On a regular basis, I meet many women -- young and old -- who say they are happy being single and not looking for “anyone", but within a few days or weeks, I receive an email or phone call asking for my advice on “this person I just met". They say the relationship is just casual since they are not “looking" but the questions they ask and need advice on indicate to me that deep down they're hoping for something more real and longer lasting.
“It was fun and spontaneous and I felt that we had an emotional connection, but I am beginning to feel that may be I slept with him too soon because he didn't want to stay the night and has not called me. What do I do? “.
Not so long ago, it used to be that the man pursues and catches the woman. The woman on the other hand provides the challenge and when she’s caught, the man feels like he’s got his hunting trophy. But in the spirit of gender equality everything has changed.
Women tired of waiting for men who can’t pick up the courage or put in the effort to “chase" have taken to quick, direct strikes: saying “hi" or IMing him, flirting outrageously on a first date, kissing and grinding with him on the dance floor and having drunken end-of-the- night sex with him -- all in a matter of a few hours!
I see this aggressiveness all the time -- women who go after men hard and fast or get too serious too soon. You lose more than your self-esteem when you go charging after a guy like you-know-what-on-heat. You lose the opportunity of being valued as someone “special".
At this point you might be thinking, good advice, Christine, but I already slept with him what do I do?
1. First of all, there are people who have sex right away and a fabulous relationship follows and just because you slept together certainly doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. Just like you, he may still be trying to figure out what having sex with you implies, for him and for you. Give him up to a week, if he hasn't called, you just might have to call and find out how he is dealing with it. When you call, the first thing out of your mouth shouldn't be "why didn't you call me?" rather tell him how him not calling you makes you feel i.e. confused, anxious, shamed etc. and try to be calm and not accusatory. Some men (the mature and responsible ones), will really be impressed that you did not "pressure" him and will be more willing to talk openly - which is what you want.
2. Secondly, you should not be afraid to show a man that you are interested in him. A good number of men have no idea what pursuing a woman means, their “expertise" in this area is hitting her over the head with a club. Game over. You’ve been caught and you weren’t worth much of a chase or prize. Even those men who are still MAN ENOUGH to pursue a woman wait for “so many" signals to reassure them that they are onto “something good".
3. Thirdly, look for signs of acceptance or rejection. If you pick up on any signs of rejection, don't waste your time on something that is very unlikely to happen, no matter how much you think you want him. Some men will string you along, blowing hot and cold and then bail out on you.
This is more a matter of instinct than anything else. Really listening to what he says and reading his body language will give you clues as to whether or not he is interested in something more, but your instincts make it possible for you to “feel" his energy and not just what you hear and see. Instincts confirm to you what you hear (or think you hear) in his/her words and what you see (or think you see) in his/her body language. Make sure your instincts are sharp and alert (and you can trust them) it's the only way you can ever know for sure if someone is lying or not.
4. Fourthly, if he is showing signs that he is interested in pursuing you, PLEASE, please, do not start "playing-hard-to-get" before you've given him enough reason to want to chase you. Hiding your feelings, sending mixed messages and making yourself unavailable confuses and frustrates men. It’s imperative that you know how to send clear signals that suggest to him that success is possible, but some effort must be expended to achieve that success. Unless a man is assured that you're 'gettable' and that the chase will be worth it in the end, he will have no motivation to want to pursue you.
5. Last but not least, next time you are tempted to sleep with a guy you barely know, keep in mind there is a higher chance that sex too soon will kill the possibilities of something deeper and lasting. If you are just looking to destress, how you choose to do it is a matter of personal choice, but don’t turn around and expect a man to pursue you because he slept with you.
If a guy really wants a woman he will go all out for her. That's just the way it is.
I've written many articles on playing-hard-to-get while making sure that you're being chased and the chasing actually leads to something positive and promising. If you want to read these articles, go to my Date Doctor website, Articles Section, and click the Playing-Hard-To-Get category).
And don’t forget to let me know how things go. :-D
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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