Living With An Alcoholic Spouse: A Healthy Detachment
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Posted: Tuesday, June 05, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
The best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.
Don’t Make Alcoholism Your Problem
If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!
Don’t Enable
Most spouses of alcoholics don’t realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.
Get Off The Pity Pot
Get off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. “Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can’t take it anymore" attitude won’t get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn’t doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don’t hang around the alcoholic, and don’t let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.
Detach With Love
You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don’t try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.
Pray For The Alcoholic
I can’t tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)
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More commentsI found this article and got some relief from it. It was like hitting a nail on the head when I read that part about:
Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway.
I never thought of a alcoholic can be manipulative. When I tried to have conversation with him he would say such off the wall things that would make me feel bad. Now the more I think about it the more I realize I was being manipulated to make myself feel bad so he would not have to.
I need to learn so I can learn to better my life so I be strong to better his life. It is hard when this involves someone you love, but about to give up on,which scares me to death.
Have an alcohoci wife that has tried hard to stay sober, but contiues to rationalize that because of her anxiety its the only thing that calms her down. I have myself a victim for so long and been so paranoid to the poiint I try to find her stash so I can "intervene" before it starts. I have covered up her messes so she wouldn't be embarrassed, and this article made me realize that I am part of the problem. We have a 19 month old daughter that i love with all my heart and want to protect from her when she gets in her drunken spells. I love my wife, but have gotten to a point where i just don't feel like I deserve to have to live that way. She is the greatest woman alive when shes sober, but wehn she drinks, shes a completely different person. I've learned to accept the arguing and just smile and continue to tell her i love her, but at the same time i am trying to keep my daughter from having to experience it. When she is sober she talks about how much she hates it, but she can never seem to shake the power of the cravings and the call to do it when she knows what it will do. In this article I have found that I no longer need to victimize myself, and at some point need to be prepared to remove her completely from my life or step up and support her the best I can and encourage her her during the times shes sober. I can use any help anyone can offer since I am starting tis new journey today. Thanks to all of you who did post and for the author writing the article....I am seriously considering finding an apatment away from my acoholic wife of 55 years. I just cant take any more. Is separation a help for her or not ? help for me ? or just more problems ?
Please help
JohnI am new to this "alcoholic spouse" cycle, but your question struck a cord with me. My husband becomes verbally and emotionally abusive when he drinks, which has been 24/7 for the past 3 weeks. Some of the time he is exceptionally sweet to me, but without a doubt, he turns abusive by afternoon. I react badly to his badgering and berating me. Our explosive fights have escalated to physical violence (him pushing, spitting on me, throwing things at me, getting agressively in my face and yelling/spitting on me). I can tell when things are going to take a turn, and my first instinct is to remove myself from the situation. My problem is, I am SO worried he is going to really hurt himself. He flies into a rage when I try to leave. When/if I finally do get away, I am SO worried what he is going to do to himself, either purposefully or accidentally. OR what he is going to do to my belongings. He becomes very spiteful and mean when drinking. This is my biggest dilemma. Do I stay or do I go?? It is the biggest nightmare of my life. I love my husband, but he puts no priority on me or our marriage. He TELLS me he loves and adores me ALL THE TIME, but it falls on deaf ears. Especially after 10 mins before he was calling me every vile name under the sun. He becomes quite cruel. Anyhow, I hope you are well. I would be interested to know if you left your wife or not, and if yes, how that affected her and her disease. Best wishes.
I have realised that I need to detatch. But it is so hard. When he is yelling in my face, with his nose touching mine, that I am a b#$^& and a c#$% and I must get the f#$% out of the house, its hard. So I go. Out of fear, and I sleep in my car. I have where else to go. But I obviousely need to think of someone I trust, whose house I can go to. How to stay away from him when he is drinking? Well that's all weekend, and every other moment that he is at home and awake. I just called a friend whose spouse is recovering. Tomorrow I'm going with her to a support group meeting. I am right in the middle of my pity party. I have been good recently about not feeling like a victim, but when he gets agressive I go right back to my pity party. I love him so much - I just wish he was sober.
I have realised that I need to detatch. But it is so hard. When he is yelling in my face, with his nose touching mine, that I am a b#$^& and a c#$% and I must get the f#$% out of the house, its hard. So I go. Out of fear, and I sleep in my car. I have where else to go. But I obviousely need to think of someone I trust, whose house I can go to. How to stay away from him when he is drinking? Well that's all weekend, and every other moment that he is at home and awake. I just called a friend whose spouse is recovering. Tomorrow I'm going with her to a support group meeting. I am right in the middle of my pity party. I have been good recently about not feeling like a victim, but when he gets agressive I go right back to my pity party. I love him so much - I just wish he was sober.
