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If you were
designing a custom home, your dream house, the house that you have always
wanted, where would you begin? Chances are that you would begin by contacting an
architect who would help you put your ideas, your vision, on paper. The
architect would ask you, "What kind of house did you have in mind? What did you
envision?" The process would begin with an idea of what you wanted. You would
literally see the house in your mind, whether it was a house openly connected to
the outdoors or a formal house in which you felt secure. You would have some
idea of how the rooms would be connected to each other and the areas of the
house that you would use for entertainment, for sleeping, for eating, and so on.
In short, you would have a concept of what you wanted the house to represent.
From the preliminary conversations with the architect, to the sketches, to
actual blueprints that would be sent out for bids by a contractor, you would see
your ideas develop into a concrete plan. And this plan would guide the
contractor to build your dream house. You would not be surprised if it took
months to develop this plan or even years, depending upon the degree of
complexity and the details that were to be included in the house. The more
details, the less likely there will be problems along the way.
Yet, when it comes
to building our lives, rarely do we hear people say that they have a "life
plan." Most people spend little or no time developing a plan for their life.
Fewer even consider writing a life plan. Most people's lives look like they have
been developed without having a plan. People's lives look like they have been
thrown together haphazardly in the hopes that they would work. People have lives
that don't have architectural integrity; they don't hang together as a whole.
Parts of their lives work, while other parts are falling apart. Much like a
house that's built without a plan, the living room may work, but the kitchen
doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the house. The rooms seem off, skewed, as
if they were simply banged together like so many boxes.
Imagine what
your life might look like if you actually designed it in the same manner as you
would design your dream house.* Imagine if your life had the same attention to
detail, the same integrity, and the same sense of craftsmanship as a
custom-built house you would love to own and live in. Imagine how you would feel
living that life, as you would feel living in your dream house.
The
question is, "Are you willing to put in the time and effort to design, plan, and
construct your dream life?" Henry David Thoreau declared that most people live
lives of quiet desperation. There is no doubt that the folks to whom Thoreau was
referring did not design their lives. The truth is that most of us simply fall
into our lives. It sort of develops around us as we are pursuing our careers,
motherhood, or merely trying to make ends meet.
We often admire other
people's lives, homes, careers, events, etc. and think that we could not have
anything that even resembled theirs. The only reason those "others" seem to have
what we want is because they took the time to plan for it. They put in the
energy to be creative. Regardless of how much money they had, they designed
their situation with maximum attention to detail. You do not have to have the
best that money can buy; you can have the best that your personal circumstances
permit. It takes desire, time, commitment, energy, creativity, discipline and
the motivation to make one's dreams come true. As Napoleon Hill proclaimed,
"conceive it, believe it, achieve it!"
I operate from the assumption
that a life based on a well thought out, detailed, and integrated plan will be
more gratifying and fulfilling than one that is not. I further believe that
having such a plan, in writing, and following it, while at the same time making
adjustments as needed, will be more re-warding and more balanced. If all of the
parts of your life are integrated into a whole, you will experience an
extraordinary sense of power. You will be able to reach a higher level of
mastery over your world and realize more of your human potential.
Re-Modeling vs.
Building New
*Throughout this
essay I will be comparing building or remodeling a house to the process of
designing and creating a life for yourself. This is a convenient analogy. I
recognize that a while there are many similarities between home building or
re-modeling to building and planning a life, there are many significant
differences as well. A home is static, while a life is dynamic. How-ever, the
concept of planning, designing, building a life is analogous to building a home.
In both instances one must plan; one must be conscious. All of the parts must
work together in order to have a well-constructed life or home.
When we think about
designing a home, we often have to con-front the issue of whether we should
re-model our current residence, buy another home, or build a new home. When it
comes to our lives, however, few of us have the choice of whether to create a
totally new life or re-model the life we have. We certainly cannot go out and
buy another life, a life that someone else has already lived! We cannot simply
discard the life we have and start anew; we are already living a life. We cannot
say, "Stop the world; I want to get off!" so I can build a new life for myself.
