This originally was written four years ago when I was at my wits end, frustrated and resentful with having the responsibility of caring for my Mother. I have updated the information to make this article current.
Mental Illness is a disease that not only effects the person but all the people around them. My mother will be ninety-six in December and has suffered with Mental Illness her entire life but it was not diagnosed until four years ago, when I was forced to put her in an Assisted Living Facility because of health issues. Upon admission to the facility she had a comprehensive physical and mental evaluation. What we thought was just Dementia showed that she was actually Bipolar. As an adult I now understand why her behavior was so irrational, but as a child, it caused many physical health problems that I must deal with today. Luckily she is now taking the proper medication to stabilize this condition.
The one lesson I have learned is that Life is not always easy.
I have also learned that you need to take a good hard look in a mirror and stare back at the person you are seeing and decide do you like the person you see.
It is a stuggle for most people to admit when they are wrong or that they are always quick to blame others for their failures or weaknesses.
How many times do you hear people say "It's the other person's fault" "I did not say or do anything wrong" "I can't help it, I don't know any better" "My parent's didn't support me in anything I did" HEY, SNAP OUT OF IT!!! GET A REALITY CHECK!!! You are responsible for your actions! You do have control! Dump the Pity Party and Sympathy Club and take control of your life and try to move foward!
If you don't like a certain characteristic about yourself, believe it or not, you do have the power to change it. Just remember how you felt being on the receiving end of either the verbal, emotional, or physical abuse and say "I know this is hard but I don't want the people I love to feel the way I did." Yes, it might take professional help to get there but if you admit you have a problem, get the help you need!
My definition of Toxic Love is a love that still hurts. When someone abuses you in any way, that is toxic love, especially when they claim they love you.
My definition of Love, is caring, protecting nurturing and making that person feel secure and confident and letting them know that even though you might not like their behavior at the time, you still love them unconditionally.
Isn't it amazing that you hear people say that animals always love unconditionally no matter what you do or say to them? I don't understand the concept of cruelty in any form or shape. No living or breathing organism should be abused and we should all try and think about the consequences of any action.
I am a survivor of Toxic Love and I thank my true love ones for helping me heal and break the chain. You can find strength from your faith, and most importantly by developing a way to communicate your feeligns either verbally or by writing. I found comfort in both. My story is not unique, actually it started off as a fairy tale.
My father was married before and had a son and daughter. His wife was sick a good part of their marriage and even though I did not know about her, I get information from my sister about how she too had to fight demons not knowing how long her Mom was going to live. My brother doesn't discuss his mother to me and for many years we could not really communicate to one another since he kept most of his emotions to himself. The age gap has never been a problem for my sister and myself and yes I am young enough to be her daughter. She has three children and her son and eldest daughter are older than I am.
My Mother was a young widow. She states that she was only twenty-eight years old when her husband died and she was left with two small sons. One brother was only eight months old, the other was five. She states that she was forced to work and that her mother was not supportive but did allow her and her two small sons to live in the basement of her house. As to what the condition of the basement was, I really don't know.
How did my parents meet?
Apparently, my Mother was a friend of my sister's Mother and she would visit her. How and when they got together is not clear. My sister says at one point her mother was very ill so we don't know if our Dad was a friend of my Mom or not but my sister believes that her Mother gave her blessing to our Dad to become friends with my Mother because she knew she was dying and didn't want our Dad to be alone.
At that point, my brother and sister were married with families of their own.
My parent's married June 30, 1950 and I was born on June 14, 1952. At that point, I must explain my other brothers were now twelve and eighteen. My eighteen year old brother was in the Navy and was married and my younger brother was a difficult child with many behavioral problems and although my Dad tried his best to be a Father to him, he was wild and unruly so out of desperation he was sent to a military school to hopefully give him some structure and discipline.
I know that life with my Mother was an emotional roller coaster ride for both my brother's growing up. My eldest brother will tell me that he was constantly reminded by our Mother that they should be grateful that after their Father died they were not placed in an orphanage and other things are just too painful for him to talk about. My Mother, to this day, favors her youngest son because she feels he never had a Father and would let him do anything he wanted. His is a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive person and definitely hates women by his lack of respect towards them. He has been married three times, has four chilren, gave up custody of his two eldest sons and also did not support or acknowledge his daughter from his second marriage. He was a so called Father to his forth child, a son but unfortunately because of his abusive nature from a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, this son has many problems of his own. Seven years ago, his sons from his first marriage searched for him and his daughter has also contacted him and they are trying to establish some sort of connection. He keeps in touch with one of his sons, and rarely calls his other one. The only time his daughter has contact with her Father is if she calls him. She has a little girl of her own, his only grandchild and he does not acknowledge her birthday or any other holiday. He is a stranger to her. My niece tried desperately to establish some sort of relationship with her Father but is hurt and confused as to why he is so distant. I speak to her on a weekly basis. I chose to keep my distance due to the physical and emotional abuse he has inflicted upon me throughout my childhood. I only speak to him when it concerns our Mother.