Sorry Vanessa for your experience. I talked to my husband when he was sober to let him know that I love him very much and do not want to be an ugly person to him when he drinks. I let him know that either he can go to a different room or I can do stay with people that we both trust. Normally, from the recovery group. For example, my sponsor Joanna.
Also, I would like to give the link for codependency. It has been very helpful to me and a guide that I refer to often. I can't post the link. So if you want, please search "codependency pattern", it's on coda website
My alcoholic partner finally left me. In addition to all the behaviours described in the article, he would occasionally binge, staying out all night, and very rarely, for days. Each time would impact our relationship and finances deeply. It happened 5 times over the past 10 years, and each moment he was gone I obsessed about his welfare and whereabouts. When he returned, pathetic and remorseful, He wouldn't want to talk about it because it was "too painful"for him, the shame and guilt "unbearable"....
After many promises, especially that it would never, ever happen again, I would forgive and forget, counting deeply in his new apparent sincerity and commitment to change. With the promises forgotten, no AA meetings attended, and no counselling; within a week, in each case, things were back to normal. It was a slow steady ride downhill.
Over a week ago, he left in the afternoon. He responded to my calls and questions with lies. It was not until later in the day I realized he was not doing what he said he was; and wouldn't be home for some time. I had no idea it was to be never. Nor that our vehicle and all our tools (and savings, every cent!) would never be seen again, either.
Of course I am heart-broken. I love him dearly, and always will. I pray for him and hope he finds his way. Somewhere else.
For now, (it is far easier to say this today than it was the first) I need very much to care for myself for the first time in a decade; to find the person I used to be. I need to reconnect with the things I loved to do, and stopped, the day to day habits that came from my behaviour, wants and needs, not his. It feels so strange, but is becoming more familiar. And I am slowly coming back to life.
After moving my whole family across the globe. My husbands drinking got even worse. With no close friends and family he has free rein to do as he likes. Thailand has a serious expat drinking culture so his problems seem normal here he is in alco heaven.
I am clearly in the nag cycle. Always telling him not to drink not to go out blah blah blah. His response is that i am crazy' bossy' controlling. I yes i have become all those things. I fear everyday. Will he go out? will he come home? will he get smashed up again. He has had 2 crashes one on a motor bike whilst drunk and one on his mountain bike. ever time i cry and am there to pick up the pieces.
To be frank I do not love myself or him any more . The children are what matters but if I leave him then they will miss their dad.
I would not recommend any families to come out to Thailand as it never makes you but the stories i have heard its either another women or the drink that will break you.
such a shame as we are young and educated but the drink has wrecked it all. I am hoping that soon it will all be over. I need to get out of this country and away from him. I know i have the strength to do it. I am tiered from all the fussing and fighting but soon things will be better .
i have been married for 10yrs.And have 2 girls 9 and 7 years.my husband leaves home with the intention of going 2 drink a beer and this ends with him coming home in the wee hours of the morning drunk and remorseful ,saying how sorry he is and"he doesn't know what happened ".I've tried not to nag ,I've even went 2 to A.A with him,and as God make morning ,all promise are broken and he is back to his old self again . It's so FRUSTRATING !!!
It is easy to say don't be a victim of an alcoholic spouse as everyone knows. Even when you find ways of detaching yourself, like being involved with people and activities that don't include destructive drinking etc., you still have to return home. My husband's alcoholism has finally taken its toll in not only cyrosis of the liver, but now bone cancer. I just wish that young people would realize that if they don't take care of their bodies, that they may pay the ultimate price. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, one that can only be controlled by sobriety. Living in an alcoholic fantasy world, however, seems to take precidence.
After seven years of drinking, three previous rehabs (he was thrown out of because he would not go to AA and get a sponsor), my alcoholic husband is now in detox in a rehab facility. I cannot begin to tell you the utter mess he left me with to fix, clean up, kick out (nephew) staying with him. I stayed with friends for four weeks and came back to the apt. when he went into rehab. This apt. was a disaster mess! I had to deal with his insane dysfunctional family and nephews. Almost had to have the nephew arrested ( I can not tell you how much I did for these nephews, young adults for years, and they stab me in the back. His brother stole money from me while I was in the ER getting a splint for my wrist! Also, had to get a restraining order on the nephew I threw out of the apartment (long story). I'm angry! I don't like my husband any more. He disgusts me. He has been emotionally abusive to me!!! Now I'm supposed to drive to Alabama (4 hour drive) and stay for three days for family group. With a broken wrist (long story). I don't think so! If he had gotten help and actually done one thing he was told years ago, I would have gone, but now! After all of this. And we are about to lose everything financially. How can I forgive him. I am a devout Christian but the the anger, the feelings of betrayal are huge! Please help!
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