In the thirteen years I've stayed away from a drink, the one question I have been asked the most is, "How do you know if you're an alcoholic?" I knew I was an alcoholic, because I couldn't stop reaching for a drink whenever I felt scared, or hurt, or angry, or jittery, or happy, or lonely, or confused, or bitter. When it's 9:45, and the liquor store close at 10, and you're racing down the roadway in your pajamas to get there before they close, that might be a sign.
My dad was an alcoholic, and no one in my family has yet to recognize it, and he passed away six years ago. No one thought so because he was not a fall down drunk, and he went to work every day of his life. I knew, because he could not go without at least 2-4 beers a night. Had to have them. Would go to another town if all the liquor stores in our town closed. He never missed those days at work, and he never missed those beers at night.
And if there was an occasion or a holiday or a visit, he would drink more than 2-4 beers, and would start his obnoxious, loud, belligerent arguing with whomever was unfortunate enough to be sitting next to him. He had no preference. He would argue with any family member, friend, or outsider. I watched and heard all this growing up, and I still became an alcoholic myself.
It's not hard to do, you just drink. You drink until the pain goes away. You drink until you can stop your brain from yakking, and you can go to sleep. You drink because you just want to escape the reality your life is undergoing at the time. An alcoholic can drink once a year, and still be an alcoholic, if during that once a year, they can't stop at 1 or 2 drinks, but need to get totally inebriated.
Need is the best way I can think of to explain an alcoholic. They NEED to drink. Or they think they do, anyway. Every celebration is surrounded by the amount of alcohol available. Beer, wine, mixed drinks, the more the merrier! I know someone who has had 2-3 scotches a night, so they can go to sleep, for the past 18 years I've known them. They have sent their wife out in snowstorms to go get another bottle of Scotch. There was a time I would keep a bottle on hand for when they'd visit, but stopped when I was used as a back up.
This person never misses work, has a prominent job, and has no idea they are an alcoholic. However, there has not been one night in the past 18 years, that they have gone without their scotch. It's a staple, like food. It's a must. A panic sets in if they go to the cabinet, and the cupboard is bare. And his wife would be off to the liquor store if my cupboard was bare, too!
My brother is an alcoholic, and, after 30 odd years of drinking, and stopping, and starting again, he has decided it best to "allow" himself to drink beer on Saturday nights. It "gets it out of his system" for the week. It doesn't matter that it was a Saturday night when he got his last DWI. He doesn't act any less belligerent like his dad, because it's a Saturday night! That's when all his arguments and fights occur. But still, he doesn't want to make the connection. "It must have been the full moon."
Denial is one of the strongest character faults we all have, especially if we are alcoholic. "Oh, I wasn't that bad!" "I don't drink that much." "I only drink beer." "I only drink wine." "I only drink on Mondays, I only drink when we have friends over." I knew a woman who was sober for years, and decided by now, it was okay for her to have a couple of glasses of wine while she cooked dinner for a friend. She then went out in her car to pick her friend up, got pulled over, it was her second DWI, and she lost her license for 10 years. She got it back when she was in her 60's.
There are so many issues down deep inside us all that we either ignore, or can't identify. Those issues are what make us drink. Any feelings or thoughts we don't want to deal with, we drink away. Always ignoring the fact that when we wake up hung over, or in a jail cell, the same thoughts and problems are with us, only now we have some more. No license.
"How do we get to work?" Most drive on the revoked list because they need the money to pay their bills. No pressure there, especially everytime a cop passes or is parked waiting to add to our "problems." "Damn cops! " In an alcoholic's world, it's usually everyone else that's at fault. "My father beat me when I was a kid." "I was bullied in school." "My girlfriend left me for another guy." We slyly refer to these as "reasons," but in reality, they are simply "excuses." Reasons why we can and should drink.
And the consumption of alcohol is way up in teens in school. I tried to get our Middle and High School to implement a Recovery program in the schools, but received no reply to my many e mails and messages. Those kids are soon to be out of school, and in society, driving around after drinking, not showing up at the workplace, not taking care of their responsibilities. Many have or will shortly have kids. How will they support them if all their money is going to the DMV and insurance companies?
It's almost comical how people think they act no different under the influence of alcohol. Many have seen for themselves, when shown the video tapes the cops took when they arrested them, and they couldn't even walk a straight line. And the ABC's were just so long ago, how could anyone expect them to remember?