My older brother and I do talk but he has many emotional scars that have stayed with him all these years and he now admits caused many problems between his wife and children. He is trying desperately to salvage a relationship with his children and wife and is a wonderful grandfather.
My Mother is selfish, self-centered person who thinks that only she has had a horrible life and her anger and self pity has haunted her and us our entire lives. Her constant need to be the center of attention and for re-assurance and approval is mentally draining and she lives in total denial and will not admit any wrong doing and will in fact, twist events around to suit her needs She loves playing the role of the victim and her acid remarks are forgotten once she has said what she had to say with no regard for the person in the line of fire.
You might be asking yourself, how can I be so harsh? Well partially because I realize her life has been a rough road but as a parent, and a grandparent, I can not condone her lack of compassion for her children. we never were nurtured and never praised for the good things we have done. Children need to feel love and to this day I always end a conversation to my children, grandchildren and husband with "I Love You."
Getting back to the story.
Life was a dream in the beginning of 1952 until March 23, 1964.
My Mother lived a charmed life, I had a nanny taking care of me, and my earliest memories of her were those beautiful party dresses she wore and how she would entertain my Dad's clients with her incredible talent. She had a beautiful voice and is an accomplished pianist. She claims she was a child prodigy who played at Carnegie Hall when she was nine but I am not sure if that is fact or fiction. My Dad was my entire world. He would take me everywhere with him. I remember he would take me to a place called Aventure Land where we would eat all kinds of typical junk food and I would go on the Kiddie rides. I looked forward to our Sunday Outings. I could feel his love and how proud he was to have a young daughter. My Dad was fifty-two years old when I was born and already had grandchildren so he would brag about how I was his "Love Child" and I can still feel his love around me. As a matter of fact, his love has given me the strength to survive any obstacle that my Mother would throw at me especially when she was having a temper tantrum.
When my Dad was alive, if I did not spend time with him, I would go to my brother's house(my Dad's son). His wife was like a Mom to me and my nephews were my brothers. I remember how my sister-in-law would comb my hair and dressed me up for Halloween. She had lost a daughter so the void was filled for both of us. I needed a Mom and she wanted a daughter. My Mother never took any hands on relationship with me, she wa too busy entertaining dad's friends and associates. She was literally a stranger to me.
When my Dad died on March 23, 1964, my entire world came crashing down on me. I was now stuck with a woman who never was an active part of my life. She too was lost since her world was once again put back into reality mode which would mean no more parties, and no more being the center of attention. I must give the devil its due and I have to admit when my Dad had his first Heart Attack, she did help him with his business. I don't know all the details but after my Dad died, my Mother had a disagreement with my brother and my Mother decided we should move and I was taken away from the only stability I had known. We moved away and I did not see my nephews, or my brother and sister for almost a decade. My Mother was spiteful and told me they didn't care about me and it was a stroke of luck I was able to contact them when I was twenty-one.
My Dad spoiled my Mother and even when he worked full time, he would wait on her hand and foot when he got home when money was tight and there was no live in help and now that he was gone, she was not going to give up everything she was used to. She now had to work full time and a day did not go by when I wasn't reminded of the fact that Daddy had died and because he was so sick, and lost all his money, that I would have to pull my weight. I was only eleven years old. She claimed that the Gov't did not provide enough money so I worked as well and gave her money as well as cook, clean the house, and let's not forget take care of her every needs. There were no remote controls for TV's in those days, so I was ordered to come into her bedroom and change the channels on the TV. She did not care if I had friends over or not and would still yell and demand I come into the room to change the channels with not even a please of thank you. She was like a spoiled child who had to get her way. If I didn't cook dinner by the time she came home from work, she would pout and complain how hard she was working and the least I could do was take care of the house.
She bought me a puppy when my Dad died but again she reminded me how I had responsibilities and how when the puppy was young and sick how she had to cook meat and rice for him. That was short lived and the reality was the dog was just fine after a few months.
I too had interests, I was in the chorus in school but could not join any after school activities or programs because I had to work and help support the household. Meanwhile, she was generous with her sons and their families with gifts and yet she still took money from me. She also managed to go to Hawaii and Israel on vacations.
Any gift I gave her was never good enough and I remember when I was fourteen she made me return a gift I had gotten her and when I replaced it with another she still complained about the gift. I never was given a kind word of encouragement concerning school and while my friends were enjoyng their youth and having fun on weekends, I was doing laundry, cleaning the house and cooking. I was allowed to go out at night on Friday and Saturday as long as my work was done. There were times when I had steady baby-sitting jobs and was told that if my older brother needed a baby-sitter, I had to baby-sit for him at no charge.
