Bush Declares war on Bonner
By Arman Tanzarian 
An international dispute between the nations of Canada and the United States hit its climax yesterday, when former hee-haw champ and now current president George W. Bush declared war on Raptors forward Matt Bonner.
The whole feud started Sunday afternoon, when Matt Bonner was seen sweating oil at the Raptors-Suns game. This caught the attention of Bush and led to the eventual declaration of war. But all of this was before an unjust propaganda campaign to smear Bonners image in the US. American media outlets quickly snapped into action and started to build up public support for the rash decision. From Fox News to the Cooking Channel, they all seemed to have a negative opinion on Bonner. We at Mattbonner.org have complied a list of headlines that were seen on American television in the build up to war.
Fox News – Sunday January 30 – 8:00 pm – Investigation into how Red Haired individuals may endanger homeland security
Fox News- Sunday January 30 -10:00pm – JFK was shot by Red Haired Individual? Fox News discovers new footage that could reveal a red head behind the shooting
MSNBC – Monday, January 31 – 6:00am – Red Haired Arab arrested at Canada/US Border
Teletoon - Monday January 31 - 7:00am - Sponge Bob fights a talking red radish
CNN – Monday January 31 – 7:35am – Congress passes new red head legislation that deports all Red haired individuals to Iceland
Fox News – Monday January 31 – 6:37am – Carrot Top arrested
CNBC – Monday January 31st – 8:15am – New study finds that the anti-Christ is Canadian
Fox News – Monday January 31 – 9:15am – Geraldo exposes Celine Dion as a Satanist
CNN – Monday January 31 – 11:00am - News report tells Americans that Canada is a threat due to all the water and moose’s we have
Fox News – Monday January 31 – 1:00pm – Matt Bonner exposed as leader of the red head union
Fox News – Monday January 31 – 1:30pm – Bill O'reilly holds Matt Bonner responsible for the deaths of the Easter bunny, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy
CNN – Monday January 31 – 9:00pm – George Bush declares war on Matt Bonner
This was perhaps a glimmer into bombardment of information being dropped on the American people to support the war. After the declaration by Bush, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Poutine quickly fired back by declaring war on NBC weather man Al Roker. This horrified the President because he thought that Al Roker was behind the weather.
“I think its too risky to get rid of the weatherman. He’s the guy who controls the clouds"
Said a confused Bush after being asked from reporters.
 Bush later on in the day took back his plans for war, due to the many risks involved.
Well looks like Canada has avoided a full scale war, and according to Prime Minister Poutine, a valuable message was also learned from the whole ordeal.
“I learned that I can substitute my children’s breakfast with dog biscuits and those little brats won’t notice"
A valuable lesson learned indeed!
Reporting from the white house this is Arman Tanzarian
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