In order to better understand the difference between discipline, and punishment lets evaluate them.
Discipline
Disciplining is about teaching your teen right from wrong in a positive way with a definite emphasis on nurturing, and guidance. When disciplining a teen, you are relating to them, and how their misbehaviour has consequences. By doing this, you are teaching acceptance by self-discipline, and responsibility for their actions. If done right, discipline is a road map to future behaviour of your teen, without making them feel bad about themselves or you as their parent.
Punishment
Punishment, on the other hand, relates to consequences that are created to control misbehaviour, which includes removing privileges, grounding, or withholding allowances. By punishing your teen, you may feel that you are in control of them, but it will only end in your teen finding new and creative ways to continue their bad behaviour. Punishment is also one of the major causes of rebellion in teenagers, further heightening the misdeed and punishment cycle.
What Punishment Really Does
Punishment will only serve as a control method for a short time, but the social consequences on a teen that is punished can be quite a different story. Teens who are punished are made to feel weak, and incapable. By punishing, you are teaching them to look to external authority in order to determine how they should act, and behave, rather than looking within themselves, and finding the answers in past learning experiences.
When punishing your teen, you are in fact teaching them not to make their own choices, decide for themselves what is good for them, or who is important to them. You are actually teaching your teen to submit to authority, and obey those who are more powerful than they are.
If you treat your teen as an inferior person, they will become inferior. Without the power to develop individual love and trust, they will fear you, and hide behaviour that is unsatisfactory to you out of fear, rather than choice.
What About Grounding? Grounding as a punishment is generally a consequence of choice in the heat of the moment when a parent wants to punish their teen, and see the effects that it has on them. Punishing your teen in this way will only drive them further away from you, as well as increase their tension, fear of you, anxiety, and increase bad feelings toward you, and the authority that you have taken over them.
If Grounding Doesn’t Work, What Does? Your teen is fast approaching adulthood, and will appreciate being treated as an adult-in-training, rather than a child. So treat them with respect, and negotiate an agreement with them, rather than tell them what they must do. Make your agreements with your teen before a misdeed arises, without mentioning the consequences.
Agreements
An agreement that is based on persuasion will be looked upon more favourably by your teen simply because you are not dictating to them what is expected. You are partnering in a decision that will benefit you both. You are also being respectful to your teen's individuality as they feel that they are being given a choice.
If your teen breaks the agreement, then a logical consequence related to the agreement should be discussed, not dictated. For example, if the agreement was made around collecting their dinner plate, and dishes from the table after a meal, the consequence should be related to the unwashed dishes, by simply making your teen wash, and put away their own dishes after a meal.
» left by Misha Harrison from Myrtle beach,Sc (1 year 180 days ago.)
yes the article was helpful because I'm doing a school report and it's he;p me alot! Respond to this comment
» left by (1 year 157 days ago.)
I have a friend who was a child slave in Haiti. She was severely beaten, starved, made to sleep on the floor etc... She is the most focused, motivated, inspirational person I know. She did not know her mother growing up and I'm not sure how she found her. I am amazed at how kind and compassionate she has turned out. She is friends and on good terms with her mother today. This is in sharp contrast to other teens I know who are abusive to their parents, in trouble with the law and even estranged. I was discussing this with my friend and she seems to think that her beatings made her the way she is, she has a survivalist instinct. Whereas kids who have all the opportunities to them and aren't disciplined enough seem to be spolied. She is not condoning beatings, but making an observation. Does anyone else notice this? In her case, it seems punishment worked over discipline. I would think that if you were beaten you'd be abusive too. FYI. If you'd like to read about Lili's life as a child slave read Lili Dauphin "Crying Mountain" and " I Will Fly Again-the Restavek". Respond to this comment
» left by Debbie from Accident, MD (339 days 23 hours ago.)
If you can't get your teen to do the dishes to help out around the house, how does it help to make them do just their own dish? And let's see you make them do it if they don't want to.
i agree that if the teen is already a difficult teen who doesn't want to cooperate, then simply asking them to cooperate with more of the same just won't work. what about these difficult teens who would rather argue than do as asked?
Because if you show respect to them the idea is that they will soon catch on and show respect to you by eventually doing your dishes too. And yes they won't want to do it if you make them. ask them nicely and if they refuse then you should talk to them about the importance of little things like picking up their plate and how it will help them be better prepared in the future.