When her younger son needed a place to live, my Mother opened her arms and he stayed with us not paying a dime and now I had two people ordering me around. my brother was always in some sort of trouble and in those days was drinking and using drugs and was both physically and verbally abusive to me. I remember one day when the phone rang and he was sleeping and he hit me with the phone leaving a bruise on my face. When I tried to tell my Mother about this, she told me that I should be more understanding because her son was having financial problems due to the end of his second marriage. Again, she felt sorry for him and told me again, that he never had a father. She didn't believe he was using drugs or drinking since he could manipulate our Mother and as long as he told her he loved her and how wonderful she was, all was forgiven. I felt trapped and did not know where to go or who to turn to. I tried to talk to my older brother, but there was nothing he could do and he had no proof of abuse since the wounds would heal and my younger brother always made up excuses how the marks were there.
I was only sixteen when I started internalizing the stress and I went to the family physician who ordered an Upper G. I Series which revealed a Duodenal Ulcer. He took me into his office and told me that I needed to get my feelings out or I would wind up with numerous medical problems. I briefly explained my situation and even though he sympathized with me, I was a minor and could not go anywhere else for help. In the late sixties, there were no agencies and places teenagers could go to for help. I had lost contact with my Dad's side of the family and did not know how to contact them since she had repeatedly told me that they did not care about me. I felt alone and yearned for the comfort of that family since they were always my comfort zone. As a child you believe what adults tell you and even though I still had my brother and sister-in-law's telephone number, I felt that they too would not be able to help me or the thought of yet another rejection would be too hard for me to handle.
I did find comfort in keeping a journal and writing down my feelings. we had a huge walk-in closet in the master bedroom where I would sit for hours and write. I did not have a room of my own and was forced to share a bedroom with my Mother. This has always been therapeutic for me and I have encouraged my own children and now my grandson that if you could not talk to me , or did not feel comfortable to discuss certain things to write them down and I never invaded their space or snooped around. Their thoughts were private unlike how my mother would look through my draws and personal belongings.
My husband has been my best friend since my early teens and his wonderful Mother became my "Mom" and was now my comfort zone. We had a wonderful Mother-Daughter relationship for almost thirty nine years until her recent death almost two months ago. When my husband and I found that our friendship grew and we started dating, my Mother hit the roof. For the first time in years, I had the strength to say No to her ridiculous demands. I wanted to be with my boyfriend and our friends. I wanted the freedom to go out on weekend during the day to the beach or just hanging out like most teenagers do. She would call his house screaming and yelling and would upset me but my wonderful "Mom" would comfort me. My husband and I just celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary on June 24, 2005 and until her recent death, I always found comfort in her words. Not only did I loose a Mom, but a wonderful friend and confidant.
My Mother called me defiant and when I insisted taking the summer off between graduation and my vocational school and working, she demanded I give her money for the summer to "cover expenses" I remember at the time I had to give her two hundred and fifty dollars. I gave her the money for the summer which was eight weeks worth of salary at that time.
When I began to spend the weekends at my boyfriend's house, she would have a tantrum and fit and one weekend without any warning she took my dog and brought him to the pound and had him destroyed. He was only eight. The same dog she claimed she got me to ease the pain of loosing my Dad. She told everyone and anyone who would listen that I neglected the dog and so it was my fault he was brought to the pound. If she had warned me of her intentions, I would have taken Buster with me on weekends. I felt like my Dad had once again been taken from me and so I finally got the strength to move out of her house.
My "Mom" had remarried and moved out of town and it was a perfect time for my husband who at the time was still my boyfriend and I to get an apartment together. I felt that if my Mother had demanded money from me and could do things without any thought to my feelings, that it was time for me to go. You have to remember in 1972, "Good Girls" did not live with their boyfriends. Luckily I did have a full time job and between my husband and I we could manage the rent on our first apartment. It was a hard step for me to take but a healthy one. Most of my friends felt I should have severed all ties with my Mother but I felt I couldn't abandon her completely since I know my Dad was depending on me to be there for her. She took pride in telling everyone that my Dad wanted her to have a daughter to take care of her. I believed it for years and felt responsible for her even though I knew in my heart I too, had a right to live my own life. I always hoped that forcing her to live alone would help her grow up and maybe not be so dependent on me.
My husband and I were married in June 1973 and our daughter was born June of 1975. Three years later, our son was born in May 1978.
I have to admit my Mother has been a loving grandmother to our children and I have kept the truth from them most of their lives since I felt it was time to put the past to rest. Unfortunately, they too, have seen her bizzare behavior and finally understand why I have issues with her.
She is still very dependent on me although she tells everyone that she had done everything on her own and my other brother's keep thier distance so if any emergency pops up, I am expected to handle it. She still feels that her young son had a rough time of it. No father figure, and yet, my older brother and I also had no Father or had one for a very short time.