Always someone or something else's fault. I wonder, if they took a poll, how many babies are born without father's because the mother was wasted, and doesn't even remember who she was with? I can't smoke in a restaurant, but the people at the table next to me just finished their 3 rd bottle of champagne, and will be out on the roads shortly. I know I'll be driving fine.
It boils down to the psychology of the mind. We alcoholics have to extinguish all that is within us, from childhood on, and leave the baggage at home, or at the therapist's office, or in the wind, but we have to get it up and out, or we are doomed. We won't be able to stop drinking with any success until we do. Therapy is the best mode of consciously trying to help one's self. A 12 step program is what saved me.
I was scared to death the first time I walked into a meeting, in my church, in the room downstairs where I taught Sunday school! I was approached by some women who helped me, and made me feel more comfortable, and I went to another meeting the next night. I didn't stop for 4 ½ years. I got involved, I sponsored a few people, I spoke in front of large groups, and I learned what I hadn't been exposed to as a kid. Tools to help me keep my life in order. Chaos surely will lead to drinking. I worked the 12 steps, and I made a lot of progress. i don't go to meetings anymore, but i know exactly where they are if i ever feel "the need."
I was calmer, more patient with myself and my kids, more focused, more connected with life. The more time went by, the better I felt. My kids never remember me drinking, and yet, I did. I stopped when my youngest was 3, my middle son was 6, and my daughter was 8. I had slowed down on my own the last year or 2, but that didn't kick me out of the "Alcoholic's Club." Why? Because when I did drink, at a picnic or gathering, I still had my alcoholic tendencies, I couldn't stop until I was just to the point I was able to make it to my bed from the neighbor's house, or the car, or wherever.
I couldn't just have 1 or 2 drinks, I had to have 6 or 7, even if it was only once every few months. The cold hard facts were that I was an Alcoholic, and I couldn't drink. Period. Going to meetings was the best thing I ever did. Knowledge is a Blessing, wherever it comes from, and I was able to get the knowledge I needed to stop drinking. No more hangovers, no more forgetting parts of my life!, and I had a lot of blackouts. No more guilt or shame. It felt really good, for the first time in 20 years. Instead of relying on booze, I was now relying on steps to help organize my life, and help me handle whatever came down the pike. And it was working.
It has been 13 years, and I have gone through some bad times in those years. My mom had already passed away while I was still drinking, and that desperate feeling drove me to drink more! After my 4 year drinking spree to "get over that," I was ready to quit, and get on with my life. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I managed well. It didn't hurt any less, I just knew how to handle it in a better way. Sober!
And I was able to use all I had learned to get through it without a drink. Not that I didn't think about it, but that I no longer reached for it. At my mom's wake, my brother and I had a couple of pitchers of beer between visitations, and were pretty drunk for the second showing. And yes, everyone knew. I didn't want to live my life like that anymore. How do you make up to your mother for that? You quit, that's what you do.
It doesn't matter how many times you drink a year, if you cannot stop once you start, even if you think you should, and other people have to fill you in with parts of your life, you might want to take stock of what's going on, and what role alcohol plays in your life. If you are at a bar and you feel woozy, and you're thinking about ordering another drink, but you know you shouldn't, and then you do, there's a problem.
And the problem could be that your mother left you, or your wife cheated on you, or you lost your job, and those are the things that you have to address. You have to take a look at what your real issues are and do the appropriate thing to deal with those issues. It could be meetings, or a therapist, or both.
Once these issues are discarded, one by one, the desire to drown yourself with alcohol, is diminished. But, that doesn't mean you can drink again. You still have an addictive behavior, and alcohol will not only do the same thing to you, but being a progressive disease, it will do worse. So, the key, I believe, is to go to meetings, once a week, whenever it feels comfortable for you, and see a therapist, get those issues taken care of.
Life is so much better without blackouts, and apologies, and guilt and shame and denial. And you save a lot of money! And your kids don't have to watch you act like an idiot, or be afraid after one of your tantrums. If you reach for a drink, and you remember you want to stop, and you reach for it again, and try to put it back, but you can't, you HAVE to have that drink, maybe you should go to a meeting. You'll always walk out better than when you walked in.