» left by Tracy Tresidder from Sydney, Australia (334 days 12 hours ago.)
Thank you for that reposnse above. To reply to the one above that...You cannot make anyone do anything! If you try to coerce, nag or criticise your teen into doing something you are applying external control. This will cause a disconnect in the relationship, one that you are ultimatley trying to bring closer. Give up on the external control and try listening, respecting and understanding their point of view. That will allow them to feel that you actually do respect and hear them. And allow the logical or natural consequence to take place - not punishment
I have something to say about the statement about the teenager not wanting to do the dishes from Debbie. I disagree with you about that. You are the one in control of your teen and the way I see it, your teen doesn't have a choice. He or she will do the dishes and that's end of story.
You have got to be kidding me! In all walks of life there are consequences for bad behavior. I have three teenagers and your notion of being "positive" when they need discipline is absurd. I refuse to believe that grounding is a poor parenting decision if a child is out of control. Our children need to know we love them enough to make those important decisions for them. I am not saying I do this out of anger, I am saying I do this out of love. With privileges come responsibilities and anyone who makes a poor choice will have consequences. In my house the cell phone is removed if it is abused. The computer is turned off if the child has a room to clean. And they all have curfews that follow their grade level: 9th grader has to be home by 9, 12th grader has to be home by midnight, etc. We have an important job to do as parents. Our children need more than guidance and reasoning. They need us to care enough to take the time to teach them responsibility, and guess what: WE ARE IN CONTROL or at least we should be! We give up control a little bit at a time as they mature and prove themselves responsible. The author of the above must not have had children or else is not being forthcoming in how she really had to deal with them.
I agree with you in many ways; we do need to have boundaries in place and consequences for breaking agreements or pushing bounaries too far. The problem is when parents simply "tell" their teens constantly what they can and cannot do. Try changing it to a discussion and a negotionation and you the parent be very clear on your bottom line, do not be ambiguous and have the teen repeat back what the final agreement is. If they break the agreement the consequence comes into place. For example If they spend too much time on "screens' gaming and don't do their homework - then the "screens" are banned for the week or during term time or whatever it is that you agree on. If they take their cell phone into their bedroom at night and you have made an agreement not to - then the logical consequence is they have their phone confiscated for a day or two - not for a whole term! Holding them accountable for breaking the agreement and putting a logical consequence in place works far better than trying to "control" their every waking hour and dishing out punishment after punsihment - all this teaches them is how to get away with it better next time so they don't get caught!
Take a look at the "Parent as Coach Approach" you will discover some great tips and strategies.
My parents had worked out an agreement based positive punishment form with my brother and sister, who are teenagers. The agreement stipulates that when one does something considered inappropriate or wrong they would get privileges taken away. My sister stole my dad's car and went joy riding with her friends at 2 am and egged peers' houses, who they didn't like. Instead of getting the police involved, they attempted to take away her phone and ground her for three weekends. She hit my mother as she attempted to take the phone. My mother to defend herself from my sister fist pushed her away. My sister ran away to one of the friends she had been joyriding with and called the police claiming my parents physically abused her frequently and that she couldn't take it anymore. My parents are now under investigation by CPS. How would you suggest the should have approached my sister? Respond to this comment
You are absolutely correct. We as caring parents have tried the author's advice and it fails miserably. My child of 14 years not only did not return our respect but make a decision to take horrific pornographic fotos and sent to older men some over 40 years and in return receives similar disguisting pictures. We are putting our foot firm on the ground to turn things around. This Author must seriously be kidding!!! Please face the facts on the ground or at least go to other homes to witness the facts
those people in contact with your teen must be reported to the police! the acts you describe are pedophilic in nature, and need to be addressed immediately! the computer would be gone, the phone would be gone; there would be intervention in the heaviest way - withdrawn from her current school and "grounded indefinitely" -
we need to realign our thinking - you are fighting for your child's life now - acts like this go beyond "basic respect" and obedientcy, these are signs of severe mental issues that need to be addressed - pronto. Fight for your child's life, and do it now while she's young! Don't give up on her!
» left by annonymous from Britain (202 days 3 hours ago.)
Of course your teen is going to dislike you because of the punishments you hand out, it's part of being a parent. this disipates after time as they mature and realise that the mistakes they made were unacceptable especially to their own family. over the past 30 years or so Disciplining children has lessened and teenage antisocial behaviour has massivly increased, this is due to the fact that they know they are untouchable. My guess is that if the author has children and her stategy was deployed on them then they have probably grown up to be bolshy, overbearing unlikable people. A reasonable and fitting punishment should always be used, this whole "but my kids won't like me attitude" is a weakminded parents fear.
