The Circles of Hell

Dante had it all wrong.  The circles of hell do not correspond with sin.  They correspond with the stages of children and I know what the first three levels are like from experience.

Level One – Your task is to dress and feed a child.  This is your only task and you have all day to do it.  The child is two-years old and absolutely refuses to wear anything.  When you do succeed it looks very much like you were drunk when you did it.  If you have nothing better to do for the day, you can afford the time to wrestle, plead, cajole, threaten and inevitably give in to the child and let him wear whatever he wants.  If you need to leave in fifteen minutes, call up and cancel your appointment.  It’s not going to happen.

Feeding this little hellion will only amount to the child throwing the food on the floor and screaming that he hates it.  Or, you’ll finally create a dish he desires and he’ll scream because the peas are touching the macaroni.  Or, you’ll have cut his sandwich in squares and he’ll want triangles.

By the time you finish feeding him, you’ll have to get him into a clean change of clothes.  Simply repeat the episode from the morning.  This will get him good and hungry for the next meal that he will refuse with great enthusiasm no matter how hungry he is. 

Level Two – You will be assigned a three-year old to follow you everywhere.  No place is sacred.  From the kitchen to the bathroom this child will repeat everything you say in the form of a question. 

“Please don’t stand on the cat."

“Don’t stand on the cat?"

“Stop picking your nose."

“Picking my nose?"

“Why is there jelly in my slipper?"

“Jelly in your slipper?"

Level Three – You are escorted by two kids, ages four and five.  They are bright enough to think up their own questions.  The four-year old asks why pumpkins rot, why crayons melt in the car and what makes Jell-o jiggle.  Be prepared to be a walking encyclopedia because you will need to be an expert on everything.

The five-year old will just ask one question five MILLION times a day.

“We’re going to the store."

“Why?"

“To buy groceries."

“Why?"

“To eat."

“Why?"

“Because we need food for energy."

“Why?"

“Because God made us that way."

Before the five-year old can say anything...along comes a smarmy seven-year old to ask. “Who’s God?"

There are more than nine circles of hell and they continue right on through the teen years.  I think Dante was just being kind.  But he got one thing right.  Raising kids IS a divine comedy.
 
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©Lisa Barker - Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!

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Comments on this article:

» left by Sandra E. Graham from Paragould, Ar (2 years 201 days ago.)

Very good and insightful article. I have a two-year old grandson and I go through the 1,000 yard dash of "why?'s" every day---I do a lot of babysitting. I also had to dress him in a tuxedo last weekend as he was to be ring bearer in a wedding. I was the only one who could convince him to wear a tux (with tiny tails---too cute!). But not even I could convince him to carry a small pillow with rings tied to it down the aisle. He threw it down grabbed up his stuffed frog and that is how he went down the aisle!
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» left by Lisa Barker (2 years 201 days ago.)
Lol! Sounds like a cute little one. :) Too precious.
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» left by robert melaccio sr. (2 years 201 days ago.)

Before I start, good article to think about. It is evident parents and grandparents must have a lesson to learn or they are being punished for some historic sin they committed? I don’t know but I prefer to call them little angels. Don’t ask me why when their behavior is the opposite many times, but that’s what I call them. Now I don’t suspect having children and being parents has changed? It seems all you describe goes with making babies and having responsibility. You know when you couldn’t wait to tell your other half, hey we are going to have a baby, or two, or three, or more and did not think of the afterwards. “The bottom line”, as Stone Cold Steve Austin says is all children need to learn and if parents and grandparents do not know how to teach them then they will soon find out who is in control? I always seem to hear "they listen to you". That is because no is no and stop is stop and they know the difference before I say it. Bribes go no where and when they learn no is yes and maybe is yes, or later is yes, or perhaps is yes, or we’ll think about it when Grandpa or dad comes home is yes, they will rule. So just remember that one day up the road when you think all is past and you can finally rest the doorbell will sound and your little angels will arrive with their little angels to the sound of could you watch our little angels for a few years or so? And you will look at your other half and say- sure, and here is where you lie, we’ll be happy to. Only kidding, good work. PS, my doorbell just sounded.

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» left by Teresa Ortiz ^(12,195)
Teresa Ortiz (1 year 308 days ago.)
Hi Lisa, very true, very funny and very tiring! Yes, raising kids take divine help. I pray all the time. My kids are now 19 and 17. I pray even harder. You did bring back one memory: "Brittany why did you put your peanut butter and jelly sandwhich on the wall?" " Because, I wanted to know if it would stick" it makes me smile.. thanks.
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