President Bush announced yesterday that federal funding will begin for a special new program aimed at eliminating what he refers to as “hairy chicks." The Free Disposable Razors for Lesbians Program is set to kick off with a “Shave That Nasty Hair Fundraising Gala" where top Washington officials and pundits will be in attendance. It will be a shave all you can style affair capped off by a buffet of “hair-themed" cuisine such as porcupine ribs, Polar Bear hair Pie, and Bichon Frise Brisket.
When asked about the importance of this program, President Bush said, “Hairy chicks are clogging Amerika’s eye-ball sight with their proliferous hair spouting out from all over their corpuses, and we jist can’t have hairy chicks running amuck in this great country of ours!"
Not sure of what the President was really saying, reporters asked Bush to further explain his statement. He replied with, “Well, ya see…hairy chicks are like little visual terrorist lobbing their nuklear arsenal of hairy-ness all around for Amerikans to see whether they want to or not, and that is the same tactics that Al-Qaeda is using."
During one of his hunting trips, former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld was asked about his stance on the president’s position. Responding in a somewhat perplexed (or confused) fashion with raised eyebrow he responded, “There is evidence to suggest that hairy Lesbian chicks are really undercover Al-Qaeda Special Forces operatives, quite possibly a super-terrorist cell operating all across the US today."
Still quite confused, reporters crowded around him asking for further explanation as to how this could be. Lowering his shotgun from the face of a colleague, Mr. Rumsfeld lowered his head in dismay and quietly stated, “It’s suspected that even my Lesbian daughter may be one of the hairy Chick’s main operatives. We suspect this since she has never taken to shaving and is quite hairy. And from what the defense department has discerned, lesbians like my daughter, who has never even so much as held a razor are generally the highest ranking officials in the “Hairy Chick Terrorist Cell". It’s a pity ‘cause I kind of liked her, but as an American, I have to do my duty to protect this country, even if it means shooting someone in the face myself!"
When told of Mr. Rumsfeld’s startling admission, President Bush admitted that he was aware of the possibility that “Lil’ Hairy Mary Rumsfeld might be a terrorist is just tragik-er than anything he could imaginate!"
Asked whether he had any final requests for the American public in helping to combat the travesty, President Bush said, “Yup, I sure do. If ya’ see one of them hairy chicks, stop ‘em and give ‘em a disposable razor and tell ‘em that we’re watching ‘em ‘cuase we’re Amerikans, and Amerikans aren’t gonna’ tolerinate this kind of terrorism-istic kind of tacktics!" he added, “Oh and be sure to attend the $1,000,000 per plate Hairy Chicks fund razor, so we can avoid having to use social security funds. And one more thing, “Let’s all be good Amerikans and shave!"
For more information on how you can help with this new federal program or to attend the kick-off gala, call your congressman and request a special “No Hairy Terrorist Chicks Anti-Terrorism Kit" complete with disposable razors to hand out to any hairy chick you encounter, and instructions on how to spot them.
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