Without a doubt, we live in a crazy world. Have you observed a driver holding a cigarette in one hand and using a cell phone while weaving down the highway? Have you ever had someone cut in front of you while waiting in line? How about letting the door slam on you when you are entering a restaurant? What about children screaming in a store because they want something they can’t have? Or parents leaving their grocery cart in a parking lane rather than returning it to the grocery rack? These are obvious examples of incivility.
As parents, we pay a significant amount of attention with our children on schooling and social activities. We spend far less time teaching, coaching, and encouraging our children to be sensitive, caring and concerned about the needs of others.
We need to teach our children to be supportive of others, regardless of one’s socio-economic status, behavioral idiosyncrasies or learning deficits. Many children feel the need to elevate themselves by taunting other kids who do not meet their social standards as friends. Hurtful bullying, teasing and gossiping may become a pattern for children who lack the skills of civility.
One of the most important skills we can teach our children is how to respect, value, and support other kids, especially those who are different from their lifestyle, cultural or religious background, social characteristics, or learning style. Our children need to learn from our modeling and teaching to be inclusive in their social relationships, not exclusive.
Recently, I realized why the notion of civility was so important to me. One day when I was a teenager, my father invited me to attend work with him. I knew that he was a metallurgical engineer, but I had very little concept about the nature of his job. During my visit to my father’s manufacturing plant, one memory still lingers about the trip. My father was a champion for the underdog. Although he was an executive manager, he walked through the plant and was known by all of the factory workers. It didn’t matter who they were or what role they assumed, each worker would greet my father warmly and my dad would respond by acknowledging every person by name. My father’s civility left a lifelong impression which I tried to role model and teach to my own children.
Years later, I remember how pleased I was with one of my patients, when a school psychologist conveyed to me a story about this young man’s involvement with a special needs student. During my patient’s high school career, he was a very popular student. The psychologist, who had completed a psycho-educational assessment on the special needs student, recalls how my client walked this student to different classes and befriended him. The special needs student played soccer with my client and they spent a great deal of time building a friendship. My patient’s parents and I were proud that he had learned the lesson of civility in his relationships.
When children get off course in their road to civility, parents need to redirect them to be more kind, considerate and caring of all children. Specific civility concepts that parents can teach are:
Teaching children about multicultural tolerance and acceptance.
Assisting children to care about others because it brings them meaning rather than expecting anything in return.
Involving children in public service at a children’s hospital.
Instructing children to respect senior citizens by volunteering at independent living facilities.
Drawing awareness to common courtesies, such as introducing oneself, shaking hands with others, and thanking people for doing kind gestures for them.
Coaching children to share and play cooperatively with others.
Working with children to learn to respect and assist those who are disabled or have learning limitations.
Parents must make an effort to demonstrate through word and action what civility exemplifies.
A friend of the mine has a daughter who has just completed medical school. Getting into her school program was a highly competitive process. Although she had outstanding grades and very high entrance exam scores, the deciding factor in being accepted to medical school was not related to academics. She had served in the Peace Corp, and as any college recruiter will advise students, her global service in caring for people less fortunate was the deciding factor in her college admission.
We live in a crazy world. We see evidence of others who lack a sense of civility. It is the responsibility of all of us in charge of children to make sure that the world of our children’s future is more civil than the world we leave behind.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com . James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com .
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He received his post-graduate counseling training at Northern Illinois University. James has taught Master's level classes in counselor education through Chapman University of California. He specializes in working with patients who have depressive, anxiety, pain management and autistic spectrum disorders. James has written numerous articles on a variety of counseling-related topics, all available via Google searches. His first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble, is available at www.booklocker.com. James is in the process of having his second work published which is entitled, It Never Was About You: Saying Goodbye to theMagical Illusions of Childhood. He can be reached through his new, contemporary website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
» left by David Tanguay (1 year 250 days ago.)
Yes, like you say James "we live in a crazy world" Don't you think if we worked on the root of the problem, that is the way society itself is organized it would be so much simpler for a child to naturally be kind if the world outside was kinder place to live? But I suppose we should also educate the young on why these crazy people are like they are. Respond to this comment
Thanks for your response. Since the days of the 60", I have long since given up on trying to change the world. Currently, I am more interested in helping people cope with the nature of events. Maybe that's defeatism, but that is where I stand at this point. That does not mean I don't respond politically by contacting Congressman etc. I feel a sense of helplessness under our current adminstration to affect change and that sometimes makes me angry and frustrated. Respond to this comment
» left by Avis Ward(11,454) Avis Ward (1 year 249 days ago.)
Superb! Excellent! This article should be on every news wire across the world. I'm in total agreement with you. If those of us who are in contact with kids in some way were to model what you've shared, they would learn "civility in an unkind world." Sadly, the mentality of many is, "it's not my job." Thank you! Respond to this comment
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, we must take responsibility for the way our children conduct themselves in the world. Little gestures of kindness go along way. Thank you. Respond to this comment
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,711) Kay Elizabeth (1 year 249 days ago.)
I echo what Avis said, James, a brilliant piece. We as adults need to lead by example, otherwise we haven't got a leg to stand on if we decide to complain about the kids. There's some mighty rude adults out there and equally some extremely polite and thoughtful children. Let's hope someday it all comes into balance and we can have a more civilized society overall. Respond to this comment
Our parents need to focus attention on the majors not the minors. Parents may get caught up in power-struggles over things of small importance. In this article, I have tried to highlight what is important to focus on with regard to the character of our children. Thank you for your kind comments. Respond to this comment
» left by Jean Horst from Texas (1 year 249 days ago.)
James, thanks for this wonderful article. Very few people are born naturally polite and civil. I'm in the process of raising my own children now and my observation is that they are born with a "me first" mentality. If I don't make it a priority to teach them these skills, who will? Thanks for reminding me how important this is! Respond to this comment
Thank you for responding, Entitlement among kids is a big problem in our society. Teaching kids to get out of themselves and into others is a difficult task, but must be reinforced. Thanks again. Respond to this comment
» left by Steve Radford(779) Steve Radford (1 year 249 days ago.)
James, great article. I especially appreciate the way your dad set the example and effectively passed the torch to you. Thanks for sharing. Respond to this comment
Yes, the impact of role modeling behaviors of civility is powerful. Thanks to my dad, I learned that lesson. Thank your for your kind comments. Respond to this comment
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