A few weeks ago, I went to the National Society of Newspaper Columnist’s annual conference, where journalists and columnists from all over the country join together as colleagues and wonder what time the hospitality suite is open. This year the convention was held in Philadelphia , a city resplendent in history, museums, and an overwhelming interest in getting you, their hapless tourist, to try a cheese steak. Even a Vice President of Comcast, the company that sponsored the whole conference, waved his hands impatiently when asked about broadband access and cable-bundle profitability and said, “A real cheese steak is made with fatty meat and Cheez Whiz, not some fancy filet mignon, people! Geez! Now enjoy the upcoming ethics panel, and remember, Cheese Whiz!" Upon reflection, he was my favorite speaker.
While attending the conference, I stayed in a hotel called the Sofitel, which I believe is French for, “We may or may not show up with your room service." The hotel was beautiful, located right in downtown Philadelphia , but the employees were apparently so busy assisting the scads of investigative columnists searching for an open hospitality suite that they fell down on the job when it came to bringing the food you ordered. When I called down to check on it, the person on the other end said, “Oh, here it is!" in an amused tone, which made it seem like she had just found my lunch under a bed or had tripped over it while vacuuming. Somehow, food tastes better when you know someone has searched for it.
Another thing I learned at the conference was that for security reasons elevators on hotels now have you swipe your room key-card into the button panel before you can push the button for your floor. This caused consternation, frustration, and cursing from columnists like you can’t even imagine. Hardened journalists who have covered everything from Watergate to Iraq to the Pentagon scratched their heads and said “How the heck do you work this elevator?" while swiping their key-cards, bending them into unrecognizable shapes. After the floor button was finally successfully pushed, over and over again I witnessed the phenomenon known in Sociology circles as “Premature Conversation Termination." This, simply put, is when you use up all your conversation nuggets too early, and are left with a gaping, oozing blob of silence there in the elevator, an elevator which suddenly seems to be moving at the speed of sludge, so anxious are you to disembark. It goes something like this: (Floor 8, you and a stranger board elevator and struggle with card-key) “Hi! How’s it going today? Looks like a great day out there! Yeah, it sure does! Have a good one!" You both look up – you’re only on floor 6. You stare straight ahead – why is the lighting in the elevator making you look grotesque, you wonder idly, as you catch sight of your reflection in the shiny wall of the elevator. You smile at the stranger beside you, absolutely nothing to say to him. Then you think, maybe it’s not the elevator – Am I grotesque? Am I grossing people out? You smile, as if you have just remembered a clever joke, and the other passenger smiles uncertainly, not sure if you are smiling at/ with them. Then you both stare straight ahead again, and perhaps one of you hums a little tune. When the elevator finally lands on your floor, you both sigh, similar to the sigh heard when castaways are located by the Coast Guard. Then, you proceed right to the hospitality suite.
So, I boned up on writing and note-taking and ethics, and was reminded of the time-honored rules of having a column and being a writer: 1. be ethical in all ye attempt 2. Be a light unto your readers, shining your beacon of truth into the dark recesses of the planet and beyond (depending on your paper’s circulation) 3. The relationship with your newspaper is supposed to make you cry; that just means you’re doing it right, and 4. (and most important), Cheez Whiz on the cheese steak, not real cheese!
Deirdre Reilly is a nationally syndicated humor columnist and author of the humor book Exhausted Rapunzel- Tales of Modern Castle Life. Please visit her website at www.exhaustedrapunzel.com. Also, visit her new blog! http://castletalk.blogspot.com/
» left by LM Davids (2 years 110 days ago.)
Deirdre, I always enjoy your articles. I will never look at an elevator ride in the same simple way again. in fact, I think I am now afraid of them. Thanks for entertaining! Respond to this comment
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