When people say to me that they can not be emotionally intimate with someone they feel they should be intimate with, I don't see it as "something is wrong with you", but rather “what are you afraid of?"
So many people "talk the talk" of emotional intimacy very well. They are so good at verbalizing their emotions—“naming emotions," “talking about feelings," or “sharing their feelings" but all they are doing is “downloading" information and not communicating “who they are".
What happens is that you can know a lot ABOUT the person but have no idea WHO HE/SHE REALLY IS. You like what they say about themselves but you are not really sure if it’s entirely true because there is a sort of “disconnect" or “emotional distance" between the two of you and you can’t exactly place your finger as to why that is so. And many relationships end because one person does not feel that “emotional connection".
And then there are people who are such good listeners but don't open up about “who they are" either. The emotional connection with these people is usually very shallow, not VERY EXCITING and doesn’t last long if there is nothing else to connect the two of you together (business, obligation, social, etc).
I personally believe that one of the reasons why so many people struggle with making an “emotional connection" has to do with how they were raised. Many people are raised by parents and caregivers who either never ever talked about feelings or who continually talked about their thoughts and feelings with you but you still never felt close to them.
The other root of the problem is how a society views emotions and feelings and their expression. Many people have been programmed with a code that says we have to put our emotions into words and that verbalizing emotions involves talking about problems or about what’s making us feel uncomfortable or unhappy or dissatisfied. The setback, I find with this is that people are conditioned by the words themselves. Instead of really experiencing the emotion (and feeling) from moment to moment and really being present with it, they verbalize it—give it a “word" or “name."
Verbalizing emotions can help you quickly disconnect from uncomfortable emotions and feelings. By giving those emotions “words" or “names," you can easily, freely, and safely move through them—good for you. But when you want to be emotionally intimate with another person, “verbalized emotions" are useless if they are just words spoken by one person to another with no true sharing of SELF.
Even the approach used by many professionals working with emotions and feelings is that of “verbalizing" feelings without any really feeling of closeness with the professional. I am always bothered in an environment where people are told to talk about their feelings and share their emotions as if feelings and emotions are separate from the individual. They are told “YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS" as if feelings are something evil or disgusting. Having been raised to think of "difficult to process" feelings as “the way my soul communicates that I am out of balance/harmony with who I authentically are" and been told to LISTEN to my feelings for “THE MESSAGE FROM WITHIN" seeing people being taught how to disconnect from their feelings and talk about them as if feelings and emotions are a “pest" to get rid of is very saddening.
But even more saddening is the fact that very few people are honest enough or insightful enough stop to think, “Wait a minute, I can talk the talk of emotional intimacy, but I am not really emotionally close to anyone. I have so many people around me, but I still feel very lonely even in the crowd. NO BODY really, really knows WHO I AM, perhaps because I have never really allowed myself to be KNOWN".
If you really want to experience true emotional intimacy, you must allow yourself to be KNOWN. This requires you to first build very strong emotional boundaries around yourself where you feel secure that you are opening yourself to people who are capable of VALUING your vulnerability. Emotional intimacy implies vulnerability. It means taking a risk and most likely getting hurt. The potential for hurt and damage is real and that is why so many fear opening up.
To protect themselves, people use all sorts of strategies including not allowing themselves to “feel". These strategies are not bad because they “protect" us but most of them they are not healthy because they also “protect" us from becoming emotionally intimate with even the right people.
Having good personal boundaries which come from a strong sense of self helps you know when your energy is being drained by a particular person and how to disconnect from that person without causing imbalance in yourself. It’s from this place that you can reach out and be emotionally intimate with another person. It’s only when you are KNOWN to somebody that you can truly feel and be ONE with that person, emotionally -- as well as sexually.
Allowing yourself to be known is necessary for sexual intimacy. In my African language having “sex" with another person is referred to as "KNOWING" that person. So can you imagine asking a man or woman so determined to woo you (and can't leave you alone) "what do you want from me?" and he or she says "I want to KNOW you!". Those words go through your heart, down the spine to the groin area.
Over there in the rural grasslands of Africa, sex is not fragmented into the physical, emotional or spiritual (as it is done here in the West), instead sex and sexuality is seen as a WHOLE -- A SOUL EXPERIENCE. When two people have sexual intercourse (consensual or rape), it is believed that "soul energy" is passed on from one person to another. If sex is consensual, the energy is positive and revitalizing (and even acts as anti-aging agent) but if it’s forced sex, the energy is negative and damaging to one's soul.
And while we in the West are so focused on learning the "right technique" of sex, over there young men and women are taught, during the rites of passage to adulthood, that the ONLY thought that should be going through your head when you are having sex (is NOT: How well am I doing it? Will I come too fast ? or Will I have an orgasm) but " I WANT YOU TO KNOW ME, AND EVERYTHING I AM ABOUT." And as you might expect, it takes a looong long time to KNOW everything about somebody. Most people during orgasm (also known as the "moment of truth") experience very intense emotions that they say can't be put in words. They may laugh hysterically, sob loudly, sing and others even temporarily faint because of the intensity of feeling.
If you really really want to KNOW the TRUE JOY of living a fulfilled life, make a conscious decision to allow yourself to be "KNOWN". Start with one person, even a perfect stranger, then slowly work your way to family, friends and co-workers peeling off the layers of "protection" as you go. You'll start to feel deeply and strongly in a healthy way making you a more loving person who attracts loving people.
Bottom line, you can not FEEL truly loved if you don't feel truly KNOWN. You can not be truly loved by another person if you're not truly KNOWN -- unless that person is a great listener who doesn't let him or herself be KNOWN either. Then you have love that is based on attachment born out of need. I am sure that those of you who've experienced TRUE LOVE -- I mean like where you really, really KNOW someone -- will agree with me that some of our greatest joys have come from deeply “KNOWING" that person rather than just his or her verbalized emotions and feelings.
If you want the man or woman you are seducing to trust you, believe in you, and be attracted to you, you must let yourself be KNOWN. And if you want your sexual experiences to have more meaning, intensity and pleasure you must allow yourself to be KNOWN by that person. My website has many articles that show you how to “KNOW" yourself in an intimate way and how to call on and use the POWER OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE when you are with a man or woman.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