Therefore, we have to resort to re-modeling the life we have.
Once we
decide to re-model we should do a thorough inspection and evaluation. This
inspection will help determine the vision and the plan for what we want to
accomplish and determine the parameters of the life that is possible within the
constraints of our circumstances. The inspection includes an evaluation of the
infrastructure and foundation. We must ex-amine our personality, our history,
our beliefs, our values, our aspirations, our hopes, and so on. This personal
inventory will significantly influence the life we construct. Sometimes it is
necessary to do some serious soul-searching; sometimes it may require that we
call in a consultant to help us work through some psychological issues that
affect our functioning. The point is we cannot re-model our lives on a shaky
foundation any more than we could re-model a home on a shaky
foundation.
When re-modeling, we must have a plan in mind and it must be
put in writing. Writing out the plan keeps us focused. It keeps us on track. We
can make notes as we go along, correcting and modifying as needed. In
architectural terms, these are called field changes, i.e., changes made in the
field to take into account new information. Hence, flexibility is
necessary.
A Life
Vision
So now that we
understand the concept, how do we begin de-signing your life? As with any other
design, designing a life begins with a vision. If we are going to have a vision,
the vision should be complete. It should cover all areas of your life, as you
would like to live it. Your vision should be vivid, crisp, so much so that when
you visualize yourself in your life you can almost feel it as though it were
real.
There is no sense visualizing a sloppy life. If you were
visualizing yourself playing golf, you wouldn't visualize bad shots. You would
visualize yourself playing the perfect game. Every shot would be solid and true.
Similarly, when you visualize your life it should be solid and true. In order to
visualize your life, you must know what goes into a well-balanced life.
A Well-Balanced Life. Most researchers agree that there are eight areas
that make for a balanced life. The data is derived from explorations of high
achieving individuals, studies in self-actualization, and research into what
makes for highly effective individuals. These areas are:
- Personal growth
- Spirituality
- Recreation
- Health and fitness
- Community involvement
- Career
- Family and social life
- Financial
security
Personal growth
refers to activities that are geared toward developing the individual as a
person. It is a combination of psychological, intellectual, and emotional
development. Activities such as personal exploration through psychotherapy,
self-reflection, educational activities, self-help groups, etc. would be
included in this sector.
Spirituality includes, but is not limited to,
religion. In fact, religious beliefs may or may not be included. Spirituality
refers to activities that enhance one's experience of being part of something
that is larger than oneself. It is a heightened state of consciousness that can
be achieved through meditation, prayer, experiencing nature, pondering the
imponderable questions as to the meaning of life, increasing one's
under-standing of the nature of the universe and even through meta-physics.
Spirituality is the indefinable experience that often occurs when we view a
sunset or majestic mountain, or when we connect with another human being. It is
sense of renewal that comes from inside, from what might be called, our soul.
Recent reports have indicated that there is a positive correlation between
spirituality and recovery from illness, rapidity of healing, and
longevity.
Recreational activities are those in which we participate on a
regular basis, but not necessarily daily or weekly. These activities could be
sports or hobbies that enhance our sense of well being, give us respite from the
everyday activities, and a chance to renew ourselves in a relaxed way without
pressure. The activities may be physical and outdoors or sedentary and indoors.
Such activities as golf, photography, collecting, climbing, hiking, biking, and
sailing all fall into the recreational category. To be recreational, the
activity would have to be regularly enjoyed rather than only once in a
while.
Health and fitness concerns itself with how we eat, how we take
care of our body and mind, and how we exercise. Food is the fuel that runs the
machine that creates the life we want. People often take better care of their
cars than they do of themselves. They would not think of putting cheap gas and
oil in their high performance automobiles, but they eat fast foods with high fat
content. Exercise is an important component of a balanced life. There is
abundant evidence indicating the positive affects of diet and exercise on
emotional and physical well-being.
