Not long ago, my fourteen-year-old daughter came up the stairs singing and smiling. “What are you so pleased about?" I asked.
“You know that boy who was hassling me so much last year?"
“The one who kept making all those sexual remarks?"
“Yeah, him...you know, the guy from the ‘in crowd’ who kept throwing his arm around me when I was with all of my friends… but he’d do it in a really condescending way just to bug me."
“On yes," I frowned, “I remember him… What about him?"
“Well, I saw him at the park today with all of his friends so I decided to call a ‘truce’." My daughter’s eyes sparkled mischievously as she continued, “See, if you’re in the in crowd it’s okay to go up and throw your arm around someone like me who’s not in the in crowd . But if you’re not in the in crowd , it’s not acceptable to go up and give someone in the in crowd a hug."
I was really intrigued now and urged her to go on, “…and?"
“So when I saw him with his friends today I called out, ‘Oh Ma-ark!’ Immediately he crossed both hands in front of him and said mockingly, ‘Don’t hurt me.’ ‘Oh no,’ I told him. I’ve come to call a peace truce.’ Then I walked right up to him in front of his friends and putting both arms around his neck, whispered in his ear. ‘I know that this embarrasses you when I come right up and give you a hug right in front of your friends… but if you keep harassing me the way you did last year, I assure you, it’ll get a lot worse!’ then I stepped back, looked him right in the eye, smiled and walked away! I was so stoked!"
My daughter has come a long way in learning how to deal with bullying behavior. I thought about the long road we had traveled together as she learned how to deal with bullying and teasing. I was grateful for the parent education books and seminars which had helped me to understand what I could do to keep my daughter from falling into the victim role throughout the many episodes of bullying that she encounter in her elementary school years.
Ultimately, I thought, what it really boils down to is understanding one’s own personal power. We had numerous conversations about power. I would remind her of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous advice, “No one can make us feel inferior without our consent." We talked a great deal about the power we have inside ourselves; the power we have to decide what we will do in each and every challenge we are faced with; the power we have to decide how much attention we will give the thoughts that make us miserable; the power we have to decide who to believe – the bully or our own inner knowing.
We discussed how people really do not understand personal power when they act in bullying ways. They think power is about controlling someone outside of themselves thereby proving to onlookers how “powerful" they are. In bully-mode we think, “What do I need to make others do?" When we truly feel powerful inside, there is no need to prove it to others.
Victim behavior also indicates a misunderstanding of personal power and indicates that we believe someone else holds the power to control us. In victim mode we think, “What will others make me do?" Real power lies behind the eyes – real power is about coming to know, manage, and understand our own inner world.
The key to helping our child avoid bully or victim behavior is to help her understand and claim her own true power. Talking with my daughter and coaching her about using her personal power helped. Far more powerful, however, was allowing her to experience her personal power in my relationship with her.
That meant that I had to learn not to focus on controlling and changing her actions. (I had to stop thinking, “ What do I need to make her do?" )
It meant I had to recognize when I was feeling like the victim in my relationship with her and change my victim behavior. Anyone who’s ever lived with a screamer will recognize the thought, “Oh no, what will she make me do now (so that I can avoid a tantrum)?"
I had to learn instead to focus on “What will I do?" in every situation. Focusing on “what will I do" gave her the power to decide what she would do. It helped me to stop punishing and rewarding her in an attempt to control her. Instead I learned to discipline her in ways that taught her how to control herself . When she needed to decide what she would do to solve a given problem it strengthened her capacity to deal with challenges and unwanted peer pressure . In essence, she learned to be assertive and focus on “What will I do" in each given situation because I stayed focused on “what will I do."
Do you recognize how we can teach kids about bully-victim behavior through our relationship with them?
We as parents often feel desperate and angry when our children are bullied or act like a bully. We want to know, what can we do to stop it? Often we focus on trying to change the outer circumstances for our child and end up frustrated in our inability to do so. (Note: If you believe your child in serious danger due to bullying, take immediate action to protect your child. Don’t try to change the outer circumstances, change them! Then work at teaching assertiveness.)
In most cases when your child is faced with a bullying situation, either as the bully or victim, recognize this as an opportunity to help him to discover his true personal power and inner strength.
· Teach him with your words and your actions that he can empower himself by deciding what he will do in the situation at hand.
· Help him to manage his inner world and to understand that when he takes charge of his inner world, others will realize that they cannot control him.
· Help him to realize that his opinion of himself is much more important than other people’s opinions of him.
· Recognize and acknowledge his inner strength and look for ways to bring it to the surface in your relationship with him, especially when he makes a mistake! Help him to use his strength to create a solution.
· When he misbehaves, focus on what you will do and encourage him to decide what he will do to correct the situation. Do not diminish, shame, or humiliate him to try and control him or he will learn that he can be diminished, shamed, or humiliated by others – or he will diminish, shame or humiliate others.
Be gentle with yourself and realize that it takes skill and knowledge to discipline children without the use of punishment, and to help them manage their inner world. Seek out books and classes that will give you the skills you need to help your child. You’ll be amazed at the personal power both you and your child will experience, you’ll create an environment where your child will come to you and not run from you when she is in trouble, and you’ll feel confident in your child’s ability to handle all of life’s challenges.
Maggie Reigh is an international speaker, author of the book and program 9 Ways to Bring Out the BEST in You & Your Child and published storyteller. Maggie has helped thousands to live more harmonious and meaningful relationships. Her presentations and seminars guarantee inspiration, involvement, and life changing tools. For more parenting tips and to sign up for Maggie’s free newsletter visit http://www.maggiereigh.com/family-parentingcourse.htm email: maggiereigh@gmail.com
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