which she is finally getting counsel for, which I begged her for years, she denie having anything wrong to begain with. What she put me through was unspeakable, not to say my children who I dearly love,
Survive my Wife's Midlife Crisis was not possible, due to her desire not to get help and denies that anything is wrong, and her constant cheating nature, as now she about to have another man child, we currently seprated for two years, and I keep a non sexually and non intimate lifestyle, and I'm dearly glad I have. It has made me stronger in spirit and wiser to know when it time to really get a divorce, a silent voice tells you it ok to let go and communion with our heavenly father. The reason I tell you all this is because I don't want no other spouse who in my situation, be tie down by some old wore out teaching and truly get to know the grace of our lord and savior. When a person chooses not to get help for their premidlife crisis, no matter what you do and say their minds are made up. I hope my x-wife heals and do find what she is looking for, she herself has found ups and downs in her new relationships. I'm just glad that peace is now coming home again, and the relationship between my son, daughter and I has become more at peace. I have a son by her and a daughter from my first relationship when I was only a youth myself, I truly aware I have what it take to deal with tough issuses in a relationship, I choose to accept her divorce, 2 years in spirit and truth has is long enought to realize it time to move on. I hope this is meanful to someone who is going through a similar cause. Please write me, I leave the following pointers to look for, you may find a better anwser than I.
here is just a brief example:
* She says her feelings for me have changed - she loves me, but she's "not in love with you."
* She says she needs her own space so that she can find herself - she wants time to "think things through"
* She seems very concerned about her appearance - she's going shopping every day, dressing differently, and in general is trying to look younger
* She has severe mood swings and is irritable all the time
* She's emotionally detached and discontent with her life and marriage
* She's started hanging out with younger, single early 20+ females - going to bars and staying out until all hours of the night
* She's pushed me away physically and no longer desires an intimate relationship
In addition...
* She's dropped her old hobbies and her old friendships
* She avoids spending time with me and my children, even drop my children for 3 days to 1 week at my family house, after going on a sex mission encounter - she seems to desire the single life again
* She says she has an empty feeling inside and seems to be unhappy for no apparent reason
* She seems to only care about herself and her own needs - she's distant and unresponsive
* She no longer seems satisfied with what you're able to provide her
* She's admitted interest in another man, she has confessed she has sleep with another men and had to see the doctors with prescribed medication more than often.
* She accuses me of holding her back and blames me for everything wrong in her life, yet my inlaws or outlaws, "say this is normal, she'll get over it."
* She wants to be independent, live on her own and make her own decisions, she has accuse my parents, and her parents as well for controlling her life. When she the one going our all times of the night, never cook a meal for my children, I end up doing the cooking, the cleaning and housekeeping and work two jobs, as a fool I drop all the money in her hands. Paying the bills was a challenges. Now I see how satan deceived EVE, experiencing this premidlife crisis, is like living hell on earth!
Signs of a Cheating Wife or Girlfriend
Here are some of the most common signs of a cheating wife or girlfriend.
1. She is emotionally distant. Cold as Ice, she even made my own brother feel unconfortable as she loves to flirt with him. So my brother never come by.
2. She buys new underwear and/or clothes. Sexy tongs to show me what her new boyfriend enjoy. I was filled with hurt, and listen to her say, "just relax, she just teasing you." She practise what she preaches when it comes down to temptation of lust.
3. She sets up a new, secret e-mail account. Thank god for my pc tech skills, I was able to open up a ton of email that end in her meeting many of these guys.
4. She goes out “with the girls” and comes home hours later. Ladies that believe in cheating on there spouse and love to bragg about it.
5. I founds birth-control pills in the medicine cabinet and her mother advise her to do.
6. She sets up a secret, cell phone account, billed to her family address and a secret prepaid credit card.
7. She joins several online dating clubs
8. The toilet seat is up when I comes home. My son were only 3 years old and can't lift the toilet seat at the time, and my brother stays away, due to her flirting nature.