In fact I have two teenage boys 19 and 16, both responsibile, confident, kind and caring young men. They are well rounded, have developed a strong sense of responsibility through being "disciplined" in the real sense of the word. Discipline means to "learn" and they have learnt a sense of what is right and wrong and are now able to make good responsibile choices on their own. We have a strong, loving relationship that has been based on the Parent as Coach Approach. A method that many of the disbelievers above would do well to learn and practice in their lives. I have worked with parents and teenagers for the past 25 years, of which the last 6 have been with the "Parent as Coach Approach" and the change in all of their relationships has been outstanding. Here is a quote from a parent that I completed a 4 month coaching program with this week: "It has been a very personal and challenging program, however I feel coming out the other side, knowing the strong position our relationship is in now, this topic should be taught in all schools. My relationship with my step son which was what I described as "terminal" at the start of the program has taken a huge leap forward since we both completed the coaching program. I was invited last week to be a "friend" on Tom's Facebook - this says it all" David
Please do not be so quick to cast disparraging comments - I invite you to try the "Parent as Coach Approach" with your teens and see the amazing difference in
your relationship. Most of the work to be done is with the parents - if they are willing to change the way they are doing some things they will see a cascading effect on their teen. It is not about trying to fix and change your kid! Take a look at parentascoach you will be amazed at the power of this work!
» left by Annonymous from Britain (201 days 23 hours ago.)
In todays fast moving enviroment of work and commitments neither my wife or my self have the time and take the nicey nicey approach when a teenager tells us to *&+k off and smashes a glass door because there was sweetcorn on her dinner plate, don't get me wrong, noone was forcing her to eat it, that was her choice, but when faced constantly with such challenging behaviour trying to sit down and "negotiate" with them after the situation has calmed down would just reinforce the teenagers view of "I can do whatever I want and nothing will happen as a consequence", I am presently supporting two teenagers through university, run an almost constant taxi service for them, never ask for any money from them to help with the household bills for which they are responsible for most of the electric and heating costs, we supply all their food, accomodation, computer needs etc etc etc, for all of this you would expect any normal human being to at the very least show a little respect, I know teenagers by their very nature are lazy when it comes to household chores and this is one area I don't try to force. Sorry but i don't subscribe to the nicey nicey approach, it breeds contempt from them and gives them the view of having their parents wrapped around their Finger.
I was brought up in the 60's and 70's by a very strict father and would regularly recieve a beating (and i mean a beating) for the smallest of offences. this has never hindered my working career or my interactions with others and i don't have any fear for authority as your comments suggest. what it did teach me was a very simple fact "RESPECT". something that is very sadly lacking in teenagers over the past couple of decades. forgive me but i won't be taking up your offer of trying your plan.
Well hippes were also in the 60's but that form of love has disappeared too. Each new decade comes with new tactics and attempting to raise your kids "the old fashioned way" in such a new world wont work. With my kids I learned that you can't assume that they will be forced to respect you when you disrespect them. Respond to this comment
I would suggest that you read the book Parent as Coach and then put into practice the tools, tips and strategies. This is not by any means a nicey nicey approach! It is about developing responsibility and it appears you are constantly rescuing your teenagers and not allowing them to be responsible. What would happen if you did not drive them every where? How would they get to where they wanted to go? Probably take public transport - I guess? And to do that they would need to get a job to pay for it. If they use foul langage and smash things what is the consequence? You continue to provide everything and take them everywhere - what is their part in this family? I see you are in Britian - try checking out Sarah Newton the UK's top teen coach. She has been trained in the Parent as Coach Approach and uses its methodolgy with all her clients, both parents and teens. I feel like you are burying your head until the teenage years are over! They can be some of the most challenging yet rewarding times of your life as a parent. I would love to be able to support you in some way through this so you can see how good these times really can be. Respect is the thing that both parents and teens both want - and can ultimatley be achieved.
