Both men and women find it hard to say what they really feel or ask for what they really want because they are afraid that if they say how they really feel or ask for what they want they will end up displeasing the other person and not being liked; the other person will get upset or leave.
Although you may avoid some immediate unpleasantness by not saying what you really feel or asking for what want, you also jeopardize the relationship in the long run. To get what you want, you need to take your attention off others (not being liked) and focus on yourself—your feelings, wants, and limits
You need to ask. People don't always offer without being asked. As long as your requests are reasonable don't feel bad about asking. It is important that you respect others enough to tell them what you need and expect rather than expect them to know, as if they are psychic, and then resent or punish them when they fail to read your mind correctly. Even when people understand how you feel, they still may not know what to do. It is up to you to identify what you would like from them.
1) Choose a peaceful moment
The wrong time to ask for anything is when the two of you are fighting, when you or the other person is upset or the relationship is in “crisis". Asking for what you want is more effective when both of you are relaxed and if you are truly happy in the relationship. If your relationship is on the rocks, it is not a good time to bring up the conversation.
2) Ease into the subject
Before you can even begin to ask for what you want, you may first have to prepare others. Ask suggestive questions. For example, you want to know if the two of you are jut chatting online or he or she is really interested. “I can’t believe I almost deleted my profile. Imagine if I had" (it should be true) or you want to know if he or she is thinking about marriage. “I had dinner with my sister. She seems so happy. It’s rare to find happily married couples these days". You won't be able to get to the marriage conversation if you haven't talked about his or her attitude towards marriage.
3) Be concise and to the point
Some people are never at a loss for words, even if they lack meaning and substance and others are always at loss for words even if they have valuable thoughts and others worry they will not have just the right words. Whatever your natural tendencies are, if something is important to you, make a point to ask for it in as few words as possible.
The basic message of assertive asking is: This is what I think. This is what I feel. This is how I see the situation. This is what I want. For example: I THINK we have a wonderful relationship and I am very HAPPY the way things are between us. It is very rare to find someone one can CONNECT with the way we do. Do you think that we are ready to take this to EXCLUSIVE dating? I am ready.
4) Be ready with alternative solutions
Do not quickly give up before you’ve thoroughly understood how the other person reached his or her conclusions. For example, if he or she is not ready to take the relationship to the “exclusive level" it does not mean they are not in love or will never want to become exclusive. It just means they have some things that may be holding them back. Give only one reason why what you want is important to you and offer acceptable solutions of your own. Avoid thinking in extremes and do not threaten.
5) Handle their response with the right spirit and attitude
It takes a certain kind of strength to say “we need to talk" about these things. You must be able to handle their response. This is where real courage comes in. Part of the problem for most people is that the moment they hear a response they do not want or any sort of hesitation from the other party, their own insecurity interprets it as rejection, a painful and unwanted experience. Making requests is especially hard for people who have never given themselves permission to have wants and desires. They immediately launch into self-preservation mode and further communication is blocked. If your requests are refused, you are no worse off than if you had not asked at all.
Also keep in mind that asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee that you will always get what you want but it will increases your chances for getting what you want. If you scare him or her away by being assertive, then he or she is not ready for a give and take relationship.
The focus of Assertive Dating is to balance relationships, not control them; to gain esteem from oneself, not approval from others; to possess “power to," not “power over.
See also
Assertive Dating – How Not To Act Like A Loser Every Time
Assertive Dating – How Do You Get More Respect?
Assertive Dating – How Do You Make Sure You Are Connecting With Your Date?
Assertive Dating – How Do You Ask For A Second Date?
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
