It's funny to look back on my writing and see the "light bulb" moments in life entwined in amongst the words. Reflections of Self was written a number of months after Mask. It illustrates how the experience of depression captured in Mask can in fact be overcome. Not necessarily in a flash of brilliance or overnight but with simply a small glimmering of hope for change, because sometimes that's all we need to set ourselves upon the road to recovery.
Reflections of Self
Sitting alone, in a dimly lit room Pondering life She brushes her graying hair From her face and sighs, Scrutinizing her reflection In the window as the rain beats.
Her dulled eyes fill as they do so easily these days.
Even she can see their sadness That concerned friends comment on, But only amongst themselves, Too afraid of hurting her but unsure of why. They feel her pain, But she has distanced herself now So it goes unuttered.
Her heart has forgotten how to feel. Emotions so hidden for so long, Guarded to the point of dissolution. Memories of strong emotions are like fleeting dreams She's unable to grasp the wholeness of them as they fade, These glimpsed fragments of the way she once was.
When did she become so sad... She shifts uncomfortably in her chair. An unconscious action, more from the thought Than the position. Lost in melancholy, Drifting through each day soullessly Each one harder than the next it seemed To her jaded, tired mind.
What happened to the girl she once was... She muses, running her fingers over tired eyes. Reminiscences about a time When she was full of fun and laughter The spontaneity, the passion for life. She can barely remember her... That fiery spirit now quashed, Rising briefly and flaring occasionally, But not the same substance to it. Now barely a flicker.
Harsh words have replaced kind ones. Unkind looks instead of smiles. She finds it hard to recall what happiness feels like. It has been so long.
Her reflection looks back at her, The lines on her face accentuated in her mind. You got old, says the reflection. Not in your body, but in your thoughts.
That girl is still there. She remembers the way you were. How to laugh and have fun. How to enjoy life and take things as they come. How to give and receive love.
But she is submerged Drowning under the weight Of real and imagined responsibility. She can hardly draw a breath.
The reflection leans closer, Looking into her eyes imploringly. Set her free again. Release her chains of burden And she will return.
The reflection wags a finger at her But smiles softly. Live again for yourself. Obligations are your choice alone. Life is to be celebrated, not endured. Freeing your mind is the first step.
The woman considers this carefully, Running her fingers through her hair As she does in times of nervousness. Could she do that? Think of herself first? Be the person she was and wants to be Instead of this shell?
She rises up from the chair and goes through to bed, Feeling the loneliness engulfing her. But as she lays down, exhausted again, She is smiling, the way she used to. As she drifts off to sleep, she knows she can.
Her slumbering heart awakens joyfully At the thought of new beginnings.
Kay's articles, musings and poetry have appeared in both internet and
print publications over the years. She writes on a variety of subjects and you never quite know where her mind will wander. Kay loves to hear from fellow writers! You'll find her slaving over a hot
keyboard at her blog, Hill Holler, or editing The Cuckleburr Times, an online magazine for writers of all experience levels - created by writers, for writers. Submissions are most welcome there. Please feel free to reprint any of Kay's articles. All she asks in return is you include this bio exactly as it is.
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» left by James P Krehbiel(1,391) James P Krehbiel (1 year 31 days ago.)
Oh my God, you wrote this? This is one of the most moving and powerful poems that I have ever read. You could not have written this without having experienced the ravages of depression. Thank goodness the sunshine did come. Thank you for a wonderful contribution. Respond to this comment
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,606) Kay Elizabeth (1 year 31 days ago.)
Bless you, James, you made me cry...your comment means a lot to me, thank you so much. One of the pleasures I get from writing is knowing when it does resonate with someone else. I started writing as an emotional outlet for me and honestly believe ones like these are meant to be passed on to help others, ( ...hope that doesn't sound like vanity because it's simply not), so please use it, pass it on, share it any way you can with anyone. It does my heart good when that happens. :) Respond to this comment
My finger does a lot of wagging.
