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I have never been one to exhibit a great deal of patience. Even as a young child, I was impatient, and didn’t like to wait for things. Sure, you say, no one likes to wait, but I found that not to be true. Some people bring books or magazines to doctor’s offices, or schoolwork, or job related work, while I sit and watch the seconds tick on the clock. Having lived a life filled with turmoil because of my inability to be patient, I think all kids should get crash courses in being patient, from the time they are born, and all through school.
My dad didn’t have a patient bone in his body, as the saying goes, and I am my father’s daughter. This serious maladjustment in my personality has caused me a great deal of frustration, argumentativeness, anger, stress, and anxiety, for over fifty years. I think I’ve beeped at every car in front of me when the light changed. I’ve never patiently waited for the person in front of me to load their thirty items onto the express lane. I boil inside, and I’m sure my expression shows the same.
If I don’t feel like going into Home Depot, my least favorite bowling alley to walk through, and wait in the car, it’s pure torture. I don’t know if this is a genetic problem, or a learned behavior problem, or both plus some more, but it has certainly been some sort of problem! When I was pregnant with each of my three kids, two weeks was long enough for me. Nine months was excruciating! When we bought our home, it was ready to move in, I would have lost it if I had to wait until one was built.
Several years ago I started working on my character defects, one at a time, and in the beginning, it was like learning a foreign language. I would catch myself about to erupt, and hold it in, and then, end up letting it out on some poor unsuspecting human. I was going to twelve step meetings every night, so I was learning how to get rid of the garbage down deep inside, and deal with it, and move on. The more meetings I went to, the calmer I became. The less uptight and hostile and impatient I was. I found myself letting people go in front of me in line that had less groceries than I did. I started using time I had to wait at the doctor’s, which was always the longest waiting time, to just relax and enjoy the fact that I couldn’t go anywhere, I was where I was supposed to be, so why not take advantage of some alone time?
I started having more patience with my kids. I was able to talk with them, and not yell. We were able to go to the stores in an easier fashion, calmer, and more fun for all. They didn’t drive me crazy in the car anymore, and bedtime was a lot more peaceful. I realized through the meetings I was going to that you can control the way you feel to a certain extent, through your mind. "How important is it?" That saying saved me from getting mad more times than I can say. If I didn’t want to get upset, why should I, because my son spilled his juice? Just clean it up. That was another helpful saying, "Just do it." Get the mop, and just clean it up. Don’t even waste the time getting mad, it’ll be cleaned up by the time you’re done yelling! Another good saying was, "Pick your battles." That kept me from getting upset over every little thing, and instead, concentrating on the problems I could handle. And if I was going to get into an argument, it should be about something very important, or it was just wasted words, time, and inner peace. I also go to a Reflexologist, who helps me immensely.
I can be patient now. I can wait until another is done talking before I talk, when I used to interrupt quite frequently. I can calmly wait until the car comes onto the highway from the ramp that warns them to yield! I can take the clothes out of the dryer, dump them on my couch, and fold them calmly, which used to be one of my least favorite chores. Experience and learning methods from both the twelve step program, my Reflexologist, and reading, have calmed the savage beast that hid inside of me for so many years, just waiting to pounce. Once it came out to do it’s pouncing, there was no stopping it. Amends had to be made. I don’t want to live like that for the rest of my life, for this second half, I want to be calm, serene, peaceful, happy, excited, and involved in life. I pull back from a potential argument now, instead of to strike forward, loving the battle, and fighting to win, and if i do get into a confrontation,I handle it in a better way.
I don’t feel the desire for the old adrenaline rush. Now I get that same feeling from a ride in the boat, or sitting on my swing, watching hummingbirds, and cardinals, and chipmunks, and looking at all the beautiful flowers, and listening to our fountain. I have cute little sun catchers in a maple tree right by my swing, and I love watching them glisten, and they share the tree’s branches with chimes, that sound beautiful. And when I want to relax, I have my bed filled with down featherbeds, comforters, and pillows, so I can be as comfortable as possible.
I have beautiful pictures and knick knacks surrounding me, and I feel comfortable, and at peace. With time, I get calmer and calmer. Even when I have to wait! |
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