One of the biggest mistakes many men and women make is approaching a man or woman thinking they already know for sure what all men or all women think, believe, do, or say. They've developed theories, explanations, reasons, and the likes that have them believing they've figured it all out. And they think that because they’ve read the book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus," they know everything about men-women communication. And most of them are shocked when with all that knowledge they can’t truly communicate with the opposite sex.
When you approach an encounter thinking that you already “know" or can accurately predict the other person’s behaviour, you will tend to be more concerned with being right and making sure the other person agrees with you or changes their mind to agree with what you think, like, or want to happen. You will tend to talk mostly about yourself, but more than that, you also will be prone to mixing up facts with feelings, and feelings with intentions.
For instance, you may say something and he/she instantly dismisses it as “nonsense" or gives you the impression he/she thinks you are not ‘well informed on the subject". The hairs on the back of your neck stand up—the hairs you can handle, or so you tell yourself. But the reality is that your mind puts a guard up and goes into the fight or flight mode. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex communication crisis in real time—no books and no coaches to pump you full of nifty ideas. You may try really hard to control and hold your feelings and emotions, only for them to tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots. If you’ve ever said or done things that make perfect sense in the moment, but later on seem, well . . . stupid, then you know what I am talking about.
If you want to really connect with a man or woman, take more interest in understanding where he or she is coming from rather than trying to achieve agreement or to change his or her mind. Instead of assuming that his/her experience, reality, preferences, goals, desires, and expectations are the same as your own, accept that you don’t know what his/her motivations are, because, chances are, you don’t. And instead of projecting your own feelings and ideas on him/her, try to contemplate his/her internal world to his/her scale and in his/her image and senses. Ask, “What was that like?" or “How did that make you feel?" etc. Without asking, you’ll never know.
So listen very carefully, be interested in the person in front of you - what he/she does, what he/she say, what he/she likes etc. The more he/she feels heard, listened to, and understood, the greater the emotional bond, cooperation, and stability in the relationship.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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