I understand that many of you parents are contradicting this article and YES maybe this technique wont work for every teen but I discussed these factors with my parents after having increasing uncooperation with them and things truly have been better. Take it from the person that you are trying to help. I was sick of being treated like I was back in 3rd grade and wished my parents would view me older than they assumed I am. When we would basically get in "fights" I felt that if she is going to disrespect me than why on earth should I give respect to her. I was always punished for grades and after 3 years of being punished nothing had changed. Things have been way better when I am now able to discuss my opinions on issues and not be forced to follow my parents opinions or be punished otherwise. Discussing arising problems is much less stressful and how can I be disrespectful to two people who give me such much respect. I believe that if teens like me want to be viewed as an adult then they should be responsible enough to deal with their own punishments instead of being forced to feel bad and punished. And as i review these common responses stating that this way of negotiating is impossible it reminds me of what my mom used to be like where she would only listen to her own opinions and you could ether follow those beliefs or be punished if not. A teen is the stage where you are supposed to learn how to make your own decisions to become an adult but punishment is just forcing them(me) into having to obey all of my parents beliefs.
» left by robert from nashville (135 days 19 hours ago.)
My 16 year old step daughter, Amy, has basically been getting in trouble for the last 2 years. she hangs with a bad crowd. 2 years ago she was arrested and taken to juvenile for curfew (we thought she was safe at a friends spending the night). she has flunked drug tests (1 our of 3). About 1.5 months ago, the day before we were going to give Amy a 2004 car, Amy while at school had a clothes violation and the principal was cussed at by Amy.Amy was suspended for a day-Amy called her Bio Dad to get her and the topic never was told to My wife and I until a week later when we received a letter from the school in the mail.We took Amy's car away. My wife let her start driving to work (and some school days) about 2 weeks later. About 2 weeks after that, Amy was still grounded but was still driving to work-I was looking the mileage and noticed Amy was going way farther than work and I told my wife and she said don't nit pick. about 2 weeks went by. On a Saturday night Amy said she instead of getting off at 8 she was working later till 11. My wife and I went there and Amy was gone (she lied). My wife immediately called amy and left her a voice mail to come home. Amy never cane home. we searched and looked and we saw her she ran-she drive by us an sped up. Until the following Thursday at noon she totaled the car but was not hurt (one 7 year old had a broken arm)-3 cars were involved on a 55 mile/hr road--car is totally trashed!! Amy was taken to juvenile and they released her in 20 minutes (my wife had to get her or be arrested). The next day my wife took Amy to juvenile for counseling and my wife said that they told her to forget the past and let her more or less do anything until she messes up again.My wife loves her Children tremendously, but in my opinion she is "a Freind" too much.
What in your opinion is a good form of punishment under these circumstances?
» left by Tracy from Sydney, Australia (135 days 2 hours ago.)
This is not easy to answer fully in a few short paragraphs - it really goes back to her parenting style - which sounds like it is more Parent as Rescuer than Parent as Coach.
The consequence needs to be logically related to the agreement that was broken - and I am not certain if there was an agreement made. The bottom line that I see is that she is not being responsible and I question the ability of somone to drive a car if they are not being responsible. So in hindsight it would have been better not to give her back the car until she had shown that she was now responsibile.
Can you get her involved in some form of community service to make amends to the other people involved in the car accident. I am surprised the law did not commit her to 200 or more hours of community service - in something that was related to the offence.
Your wife would really benefit from learning some new parenting skills to enable her to parent her daughter in a way that allows her to become reponsible, compassionate, and independent. It is possible but requires first a change from the adult as you cannot force the teen to change. The more you force the more they resist and go the other way. As the adult starts to change the teen also changes. I am not saying that you should be accepting of unaaceptable behaviour - it is the way you handle it that is important. Go to the Parent as Coach website and download the book/audio and maybe even get yourself a Parent Coach. This stuff works!
I'm amazed at how many people are completely missing the point. The only thing your children will know when they are adults is what you teach them. You hand out punishments and spankings and things they will dread, you teach them to be followers because of fear. You teach them that they will have a negative consequence for a negative action (you leave your plate on the table, you wash it, you forget to put your dirty clothes in the laundry, you won't have any clean clothes this week, you talk disrespectfully to your parents, you will lose your privacy and respect from them) Lets think about this, when you don't show up for work one day. Does your boss spank you when you walk in the door the next? Does he ground you to your cubicle? Does he take your cell phone away? No will fire you for being unreliable because he does not see you as committed to the company, which in turn will halt your income, which will lead to unpaid bills, which will lead to the loss of your home. See that? Consequence. What are you raising your kids for? Are you raising them to be your kids or are you raising them to be responsible adults, ready for the world that they face ahead of them? If you are raising them to just be your kids then by all means keep punishing them. They will not be ready to face the real world when they become adults because that is not how the world works.