For years I tried to bury the past and move foward and tell myself that she did not do all those horrible things to us on purpose. After all, she claims she loves us very much. Again, Toxic Love. No matter how you slice it, when you love someone you do not hurt them.
After all those lost years, I have a wondrful relationship with my sister and she brings me a sense of peace and comfort especially when we talk about our Dad. The only regret I have is the distance between us. Our brother has learned to communicate to us and I talk to him and my wonderful sister-in-law on a semi-regular basis. My nephews live quite a distance as well but we do talk from time to time and remember how it was before my Dad died.
I tried to hide my anger and frustation from my children but unfortunately, they noticed my anger. Why did it take over thirty-nine years for me to get to this point? I guess I was just tired of being the caretaker and unfortunately as a parent ages, there are health issues that must be addressed.
As I stated before, she was disagnosed with Dementia, and after numerous strokes was unable to care for herself. She needed twenty-four hour care and although I did try to arrange for long term care for her to have someone with her around the clock, until she finally agreed to take the policy,she was only covered for a year and I was forced to look into other options. Both her sons are now retired but do not want to have more than a casual relationship with her and so after looking into numerous places my family and I found a wonderful Assisted Living facility that will still give her the freedom to come and go as she pleases and yet have the nurses there to administer her medications and she gets three meals daily. Of course I had to sell her condo so that she would have money to pay for the facility. My biggest fear is that she will outlive her savings. I know that my brother's will not under any circumstances share any kind of financial burden with me so I must do my best to make the money last. I am her Health Care Surrogate and also her Power of Attorney and since I was in the nursing field I am on top of her care and must say that her Assisted Living facility has a wonderful caring staff and excellent physicians. Her anger was first directed at me and her verbal and emotional abuse was taking a toll on me. She blamed me for selling her condo and putting her in "Prison". She blamed me for her present living arrangements and once again, did not tell me she was happy there although she did tell everyone else how much she loves it there and that she is treated well. I had tried with all my power for the sake of my children to overlook her acid tongue but after all these years, my defenses were weak and I found that my visits were extremely draining. She finally agreed to see a Pyschologist who called me and told me that I need to regain control and limit my visits to her at ten minutes at a time and to take a break from visiting her. I stayed away for five weeks when she first moved to the facility but called the nurses on a regular basis to check on her. Once I showed my strength, she knew she could no longer manipulate me and did not have the power to push my buttons. Her younger son has retired and moved to Florida and lives about two and a half hours away and only visits her twice or three times a year. My older brother calls her at least twice a month. He lives out of state. I have limited my visits to once a month but I do call her at least three times a week. I finally have taken chage of my life and enjoy it.
I have tried as a Mother, Wife and now as a Grandma to always remember how precious time is and even though I can not recapture my youth, or get those years back, I made sure that my children enjoyed their childhood and took advantage of school and after school activities. I also gave them the freedom to be with their friends.
When I found myself angry and frustrated about something, I would stop and remember how easy it would be to take it our on the ones I love. I am not saying I never lost my temper, but I would try and gather my thoughts carefully because once the words are spoken they can't be taken back.
I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to my Mother about the past but she tell me "It is all in my head, she was a wonderful Mother and it is not her fault that she had to work" I told her many women especially today are forced to work but they still find time to nurture their children or at least hold them and hug them and constantly re-assure them they are loved. We all need to hear how much we are loved and appreciated and how wonderful we are. The world is tuff enough, you need to find some safe place or comfort zone to feel protected. I have always tried to make my home a comfort zone.
My chidren are grown and both married. My son has a wonderful son of his own and my daughter has a beautiful little girl who will be two in December. Our family has grown and they bring much comfort and peace to me. They re-assure me in many ways that they always felt love and knew I loved them unconditionally and I also thank my friends and other members of my family for showing me the true meaning of love. I guess you can say they gave me the strength to break the chain of Toxic Love.
It is amazng what you can learn from your children. I feel truly blessed that I now have not only my children to love but my wonderful grandchildren to love and spoil.
Even though I have tried to avoid conversations involving the past and to take things one day at a time and try to be considerate of my Mother's feelings, and avoid arguments, she still lives in a world of denial. I know the truth and unfortunately can't turn back the hands of time but just learn from these mistakes and not let history repeat itself. My peace of mind is knowing my chidren are wonderful, loving and confident adults who can reflect on their childhood and continue a health cycle of Love.
I have a wonderful husband I have much to be grateful for. So try and find someone or if you have no one to confide in, get professional help or find a support group of people who have had experiences that were also traumatic to them. It is amazing how much you can learn from one another and gather the strength to change the negative to the positive when you feel you are not alone.
Iris S. Taub
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