For decades we’ve been told that men and women look for different characteristics in each other when seeking a mate. We’ve told that men are visual and prefer young, good looking women and that women want the bad boy with or without cash flow.
Guess what, this is so true. But not in the way you’ve been told. Evolutionary psychologists studying mate choice say when it comes to long term relationships, men and women look for two particular traits in a mate – and this apparently is universal. No it’s not physical appearance, it isn't money, it isn't status, it’s not even charisma or sense of humour - it kindness and intelligence. Believe it or not, it’s kindness and intelligence! And it has been that way for a very long time, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years.
Apparently all men and all women in all corners of the world look for indicators of a person’s ability to get along in the world—and kindness and intelligence are the human traits that sum it all up. But this is the part I really like. They say the reason our ancestors attracted more mates and higher quality mates was because they were smarter than average and kinder than average.
But it’s more complicated than that. Let me break it down for you.
Kindness – This is not the same thing as “nice" uh-hmm. Kindness is more than being nice. Many kind people are actually not very “nice" people. By “nice" here I mean saying only the things others want to hear, being at their beckon call, never asking for what you want because you are afraid of hurting their feelings and basically being someone else’s doormat. That is a whole other level of “kindness."
What is meant by “kindness" is very complex and that is why saying some is a "kind person" means so many things. This is how I understand kindness. It may not be your definition but you’ll get it all the same. The word “kind" comes from the word “kindred" or “kin" and kindness is recognition that we all share a common family - humankind. To say that someone treated you "kindly" or with “kindness" would be to say that that person acted and treated you as if you were a relative (kindred). And how do we (normal people) treat relatives? With thoughtfulness, understanding, compassion, consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, helpfulness, empathy, approval, attention – you get the picture.
So guys, when a woman says she prefers a “Nice Guy" she is not referring to door-mat-nice but referring to the Psychological trait of “kindness" . She wants a man who can treat her like a "kindred". And when she says she is attracted to “Bad Boys" she is attracted to the Psychological trait of “Intelligence." I will explain the intelligence trait in a minute.
My hypothesis is that the reason we’re attracted to good looks and a youthful appearance is because our Psychological brains translate fine and easy-on the eyes features as “kindness." And of course if we go by the definition of kindness I gave, we all have good looks (or at least wish, hope and pray). This is just me thinking no research no evidence – yet. But I bet you a few years from now someone is going to back it up with facts.
The second trait is Intelligence – This is where it gets really, really interesting. Continued in Part 2 of this article...
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