Community involvement is positively
correlated with happiness and even with physical health. People who participate
in some form of community activity, such as volunteering with nonprofit
agencies, being active on a city counsel, becoming involved in a political
campaign, or other political or community involvement, live happier, fuller,
more rewarding lives with fewer illnesses.
Career satisfaction plays an
important part in one's overall feeling about oneself. We identify with our work
and our profession. When we enjoy what we do for a living, and de-rive
satisfaction from doing a job well, we feel better about ourselves. For most
people, money is not the most important reason they work. Researchers asking the
question as to why people work, found that job satisfaction, feeling appreciated
and valued, feeling competent, all ranked higher than money in importance.
However, when these issues are not addressed, we often seek more money to make
up for it. If we feel trapped in a job that we do not like, despite the money,
we feel distressed and discontent. People need to feel connected to what they do
for a living. Hence, one's fulfillment with their work can affect their entire
life.
Family and social life are major contributors to our sense of
fulfillment, happiness and satisfaction with our life. If one is lonely,
unhappily married, isolated from family and friends, it affects one's entire
emotional state. Unhappy relationships affect our physical health, our
productivity, our ability to concentrate, our feelings about ourselves, and even
our very sense of self. The more content one feels in one's relationships and
family, the more content and meaningful one's life will be
experienced.
Financial security is another important factor contributing
to one's sense of well-being. Finances are separate from one's career. You can
love your career, but if you are not able to pay your bills, you will be very
distraught. Similarly, one can feel very financially secure, but if you hate
your job you will be likewise distraught. Keeping one's financial house in order
is extremely important for a sense of well-being, contentment, and happiness
with one's life.
Designing Your
Life
These are the eight
sectors (rooms, if you will) in a person's psychological house. Many people
spend far too much time developing one sector at the expense of the others. They
live in a one-room apartment rather than an eight-room house. Or worse, they
live in one room while the others decay from neglect. Men are notorious for
doing this. They spend a great deal of time developing their careers,
professional life, or business, often to the neglect of their families, their
health, or any other area of their life.
There are inherent dangers to
this approach. First, they may lose their families because their spouse may
become dissatisfied and decide to dissolve the marriage. Second, if their health
suffers, they are not able to continue their careers. Third, if they lose their
jobs due to layoffs or economic changes, they have nothing to fall back upon. A
person with a balanced life has seven other sectors to fall back upon in a time
of crisis in any one area. The same could be said for any of the other sectors.
A woman builds her life around her family. This is the only sector in which she
spends her time. A tragedy strikes. Her husband dies, loses his job, or runs off
with another woman. Or her children simply grow up; she is no longer needed as
"supermom." What does she have left?
While everyone's life will have the
same eight sectors, the sizes of the sectors will vary (Just as all houses have
similar rooms that vary in size). Some people will spend more time and energy in
their health and fitness room or community sector, while others will spend more
time in their career and finance sectors. The important thing is that all
sectors must be furnished, however sparsely. Some basic activities (furniture)
are required in each sector. For example, there should be at least daily
exercise and healthy eating in the heath and fitness sector.
What kind
of life do you want for yourself? What is the over-all purpose of your life?
What does it represent? Lives, like houses, come in all sizes, shapes and
styles. If we fail to design the life we want, we run the risk of ending up with
a life that we don't find satisfying, rewarding, or meaningful. Hence, it is
important that you think about what do you want your life to represent.
Designing your life requires that you consider how large each area will be
relative to other areas of your life. It will also require that you consider how
each area will work to support other areas, just as you would consider where do
you want certain rooms of your house located relative to other rooms. Once you
have made these decisions, you can then begin furnish each sector with the types
of activities you wish.
A Clear
Vision
Now that you have an
idea of what goes into a vision for your life, it is time to construct one for
yourself. Begin with a series of statements that clearly represent the life that
you want. Include in it statements about how you see yourself living that life.