9. She loses her wedding ring or “it wears through.”
10. She deletes all incoming phone calls from caller ID, the phone message machine, her cell messages, and her e-mail. My pc tech skills were able to retrieved some of the data from the registery files, good thing to know, plus spy softwares works great as well.
11. She becomes suspicious of me, due to her own guilt. Even accuse me of desiring another women, yet I work as much as 96 hours to pay the bills and keep her sassy lifestyle up. I hate cheaters and liars.
12. She asks what me would do if she “died.” I confess I would raise the kids to best of my ability, after two relationship over the cause of 25 years, I most likely would stay single.
13. She takes the car seat and kids’ toys out of her car. My son were only a toddle at the time when she would drive him in the passager side of the car, that made me upset, especially when she hasn't crash the car two times into some poor inocent drives, yet by law she gotten away with it, I'm still paying the price tag on her car incidents.
14. She has hickies or bruises on her neck or arms. She claims she feel and had a bad accident.
15. She stops having sex with me for a ridiculous reason. Gave me a million excusives, yet she had sex with me all other times and never had a problem, like my 60 belly is too big, like I'm can keep up energy for more than 5 minutes or I can't give her an organism, so she will find some one who would do it, for what I find out, she still can't get an organism. And my favorite, I not feel you no more, I feeling for somebody else, he touch me deeply inside, in ways you never touch me. I mean the physcial sex here, she describes it to a tee, making me more painful hurt inside.
16. She starts fights to get out of the house and “go to monqie’s” (her moral enemy) or the mall down in new york city, or brooklyn for that matter.
17. She took a day off, but didn’t tell me. I get a call from the police department for her stealing out department stores.
18. Her colleagues are uncomfortable around her me. Because she share her secrets to them and later they would advise me to leave her, even after the spill they confess that she brought her new found boyfriend by, leaving them confuse, some even attend our marriage.
19. She’s on the computer a lot after I goes to bed.
20. She’s away from home, overnight. Saying she is staying with a girlfriend, later she confess it was her new found boyfriend who her aunt introduce her to.
21. Her husband finds small items he didn’t give her. Expensive jewerly, perfumes, who knows maybe she brought them for her new found boyfriend with cash I gave her for household expensives.
22. She’s nervous, irritable, and loses her temper often. Disrespect me before her friends and family.
23. Telephone callers hang up when I answers.
24. She stops paying close attention to events in the family.
25. Intuition (gut feeling) tells me something’s wrong.
26. Her attitude towards everyone changes. Let's just say it ryms with Witch, but begains with a B instead of a W. This is not coming from me, but the ladies in her family.
27. She speaks very softly on the phone or hangs up quickly.
28. She is “glowing.” jumps with joys and show great excitements, then a downward spiral in depression. She would go on
29. She’s disorganized.
30. She sleeps with her purse beside the bed. When I was home and notice her cheating nature. She would locked the bedroom door and I had to sleep in my son's room.
31. She criticizes me to others.
32. The telltale sign of a cheating wife is having to ask if she’s cheating. Respond to this comment
» left by CDR from Lubbock, TX (1 year 60 days ago.)
