Being alone was never one of my favorite experiences. I liked conversations with others, and being in a group of people at parties or get togethers. Once everyone left, and I was alone in my room, I found it difficult to fall asleep. I was edgy and fidgety and never could quite get the whole unwinding thing. It seemed I was wound up around the clock. When I finally dozed off, it was an hour or so before the alarm went off.
I suffered these restless and sleepless nights for years. I remember worrying that I wouldn’t get enough sleep, and would be tired in school. As time went on, and I got into the work place, I worried that I’d be tired for work. Being an addictive personality, I didn’t want any drugs, which I was offered over and over by the different doctors I went to. A definite counter productive statement from when I was in my twenties and used alcohol to knock me out. I was able to give that up, but the uncertainty of not being able to give up the drugs, forced me to decline.
It’s not been until the last eight years or so that I’ve been learning how to be alone with myself. I no longer have three little babies to take care of, which I guess, turned out to be my sleeping pills, because when they were very young, I was able to get to sleep much faster. I don’t have to stay in the family room anymore while the kids are watching a movie. I can go on my computer and write for hours at a time. I e mail for a while. I take a nap most afternoons, as I get drained as the days goes on. I know this doesn’t help my sleeping at night, nor does the amount of coffee I drink or cigarettes I smoke, but, everything in it’s time. I then get up, see who’s going to be home for dinner, and prepare accordingly, and go on my computer again.
Then comes the hard part. Being alone in my room. I turn the tv on, and sometimes I read, sometimes I talk on the phone, and sometimes I watch my nine hundredth episode of HGTV. I have learned to feel comfortable being alone with myself. I figured since that was going to be my nightly ritual, I would get some really nice, fluffy down pillows, featherbeds, and a comforter. I love pajamas that are comfortable, so I would buy a couple pair each time I went to the mall or Wal-Mart, until I had a nice collection. So, I’ve taken care of the comfort zone.
Then, after forty five years of watching tv, there hasn’t been anything that I have cared to watch, for the past two years. Except the Sopranos, of course. But now, that’s over. So, I play with my one year old little maltipoo, and watch HGTV mostly, and Seinfeld and Larry King, and that’s it. I don’t mind being alone these days. I like my solitude. I’ve decorated my room to be peaceful and serene, and I printed my own pictures out and hung them around the room. I enjoy taking nice aromatherapy baths. It’s nice to light a couple of candles, listen to some music, and just relax. Let all the pressures and negative thoughts melt away, if only for that period of time. There’s something about being in water that’s soothing, whether in a bath or a pool or a hot tub.
I think a lot when I’m alone. I remember things from the past, work through things of the present, and dream of things in the future. I rest my body so it will remain strong when I need it to. When I couldn’t fall asleep in my teens, and I’d complain to my mom, who was a nurse, she would say, "just rest your body, your mind will follow." Good advice, when it works!
I talk to my Higher Power, and my mom and dad’s spirits and try to stay connected to them, even though they’ve passed on years ago. I’m trying to keep my focus on aligning my mind, body, and soul. Not always so easy to do, but I try. I think we all need a room where we can go and be alone with our thoughts and feelings, and work through our problems and difficulties we may be having. A room that is filled with our favorite things. I have beautiful Indian dolls and statues, and pottery and healing crystals spread around my very own sanctuary.
Anything to help calm the savage beast! I hope I’m succesful. |
