Why is it that as our children move into the teenage years we, as parents, often try to pull in the reins and take more control? We often use one of the Seven Deadly Habits, as described by William Glasser which ulitmately destroys the parent/teen relationship.
Criticising
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control
Do any of these ring true with you? If so it's time to think about replacing them with the Seven Connecting Habits of Choice Theory.
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences
When you next disagree with your teenager think about this: "Is what I am about to do or say going to bring me closer to my teenager or move us further apart?" Do what you can to keep close. The relationship takes precedence over always being "right"
Choice Theory challenges the ancient "I know what's right for you" tradition and replaces it with "the only person I can really control is me, and I choose everything I do" So next time you are about to nag, criticise, complain, threaten or punish your teenager think about using one of the Seven Ways to Coach your teenager instead and begin to transform your relationship into one of mutual love and respect.
This month I would like you to take on a new way of being with your teenager. Being in control of you and not trying to be in control of them. Ask yourself these questions as the challenging moment arises:
- Do I want to make them wrong and me right just for the sake of being right?
- Do I respect them and value their unique qualities?
- Do I really listen to them and understand their point of view?
- Do I go into rescue mode instead of supporting them so they learn to become responsibile?
- Do I want to command and direct or do I want them to become self-directed?
Make a copy of the Seven Deadly Habit list and review it each day - catch youself in the act of being "that" way. Now try to replace your way of being with one of the Seven Connecting Habits and watch your relationship transform. |