my wife and i have been going through some rough time over the last few years, and i now realize why. it is because we never comitted our marriage to God and obeyed His will. i know better not but my wife still wants a devorce and has started the process. i try to tell her about the will of God and how God would want us to reconcile in His love, rather than devorce but he doesn't want to here it from me. she even once told me that she can't accept that from me that she would rather here it from someone else. so could you please send her some coraspondance on restoring a marriage, and how devorce is not in thw will of God. Please mail to Carlotta R. Washington-Russell
I am having a tough time forgiving my husband for cheating on me.i found out he was cheating 2months after we got married.and he was seeing this woman months before we got married.We have been together 5years before we got married and i thought we was starting a new exciting chapter in our lives,we had already have a 1year old son,we were a family.I never cheated or tried to play the role of a man with him.i respected him and I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend and wife.i cooked,clean,never denied him physically and do whatever he ask of me,i didn't nag him because i knew he didn't like that.So i cant understand why he did what he did and when he did finally admit to what he has done after i keep asking him if its true his explanation is "I don't know why i did it". "She was pretty", "I Wanted to see if I could get her"then he says "I am sorry" "I love you".whats up with that?what am I suppose to do, hope he don't run into a pretty woman or hopes she don't want him?I pray and talk to God throughout the day.I read my bible and went to my pastor for counseling with him I cried to him asking him please not to cheat on me again and to talk to me if he have a problem with our marriage,That was in 2007 and in 2009 he did it again with two other women.What am I suppose to do?what if he bring me back a sex disease?what if i contract HIV from his infidelity?am i suppose to stay with him and pray that i don't contract the disease?I don't want to put my life at risk and I have a young child.If I could forgive him that does not mean he is going to respect our marriage and stop,he hasn't stop yet.what am I to do?
Hi there. first, I would stop having sex with him. Secondly if he is not willing to stop in his infidelities than you may need to resort to others measures, especially if it is harming your own spirituality, which I know that it is. You have the option of taking care of YOU. If that sounds like something you want to do then email me from my website. What couples don't realize is that once they start detaching from the sins/weaknesses of their spouse that can begin to live for Christ. don't let your spouse bring you down with him. Get spiritually well so you can then be a good Christ-like example to your spouse!
» left by Anonymous from NC (29 days 2 hours ago.)
I cheated on my husband last year with my ex-husband whom I have 2 children by. We have discussed what happened and why over and over I have repented and asked for forgiveness, but he is really suffering with the fact that it was the father of my children. It is not as often as before but he will get these flair-ups and say really mean, nasty, things to me. And it hurts so bad. I am trying to move forward in our relationship and show him how sorry I am. I have deprived my children the right to see their dad to please mt husband. I struggle with this and am not sure if it is right. I just don't know what else to do to show him it was a mistake, I fell short and allowed myself to be deceived. I know that I don't want my ex, however my actions did not show that. Currently my husband and I are pregnant and will have a new addition to our family in about 8 weeks. It drives me crazy to know that that what I done is probably going to follow after her birth. I feel that it is unfair for this child to have suffer for something that happened before she was even thought of. I try to explain this to my husband but he says it hurts too bad to let go and he won't feel better until my ex is dead. He says he wants this marriage and wants to heal, but I just don't know. How long should I have to live in shame? My God has forgiven me, I know, but I am being pulled down spiritually every time my husband speaks to me such hatred. I feel as though I don't deserve to live, like the worst person in the world. I am so embarrassed I don't even want to go to church and didn't want to go back to work because when it happened last year he called my boss, family and friends & told them what happened. What to do? I am praying he can, we can work thru this.
Well, the first thing you have to realize is that to your husband... infidelity hurts... it is like the death of your marriage... you have to work to rebuild the marriage and the foundation you two started with that caused you to want to be married in the first place. Also, your current husband is threatened by your ex and he should be. Your ex is someone that he can't get out of your life. Your ex is your children's father. So, your husband can't ever cut out the cancer of the marriage. So, you need to lead by example and show your husband how to be a good Christian... show him how to believe. You need to say to yourself and COMMIT for once and for all that you are a Christian and as such you will not, under any circumstances let the devil win. You will not give in ever again to infidelity. Further, you will also COMMIT to staying in your marriage until your husband dies.... period. That means if he cries, moans, etc. about the past... you stay faithful... that means if he does a revenge cheat.... you stay... if he NEVER gets over this and ALWAYS brings it up and the rest of you life you have to live through it over and over.... you stay faithful.... get the picture? Lastly, if you sincerely make a commitment, a convenent with God to stay... your spouse will know just how serious you are and they can finally relax and know .... you'll stay faithful!
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