I’m going through a divorce right now. It is emotionally draining, which to one who has Crohn’s, means physically damaging. I am trying to keep that in check. One way is by going to a reflexologist, which helps keep me balanced. It helps, it doesn't do so on its’ own. So, why can I still function and be grateful for the things and people in my life, when all around is falling down? I still appreciate the sunset, and the stars at night, and all three of my kids, and my partner, and my home, and my little dog.
How is that happening? My inner self wants to put my pajamas on, go up into my comfy bed with down featherbeds and comforters and pillows, and go to sleep until it’s all over. Wake me when it’s time to sign! I think strength comes from experience. I have gone through much to prepare me for this time in my life. I suffered to get rid of a lot of baggage, so I can now focus my attention on what’s important. I had a new walk in closet built, and my clothes are still all over my sitting room. Doesn’t matter, I’ll get to it when I do. I need time to rest, relax, concentrate, pray, and listen to the quiet around me. I try to stick to the main things, laundry, the kitchen, garbage, talking with my kids, writing, and the rest will fall into place. This would not have been so years ago. I would have been frantic that there were dishes in the sink and no towels in the closet, and dog hair on the carpet. And while I was scurrying around to do those chores, I was draining all my energy. Now, I take my time more. I delegate chores to others, which helps a lot, and I do what is necessary, and things that can wait, do.
I have been to the dark side of the soul twice, for two years each, when stress and frustration brought on bouts of my Crohn’s, and I was severely dehydrated and malnourished. I stayed in bed most of the time, sleeping each day away. Depression is a symptom of Crohn’s, as well as lethargy, and yes, I was there, and I don’t want to go back. No one will suffer but me. My partner will do what he does, my kids will go on about their business, and I will be left in pain. Weak, depressed, and wasting my life away. I need to keep the savage beast calm. The story has already started, I lived twenty two years of it, now is the time for the ending to draw near. The part that could really do me in if I let it. Who gets what and what happens to the house, and where will the money come from? All of these things are going to happen. No escape. I’m going to be walking into that courtroom, and my lawyer will fight for me. If the truth is able to come out, it will. No matter what, it’s going to occur.
And i will be what it will be. The only thing I can do is prepare myself to deal with my emotions in the best way possible. My faith sustains me, for I do believe good overcomes evil eventually. We may have to track through the mud first, but if we can keep our heads above water, and stay calm, chances are, we will be okay. Not that I’m not nervous or stressed, because I certainly am, but I can control it better than I used to, I know what the alternative is. Crohn’s is a disease. My body is at odds with itself. My mind and body are no longer in balance. The body is reacting in a negative way to the negative energy that I have been surrounded by. I try to counteract stress by taking time for myself, sitting on the front porch swing, admiring nature at it’s best. Beautiful trees blooming with white and pink flowers, bumble bees trying to find the nectar intended for the hummingbirds. Now, that’s a sight to behold. A tiny little thing flapping it’s wings so hard it looks like it’s suspended in the air by an invisible string, it can definitely take your mind off your problems. I write to get my feelings out, so I don’t add anymore baggage to what remains of yesteryear. I talk to my kids. I read. I clean. I spend time with my mate. I do whatever I can to stay at peace within my own skin. And I wait. Patience isn’t one of my virtues, but I believe it is a learned behavior, so I am trying to be a good student and grasp the concept of waiting peacefully.
I know it’s coming, a court room divorce, where neither side agrees. Will I follow my words, or give in to the demands of my brain, always racing a mile a minute? Hopefully, I’ll fall somewhere in the middle, agitated and upset, but not sick and depressed. I need to do this, not only for myself, but for my kids, my partner, and my home. It’s like a big test, I have to prepare, and then do my best. There are people counting on me to secure their home and their lifestyle. I’m the only one who can do it at this stage. So, I will try to practice what I preach. I think I’ll be fine. I just hope I remember to breathe.
Once this is all over, and I don't have to make anymore trips to the court house, or lawyer's offices, and I can move on from this spot, I am taking off. In my case, this means working on my writing. My kids are sixteen, nineteen, and twenty one, and I have the ability to have some time to myself after years of spending it on what I love to do best, raising them. Guiding them is more what I mean. They still need to be talked to about how to think, and why. This world is even harder than it was when I was young, and I want to make sure they are strong, and honest, and responsible, and can control their emotions in a positive way. This takes time, and midnight talks, and taking advantage of road trips to work my verbal magic, and stopping for an ice cream cone so I can monopolize their mouths being full, and say what I want to say.
I have been writing stories and having them published, and I will continue to do so. That part of life, is for me. It makes me happy and fulfilled and I can finally get whatever I need to out of my head, and into other's eyes. I want to enjoy my kids, and look forward to them beginning their own lives and starting families and bringing the grandchildren over. I want to spend more hours on my front porch swing. I want to make sure I appreciate all I have been Blessed with. And I want to continue strengthening my relationship with my soulmate. The man I will grow old with and who will share those grandkids with me. The man I met when I was twelve, and dated until nineteen, broke up with, and didn’t see again for twenty three years. We have been together again for almost nine years now. We enjoy being together, we do good together, with the house and the kids and the shopping and the property. We understand each other, and know where each other’s been. We are both succeeding in helping our kids grow into decent, honest, and humble human beings. And we’re not done yet. We’ll never be done.
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