Being able to use assertive language to gain more respect is only half the equation . Assertiveness also requires that you be able to hear the other person’s thoughts, feelings and wants as well. Showing others that you understand them is the most important step in the dance of emotional attraction.
Generally, during an emotional moment, two people are desperately trying to get their points across to each other and neither is actually listening, or is hearing but not connecting.
1. Make an effort to really listen
Be interested in the people in front of you - what they do, what they say, what they like. Show them that you have taken an interest. When they speak, look at them, and smile and nod understandingly: “Uh huh…" or “Hmm…" when it's appropriate
2. Never ever assume anything
When you really don’t know a person, projecting your values, beliefs and experiences on your date will only produce discomfort and conflict. And unless something is really wrong with that person, nobody will want a second or third date where they come to meet you for further discomfort and conflict or even humiliation. Don’t assume you know, ask: “Can you tell me more?" or “Can you give me examples?" etc.
3. Make it an effort to be other-directed
People want to know that you truly want to know them more deeply and they want to be in a relationship with those who respect their point of view not those who shoot them down at every opportunity. Show respectful listening by rephrasing: “So what you're trying to tell me is ..." or “Are you saying . . . ?" or “What do you mean when you say…" etc. When you're other-directed and not trying to insert your views or compare experiences, other people become curious about where you stand, and whether you’ve had similar experiences and want to know more about you.
4. Make it an effort to connect to their emotions
The reason and most important thing is not to ask with the intentions of gathering information (you can know so much about someone and still make no emotional connection) but to ask in ways that you touch the emotions. This is where the emotional connection is. You don't have to "think" of what to ask, just look into what he has already said or written and follow up on that. People give out so much information about how they really "feel" without even knowing it. “What was that like?" or “How did that make you feel?" etc." or “Do you feel . . . ?"
5. Validate their feelings
It is far easier to make judgments or give advice or sneak in your own viewpoint or similar experience (That has happened to me too, I've done that too, I know that person too, etc) than really recognize and understand the other person’s emotions or logic behind the feeling. Until you really share the emotions and feelings of the person you are trying to connect with, that person will tend to hang on to his or her emotions - the result is no emotional connection. Validating another’s emotions in away that leads to emotional connection requires curiosity, making a real effort to discover the course. “I can see why you are disappointed in…. since you don’t approve of …." or “It makes sense that you feel . . . because. . . ." or “I can see why you would not trust me until I show you that I can be different" or “Men/woman have always…., so I can see why you…". etc. Sharing emotions deepens the connection between the two of you and takes communication to an intimate level.
6. Sometimes assertive communication means accepting compromise
This is why it’s important to first know which of your values and/or goals are negotiable and which ones aren't. You may change your mind when someone presents a new perspective that makes you see things in a new light, but you shouldn't feel a need to change your mind just because you're afraid of what he or she may think or feel about you. Try to think win-win: find a compromise for you both get both of your needs or goals met.
The focus of Assertive Dating is to balance relationships, not control them; to gain esteem from oneself, not approval from others; to possess “power to," not “power over.
See also
Assertive Dating – How Not To Act Like A Loser Every Time
Assertive Dating – How Do You Get More Respect?
Assertive Dating – How Do You Ask For A Second Date?
Assertive Dating – How Do You Tell Him Or Her You Want More?
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
