When a chapter closes in our lives, we must grieve the loss and let it go. This is true with divorce. It’s the finality of mourning “what could have been" that is painful. Nevertheless, the work of processing the reality of divorce, with all of its implications and consequences, must be confronted with courage and integrity.
Completing our grieving, letting go of our partner and moving on becomes even more important if there are children involved. It is difficult to save our children from the ravages of divorce if we are unwilling to complete the work of ending our marriage after the divorce.
Many divorced people, unknowingly, remain bonded to each other through the use of anger, manipulation, and the refusal to negotiate with one another. If a couple could not promote understanding during the marriage, why should they try after the divorce?
A marriage never ends until the individuals involved are no longer bound together by animosity, stubbornness and the unwillingness to promote understanding, particularly if children are involved. Any couple who chooses to end a marriage must recognize the overriding need to place the well-being of their children above their own needs. This means that both divorced parents must put the desire to protect their children above their need to put forth “their story" as to why the divorce occurred.
Recently, I met with a child who was trapped in a horrible custodial battle. His response to me was, “My parents continue to act like babies. The fussing and feuding never stops!" Here was an eight year old caught in the middle of a “drama" perpetuated by his parents. How needless and unfortunate for this child.
In fairness to some divorcees, one individual in the partnership may have let go and moved on, while the other individual may still be clinging to an illusion of a relationship. Especially when children are involved, it is imperative that both partners end the marriage and move on. If the “relationship" continues after it has ended due to the refusal of one or both parties to grieve, most likely emotional scarring will be experienced by the children. Here are some examples of how divorced adults can make life miserable for their children:
1. When children internalize as anxiety the on-going feuding of their parents.
2. Kids may become frustrated, angry and feel trapped when a parent talks negatively about the other parent and tries to influence the child’s loyalty.
3. Youngsters often become confused when one or both parents try to “buy" their children’s approval.
4. A child will resent a divorced parent who plays the victim role and forces the child to “parent" the parent. 5. Children witness the unfortunate manipulative tactics that one parent uses to foster a sense of power and control over the other parent.
6. Many children despise being “caught up" in battles over visitation rights and other custodial issues.
7. A child may experience a sense of abandonment when one or the other parent creates distance toward the child.
8. Often children become discouraged and depressed when parents choose to use legal means to solve many custodial issues.
Children want the drama to end. They share Rodney King’s sentiments when he said, “Can’t we all just get along!" It is never too late to change the “dance." Divorced parents need to forgive themselves and their partners for their relationship shortcomings and do what is necessary to protect the well-being of their children.
After the divorce, parents need to ask themselves a significant question, “Am I still married?" Hopefully, if you are still connected to your former partner in a self-defeating way, you will do what is in the best interest of your children and forgive your partner for being less than perfect.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com or through his blog at www.leavingthebubble.blogspot.com .
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He received his post-graduate counseling training at Northern Illinois University. James has taught Master's level classes in counselor education through Chapman University of California. He specializes in working with patients who have depressive, anxiety, pain management and autistic spectrum disorders. James has written numerous articles on a variety of counseling-related topics, all available via Google searches. His first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble, is available at www.booklocker.com. James is in the process of having his second work published which is entitled, It Never Was About You: Saying Goodbye to theMagical Illusions of Childhood. He can be reached through his new, contemporary website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
» left by Susan Thom(11,833) Susan Thom (2 years 94 days ago.)
hi james, i agree with almost everything, except, in my case, the father of my children is a bonafide lunatic. however, my 20 year old and 22 year old can fend for themselves, but don't want to, and tomorrow, i go for a custody mediation, and since my husband has cut off cell phones (my 16 year old loved) and the internet (my 16 year old loved) and the directv(my 16 year old watches 2 favorite shows a night,) and because of all these shut downs, my son is scared his father will shut down this house-his home since birth, and had a panic attack friday night, so then what?
best regards,
sue thom Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,149) James P Krehbiel (2 years 93 days ago.)
Susan,
I tried to acknowledge that problem about an ex-spouse in one of my paragraphs. However, dealing with it is another issue. Regardless of his lunacy, you do the best you can to work around it for the sake of the kids. Thanks for commenting. Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (2 years 93 days ago.)
Divorce is always a hard thing to go through but if there are children involved the parents must be sensitive to their needs. As far as the response to the above comment, today's economy takes two whether through a divorce or not. I have 8 kids, went through a bitter, divorce, yet I found a way to work from home to subsidize our money issues. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I personally can not stand my ex but my children do not know that nor should they. Thank you James for a well thought out article.
Sandra Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,149) James P Krehbiel (2 years 93 days ago.)
You bring up an interesting point. Regardless of one's feelings toward an ex-spouse, keeping them from the kids demonstrates integrity, as difficult as that might be. Thanks for your insights. Respond to this comment
» left by Avis Ward(11,319) Avis Ward (2 years 92 days ago.)
James, your article provides much needed information for couples with children and are divorcing. I have seen far too many children hurting because of their parents. Divorcing is tough but forgiveness makes it easier. And as you said, moving on. The title of this article is great, James! Thank you. Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (2 years 92 days ago.)
Avis, Thank you for commenting. Like you, it pains me to see how kids are treated after the divorce. Scarring can be minimized if parents will only look out for the well-being of their kids whether divorced or not. james Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(1,900) Judi Lake (2 years 90 days ago.)
James, a very good article with many good points. Although I have never experienced divorce, two years ago I had a high powered divorce lawyer as a client. As her clients did, I too had to wait in the waiting room until she was ready for me. Being the people obersever that I am, I learned so much. Sadly, I literally saw many decent human beings transform into nasty revengeful people using their children as bait. Your above comment about the eight year old boy saddened me tremendously. Children need to be children and we need to protect them and allow them to be children no matter what kind of a mess our lives are in. That should be the adults problem; not the childrens. Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,149) James P Krehbiel (2 years 89 days ago.)
Judi,
Not excusing the parents, but when lawyers get involved in litigating a divorce it's a downward spiral. If people do divorce, mediation services are more practical and less traumatic. But the parents may want to dig in and show their control by hiring a high powered attorney. Then it becomes, my attorney can beat up your attorney! Respond to this comment
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