It's wagging now but for different reasons. I have been in error and only recently have I realised it.
The 'wagging' has made me feel humbled and diminished, but it's necessary at the moment in order to promote great change. I embrace that change as did you. The realisiation of new beginnings.
Rarely do people stand still and look at themselves in the mirror Kay. If more people looked more often, the world would be a much better place.
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,606) Kay Elizabeth (1 year 29 days ago.)
Thanks, Creative Blogger..sometimes I think we need to be knocked down to make space for the new. It's not pretty or easy having a demolition ball whacking you around, but once the dust settles, we can look anew and say "ok, let's try again and this time I'm going to try build it a different way." To me self-examination is so very difficult because you realize how little you know of yourself and in essence who you are, and that's scary...but if you can tough it out and be honest with yourself, it's amazing what a difference even small steps make. Best of luck to you and bravo for having the guts to even try! :) Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,244) Judi Lake (1 year 30 days ago.)
Oh, Kay, your words brought me right next to this woman/you within the dimly lit room and watching her, wanting to protect you and hug you. Your pain transferred into a tremendous gift; it is not often that I read poetry that is so well done and yet through the struggle, one can still sense 'the fight' emerging. I especially was moved by "...The reflection wags a finger at her, But smiles softly. Live again for yourself. Obligations are your choice alone. Life is to be celebrated, not endured. Freeing your mind is the first step...." How true and how insightful. Only someone who has gone through this painful journey could express it as eloquently as you have, I suppose. Thank you so much for sharing your soul with us, it has moved me tremendously, Ms. Kay!
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,606) Kay Elizabeth (1 year 29 days ago.)
Aww, thanks so much, Judi! I gives me so much encouragement when I hear someone say how a poem touches them, I can't express it eloquently enough. I know I'm not the best writer and can often look back now and see where I would have changed it nowadays, but then it wouldn't have the same energy to it, I don't think, so I leave my poems be mostly..it's rare that I revise them, and even then it's only a word here or there. Thank you again, Judi, much appreciated. :) Respond to this comment
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,606) Kay Elizabeth (1 year 29 days ago.)
P.S. Forgot to say, yes it was me that's in the poem..shortly after that I got up the courage to end the marriage and move forward with life, and have never regretted it. :) Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(8,322) Susan Thom (1 year 29 days ago.)
hi kay,
i hate poetry. i'm in the minority there.
however, your poem was the best poem i ever read. i felt it all, both in reality, and in your words and descriptions to the tea. fascinating. i have been in despair, and i have suffered clinical depression and i guess, regular depression, and you got down all the thinking and feelings that go with both. i know it, iwas there, you were there, and you were able to capture it beautifully. it's a gift to write poetry like that.
thank you,
best regards,
sue thom Respond to this comment
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,606) Kay Elizabeth (1 year 29 days ago.)
Susan, I'll let you into a secret, I never used to be that fond of poetry myself lol. It was only once I read the work of others that wrote about personal experiences like I do that I felt any kind of connection to it. I'd always imagined it to be stale like dusty old love sonnets or too "deep" for me, where I read it and thought "eh?" at the end, ha! (still read quite a few like that...)
But honestly, there's a whole other world out there in between those, it's a dazzling spectrum. :) You know what, I think you'd be good at it if you gave it a shot. Anyone that writes from the heart is, I think. :) Thanks for your lovely comment, Susan! (Your login at my place is all set up now by the way, I couldn't get past your email verification thing to tell you that and you don't have your Searchwarp contact set up, so this was the only way to let you know. Thanks for joining in there, it's always great to see new faces, and especially familiar ones! ) Respond to this comment
» left by Rodney from Newark,DE (250 days 14 hours ago.)
I like your poetry style. vivid very nice Respond to this comment
» left by Kay Elizabeth(1,606) Kay Elizabeth (173 days 14 hours ago.)
Thank you Rodney! I'm grateful you took the time to comment. I love reading them. :) Respond to this comment
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