Do you know marriages that have become disconnected? There may be no yelling or throwing of pots and pans, but the closeness, tenderness, and joy have leached out over the years. The individuals just avoid each other. They exchange the necessary information to get the bills paid, the kids off to school, the cars serviced, and the clothes washed. But otherwise, he shuffles off to his job and she shuffles off to hers with barely a word between them.
For these couples, weekends are times to pursue separate interests, and commitments to the children are often used as convenient excuses to avoid time together. Couples like these are disconnected from the real partnership of marriage and have devolved into a kind of “roommate autopilot" that keeps them physically married but spiritually divorced.
We’ve put together five tips for staying connected. These are ways you can encourage connection in your relationship. (Don’t forget, our male readers have their own edition of The Married Life in which we give them suggestions. That’s why we don’t give men advice in this women’s edition.)
Disconnection between married people doesn’t happen overnight, and it can’t instantly be fixed. But experience has shown that small steps can have dramatic effects. Some of the suggestions below take as little as 30 seconds and can do wonders for couples who have drifted apart.
In addition, you may say, “I try to stay connected but my husband won’t help me. If he won’t meet me halfway, this is hopeless. Why do I have to do all the work?" This may be true for you. You may have a terrible husband who has no interest in being connected to you. He may grunt and demand his dinner without one care for your well-being.
But if you’ve chosen to make a life with a man like this, you will STILL be better off reaching out with an opportunity to connect than building a wall of resentment and silence. Your children will learn more about love and positive action by watching you take these steps. No matter how many failed attempts you make, leaving the door open to a stronger, more loving connection between you will yield more success than will abandoning all hope.
And many, if not most, husbands would love to be more connected to you…if they just knew how to do it in a way that felt natural to them. That’s why it is important to SHARE these suggestions with your husband. Print out this list, read it to him, and tell him why you’re doing these things.
60-Second Rule
When you come together after being apart all day, stop what you’re doing and spend 60 seconds looking each other in the eye and talking. That means stop whatever you’re doing – reading the paper, watching television, cooking dinner, playing with your children, etc. This 60-second reconnection exercise works at a subconscious level, creating a sense of warmth and home. The conversation need not be deep, or emotional, or about anything in particular. Just smile at each other and share the events of the day…both talking and listening.
Eat Breakfast Together During the Work Week
Is this easy? Probably not. Is it a guaranteed pathway to greater connection? Absolutely! All meals where you two eat together (and without your children) provide a tremendous opportunity to interact like adults and nurture your relationship. Breakfast during the work week can be a calm oasis in the middle of a hectic whirlwind.
Make a Shopping List and Buy Groceries Together
Couples often divide the chores to cover more ground in less time. This policy is no doubt efficient, but it tends to separate and isolate couples during the daylight hours, leaving the exhausted late-evening hours as the only “couple’s time." By sitting down and creating a special list together, you make this a new and unusual event. Going to the store and being creative together is a great way to share your time when your energy is high.
Volunteer in the Community
Working side by side in the service of those in need is one of the best ways to feel like a team again. It also puts your problems in a greater perspective. In larger cities, there are organizations that specialize in coordinating volunteers. If you can’t find one in your town, simply call a local church and say, “We want to help."
Go for a Walk Together
eHarmony Founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his wife of 48 years, Marylyn, swear by an early-evening walk. It gets them away from the TV, elevates their heart rates, and lets them talk in a casual way without being face to face. Twenty minutes and you’ve caught up and become a couple again.
Noted researcher John Gottman has spent the last 20 years studying married couples and the causes of marital discord. He has found that great relationships aren’t maintained by dramatic gestures, lush getaways, or special gifts and actions. Successful couples keep their marriages strong through the everyday activities they share together. They chat while they clean the kitchen. The laugh at each other and at the randomness of life, and each pays attention to what the other is doing and saying. They choose over and over to “turn toward each other," to use Gottman’s phrase.
Take this simple list and spend the next couple of weeks looking for every opportunity to turn toward your husband. Ask him to read this article, if you like, to help him turn toward you and discover the power of reconnection in your life together.
| eHarmony Marriage is a new, counselor-validated program to help engaged and newlywed couples prepare for the challenges of marriage. It's a private, personalized program that is designed to help you enjoy a strong, happy and healthy relationship. Complete the premarital questionnaire today and receive a FREE Marriage Action Plan. http://marriage.eHarmony.com |
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