As parents, we need to work on setting priorities with our children. We need to ask, "What are the most important values that we want to stress and instill in our children?" Make sure you major in the majors, not the minors. If you focus on minor behavioral infractions, there is a tendency to create conflict and power struggles with your children. In focusing on the behavioral minutiae, you and your child may lose sight of the significant values that you want him to embrace. Your priorities for your child's character and responsibilities should entail such tasks as serving others, treating others with respect, doing volunteer work, making amends for mistakes, and contributing to the household by doing one's share of work. When I worked in the schools as a guidance counselor, I once had an exemplary student who needed a recommendation for college. I asked her to provide me with a worksheet or resume of her distinctions so that I could write a quality response. In her worksheet, she weaved a story about how she would go to the landfill with her grandmother, look for broken dolls, take them home and repair them. Then she would deliver them to the children at a nearby orphanage. This is what I mean by encouraging children to cultivate worthwhile values and priorities.
Don’t get overly caught up in fashion design, hair color, and the types of music played by your children. These issues create unnecessary battles that go nowhere. If you continue to wrestle over less significant issues, you create the conditions for bigger power struggles and resentment. It's a delicate balance, but it's important to keep the lines of communications open with your child by majoring in the majors.
Parents need to effectively communicate their wishes and desires for their children. Kids don't respond well to parents who holler, scream, and reprimand in a scolding voice. In fact, as tempting as this behavior may be, you can bet that your child is tuning you out. You may also be creating an oppositional child through your well-intentioned, though ineffective means of parenting. Using positive reinforcement when your child does things right, or using encouragement helps promote involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both positive and negative, are more effective than trying to coerce your child into doing a task for you.
Asking children to make value judgments about the choices they make is more effective than moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things. If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child, "Is what you are doing in this class good enough for you? How do you feel about this evaluation from your teacher? What steps can you take to improve your performance?" Make your child take responsibility for his behavior. Do not accept excuses, such as "I hate this teacher or I just forgot to do some assignments." State your disappointment in what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to improve the matter. Box him in by making your child accountable for coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in writing if you wish, or a handshake, but get a commitment for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make your child explain how he will change things for the better. Be calm, somewhat emotionally detached, and persistent.
Fostering involvement with your children which helps promote respect, setting character-building goals and priorities, and holding your children accountable for improved performance are essential characteristics of quality parenting.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale , Arizona . His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He received his post-graduate counseling training at Northern Illinois University. James has taught Master's level classes in counselor education through Chapman University of California. He specializes in working with patients who have depressive, anxiety, pain management and autistic spectrum disorders. James has written numerous articles on a variety of counseling-related topics, all available via Google searches. His first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble, is available at www.booklocker.com. James is in the process of having his second work published which is entitled, It Never Was About You: Saying Goodbye to theMagical Illusions of Childhood. He can be reached through his new, contemporary website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
» left by David Tanguay (1 year 351 days ago.)
Very good advice given here James, although I've never been a parent I can see how beneficial your suggestions are. Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 351 days ago.)
Good article - you're right about how children do not respond to hollering and screaming, and another thing they do not respond well to is "threats". If you're going to take away privileges just do it, don't talk about it.
Thanks for sharing this timeless advice. Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(9,936) Susan Thom (1 year 351 days ago.)
hi james,
good food for thought. i recognized myself in all aspects, good and bad.
i am under the same understandings, though, and have actually practiced some of your suggestions through the years. thank you for a good article,
best regards,
sue Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,227) James P Krehbiel (1 year 351 days ago.)
Susan,
Parenting is an art, not a science. I am sure, like me, you have had you ups and downs. Thanks for your response. Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,067) Judi Lake (1 year 350 days ago.)
Very important article, James, especially in these days when so many kids are truly 'parenting' themselves. I especially highlight "...Your priorities for your child's character and responsibilities should entail such tasks as serving others, treating others with respect, doing volunteer work, making amends for mistakes, and contributing to the household by doing one's share of work...." It all begins at the home and it all should begin with the parents! Thanks, James! Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 349 days ago.)
Mr. Krehbiel, your article hit me right in the face and I am grateful that I read it. I am a screamer. I guess I got that from my mother and she got that from hers and so on but I remember how much I hated it and now I can see the same expression in my kids faces and things are not getting better but worse. Thank you for opening up my eyes and I hope I can be a better mom because of it because I really love my family very much. Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 349 days ago.)
Well, I am glad you found my article. I hope that you are able to make the changes necessary to respond to your kids more effectively. Best wishes to you. If I can help you in any other way, please feel free to contact me. james Respond to this comment
» left by Jean Horst(1,207) Jean Horst (1 year 348 days ago.)
As always James! Excellent article! I was so blessed to grow up with parents who did exactly as you describe... asking questions and making me think (especially in my teen years) instead of just preaching lists of do's and don'ts. Now that I have my own teens, I am even more aware of how valuable that was to me. Due to their modeling, my relationship with my own children is much smoother than that of many of our friends and their kids. Thank you for being so willing to share your expertise with all of us. Respond to this comment
» left by Francine Larson from Fla (1 year 66 days ago.)
Great article! How important it is to accentuate the positives a child can do. My granddaughter sets a great example for that. On her own, she gave everything in her piggy bank to the crisis in New Orleans.
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,227) James P Krehbiel (1 year 66 days ago.)
Francine,
Bless you granddaughter's heart. We she did is the civility that we should be teaching our kids. Thanks for responding. Be well.
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