So many single men and women spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to find that special someone to share a life with. Our appetite for a relationship fuels a billion-dollar industry of match-making services, lonely hearts ads, online dating, dating and relationship books, programs, workshops and coaching services.
Yet so many men and women still get no where in their elusive search for love.
Over the years working as a coach, I found the following characteristics common among men and women across all walks of life, age, race or location for who no amount of advice, techniques, programs or books work.
1) They have a penchant for intellectualizing feelings and experiences. This puts them outside of their own experiences and reality.
2) They are suspicious and defensive. This makes building trust between coach and client, and anyone else for that matter very hard - and they somehow manage to convince themselves it’s the other person’s fault.
3) They refuse and/or are unwillingness to see how they are creating their own personal and relationship problems. They see their problems as caused by external factors (such as, the man obviously has a problem with commitment, the woman is damaged by this or that, if only he/she would do this, if only our society was more, it’s my parents fault I am this way. etc).
These people have subconsciously blocked the capacity to see that it’s “them" not the “other" that got them into the mess they are in the first place. Because they see their problems as outside of themselves or caused by “others" they also are looking for external answers, and instant solutions that will calm their anxiety (feeling overwhelmed) and lift their moods while not at all touching on the their role in creating their reality - which ironically is part of the problem they have problems in their personal lives and with relationships in the first place.
They are on the constant search for “how to do this" and “how to do that." What should I do about this or what do you think about this. They get so focused on the process, approach or technique all the while denying the fact that it’s not just “lack of information" or “lack of skill" or “lack of technique" but the unwillingness to focus on the “inner experience" through self-awareness that is the problem.
When this is brought to their attention they become impatient, defensive, guarded, angry and touchy: “My feelings are hurt," “I am disappointed," “If you had said/explained/coached me like this, it’s you fault." And thus conclude coaching is not working or that they are just wasting their time (at least this is where we both agree).
But for those who finally get it, those who really get it, it’s like a light switching from off to on with a very loud “click". And in no time, I receive an email telling me they met someone special and considering making it long-term.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