Your vision should allow you to actually "see" yourself, as you want to be,
living the life you want to live. This vision serves as the blueprint for future
action. You will have to ask yourself, "Am I doing all that I can do to make my
vision a reality?" If you are not, then ask why not? Ask yourself what you are
doing that moves you away from your vision and why are you doing it?
Mission Statement
A mission statement
for your life serves as an overarching principle that gives your life coherence
and integrity. When you have a mission statement, you are able to ask yourself
whether the decision you are about to make or the direction you are heading,
honors your mission statement. Your mission statement becomes the acid test for
all decisions and actions. If what you are about to do, how you are behaving, or
the decision you are about to make, does not honor your mission statement, then
you must ask yourself why you are doing it. A mission statement gives purpose
and direction to your life. It is based on principals and values that represent
you. It is a declaration of your highest ideals, letting the world know what you
stand for. Having a clearly stated mission statement can serve as a guide
directing your life.
Making the
Plan
Now
that you have a clear vision, a mission, and an idea of what sectors are needed
for a balanced life, it is time to "furnish" your life. For each of the eight
areas previously discussed, make a list of activities that you would include in
each area. Think not only about the activities in which you are already engaged,
but also of those activities in which you might wish to become engaged. Let your
mind wander outside of the box. Do not think of practical constraints such as
time, money, or skill.
Personal growth: joining a self-help group;
psychotherapy; taking classes at a local college; participating in a study
group; learning meditation; reading non-fiction
Spirituality:
meditation; prayer; exploring nature; quiet contemplation; going to church or
temple
Recreation: hiking; biking; playing chess; collecting; tennis or
golf; antique hunting; attending movies or plays; hobbies of any kind
Health and fitness: going to the gym; jogging; biking; planning one's
diet; avoiding toxins; yoga; participating in a regular fitness program
Community involvement: local, state or national politics; volunteering
at a non-profit facility; participating on a committee to advance some social
cause
Career: working at a job that creates value; doing the job with
integrity; gaining satisfaction from doing a job well; finding right livelihood
that enhances one's self-esteem; working with others cooperatively
Family and social life: participating in regular family activities;
dinner with the family; recreation and vacations; participating in daily family
life; family conversations
Financial security: planning one's finances
carefully; keeping a budget; regular savings and investments; planning for
retirement; living trust; having a will; having a living will; planning for your
eventual death
Once you have listed some ideas for balancing your life,
you should go through the list again. This time, think about your vision; think
about your mission. Each item listed in each of the eight categories should be
tweaked so that it comports with both your vision and your mission. Each item
should further your vision while honoring your mission. To the extent possible,
try to have some items work in more than one category. For example, similar
items may work in both recreation and family insofar as the recreational
activities are done with your family.
You do not have to fill each area
of your plan immediately. Quite the contrary. You should take your time. Spend
time thinking about how you would like to furnish your life. Do some reading.
Collect information. Just as designing your life takes time, furnishing it takes
time as well. It is a work in progress. The important thing is to maintain a
consciousness about your life. Reflect upon yourself and the life your building.
Think about what you are doing and ask whether the action moves you in the
direction of honoring your vision and respecting your mission. In time, with
discipline, dedication, patience, and consciousness you will have designed the
life you want.
What are you going to do today to begin the process of
designing the life you want?
For
forty years Dr. Dreyfus has been
practicing as a clinical psychologist and life coach in
Santa
Monica,
California
where he specializes in individual psychotherapy, relationship counseling, and
sex therapy. He has recently published two downloadable
eBooks:
Someone Right For You:
21st Century Strategies for Finding Your Special Someone and Keeping Your
Sanity (In an Insane World).
For further information or consultation regarding psychological issues or
life coaching, you may contact Dr. Dreyfus at (310) 208-5700, or visit http://www.docdreyfus.com |