As for the parents talking about out of control teenagers who scream and rage and act unreasonably, remember this. First of all, they are a mixture of hormones as their bodies are maturing too rapidly for them to keep up. They are constantly changing and live in quite a bit of confusion. Now keep that in mind of how they are already feeling and you ad a "go to your room" or "I will take away your most prized posession", this will result in anger and rage. NOt to mention they have lived their entire short lives hearing this constant disrespect from you as the parent (you read that right, disrespect, because we try so hard to teach them respect so they will view your actions as being disrespectful to them). Instead why not try to communicate lovingly with them when you see their frustration rising. Instead of "don't talk to me that way young lady I will take your cell phone away" try, "Ok I see that you are becoming frustrated, when you calm down I really want to hear what is bothering you so we can together figure out how to make the situation better" They still might fling themselves up and slam their bedroom door, but as soon as they calm down (which they eventually will) they are more likely to come to you and remembering your offer to help them than if you dished out a punishment which will only make them clam up and keep their anger inside. I was once that angry teenager, and I have yet to forget how hurt I was because I honestly did not feel my parents cared of what I was going through. I know for a fact I know what I'm talking about. My husbands stepdaughter came to live with us when she was 15 years old. We treated her with respect and let her make her own decisions and she is now a very responsible 18 yr old, has been employed since she was 16, and is now living on her own supporting herself financially making very good decisions. We have a tween now and we are also switching to the same parental technique after trying and failing miserably with the traditional and are seeing a huge difference in behavior.
Thank you for this article it was most helpful and reassuring!
Humans, in short, are human and that has not and will not change. As such history, in almost every instance, can give us clues as to whether choices we are making are moving us toward better or worse consequences. With that in mind, I would like to add a few, what I would refer to as pertinent, historical observations to this article.
The "greatest generation" was punished. Growing up they paid dear consequences (by todays standards) for their actions. They won WWII and made the US a superpower.
The "Baby Boomers" were punished/disciplined. Growing up they received a spanking, were told why they received a spanking and then told how much they were loved. They protested Vietnam and as businessmen have financially wrecked America with their greed. (I leave businesswomen out of that last part as they have been working very hard to break the glass ceiling created by their male counter parts)
"Generation-x" was/is disciplined (?). They have been given everything to include replacements for what they have destroyed accompanied with a pat on the head and an apology it took so long to replace it. Only time will tell their accomplishments or lack there of. Personally, to date, I haven't seen much more than unfounded arrogance with the members of Gen-X that have made it into the business world.
By all means we should continue raising our children for a kinder more gentler world. We should also brace ourself that our little lambikins may very well be forced into a meat grinder more stark than the Depression and WWII combined.
Nope, sorry. Spare the rod and spoil the child (historical 'ruined' spoiled not modern 'cutsie' spoiled).
» left by Anonymous from berrien springs, MI, USA (8 days 18 hours ago.)
my mom read this article then told me that i deserved every punishment i'd recieved. i would personally say that i can be very rebellious though i really do want a better relationship with my parents. just every time i do something stupid, they punish me. i probably deserve the punishment, but as soon as the talk about grounding me or taking away priviledges (which is usually for 3+ weeks) something in my brain makes me feel like it doesnt matter if i talk to them. i can never tell my parents how i feel because whenever i have they still punish me- and then i dont want too talk anymore. they wont let me get consequences, they always punish me and then talk too the people who would be effected and get me out of the consequences. i feel like i'm never gonna learn from my mistakes and i know this may sound stupid- but i really want to. they make me pay for my car insurance and for part of my school bill. i have always paid the proper ammount and i have never paid late. recently i was caught doing 'improper' things with my girlfriend and now i'm 'grounded until they can figure out how to punish me'. i feel really alone now since i really had a close relationship with this girl- she was the only person i could really talk too. and my parents keep asking why i cant talk too them- and i've told them why, they just shrug it off and say theyre trying and that they're doing whats best for me. i dont think i will ever be allowed too be responsible because if i am unresponsible my parents punish me then cover up for me. i really want too act more responsible. i just feel like my parents wont work with me- they only want instant results. its really hard. any help would be welcome.
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