Well another birthday has hit me square in the eye. I’m not sure what it means to be 59 years old since I don’t have enough active brain cells still working to fathom what reaching this age signifies. I do know, like everything else I am not happy with or quite honestly don’t understand; I’m going to make fun of my getting older. With no disrespect to anyone, here are a few of my quips and quotes about how I feel about becoming an even older, old man.
By far, the worst thing that can happen to a writer is to have one of those plaques put up in front of a house advising tourists the writer used to live there. The reason that is so terrible is because it means you are dead.
I know I’m a crabby person who likes to argue. In fact I removed my phone number from the “national do not call list" because I was running out of people to insult.
I visited a buddy in a nursing home while he was getting bathed. He yelled at the nurse when she started washing his genitals. “Be careful. Do you know where that thing’s been?" When she replied “no" He forlornly replied. “Neither do I."
I couldn’t figure it out. I can remember the time, day and date of something that happened to me when I was three-years-old but I can’t remember a person’s name. Then I saw a television program where they talked about people having a mental defect that prevents them from remembering names. I can’t remember what they called it.
Have you ever noticed that when you get old and really don’t care what you look like anymore that the pimples stop coming?
I have tinnitis and that is an especially strange and bizarre affliction. With tinnitis it seems like there is always a phone ringing in your ears. I went to the doctor and he gave me a new experimental drug. In a way it works. Now, in my ears, it sounds like a phone was left off the receiver
By far the best deodorant has to be Lemon Pledge.
My blood type is A B positive. The A B stands for Anheiser Busch.
I have always had a problem accepting quality over quantity. Now that I'm this old I say give me a choice between an eight ounce perfect cut of rib eye or an entire steer that died of some mysterious ailment two weeks ago and I’ll take the entire steer every time.
I’m going in for a hip replacement and I’m worried. My insurance company is so cheap that instead of authorizing a titanium hip socket, they have authorized the doctors to use treated lumber
As a child whenever I went to an Irish funeral, I would see the adults place bottles of Irish whiskey in the casket. I assumed at the time there were no taverns in heaven. Of course I realize now I was wrong. At least I hope I’m wrong.
I really can’t remember people’s names I swear on my grandparent’s graves that’s true. Whatever their names were.
I’m tired of all these medical types expounding how the human body is such a remarkable mechanism. Let’s be real. If it was we wouldn’t have to poop. Or at the very least it would come out in nice clean little pellets like it does for rabbits.
I know I’m getting forgetful but sometimes it pays off. The other day I was cleaning my keyboard real good while I was still in a word file. When I looked up I realized I had just written the sequel to Milton’s Paradise Lost. With a little bit of cussing.
I thought about getting in the telephone book business. I thought people might want a phone directory with print they could actually read but I couldn’t read the names of any of the printing companies in the phone book so I gave up on the idea.
You know you are old when you ask a friend who the cute young girl over on the other side of the room is at an osteoporosis clinic.
One day when I was really fed up with the world I told my wife maybe it’s time to just go off and die in the mountains. She told me to let her know when so she could pack me a lunch.
You know you are getting old when you wonder what Queen Elizabeth would look like in a bathing suit.
I went to the plastic surgeon to see if he could do something about my looks. He told me he works on heads but he doesn’t replace them.
The strangest thing about dentures is that when you are brushing them, you don’t need a mirror to see what you are doing.
You know you are getting old when after a shower there is a pile of your hair around the drain…and it’s from your eyebrows.
Probably the strangest thing about eating with no teeth is that when you put a sandwich in your mouth and bite down, you will notice the entire sandwich is still there when you take it back out.
I asked my wife why she acting like I was weird. She advised me she wasn’t acting.
I signed up for an age-appropriate aerobics class. The instructor told us the first day we were going to try and locate our toes and then the next class we were going to try and figure out how we could touch them without using our canes.
These old age catalogues are crazy. I got one where there was a page full of things to help hide varicose veins and another to cover rotted teeth and still another to hide facial splotches and marks. Then the next page had male enhancement pills for sale. Frankly if I meet one of the women who needs all that other stuff…I don’t want one of those pills.
To help my waning self confidence, when I go into a crowded men’s restroom I stand in front of a toilet, drop a rock in the stool for all to hear and yell out, “damn that water’s cold."
I don’t want to say the doctor thinks I’m going to need serious medical repairs soon but he has scheduled an outpatient service to have a zipper installed on my chest.
I guess I shouldn’t have smoked for forty years. The doctor held my chest X-ray up next to the television set in the lobby showing the smog in L.A. and it was hard to tell which picture was my lungs and which was L.A.
I have very low blood pressure. It seems all the bacon grease I have consumed over the years has my blood just slipping and sliding right along through my veins and arteries.
I guess I have some serious hemorrhoids. When the doctor came in the examination room and saw my primary one, he told me to roll over on my stomach until he realized I already was on my stomach.
My eyesight is shot. When I’m having a discussion with someone and they ask, “Do you see what I mean?" I reply, “Hell, I can’t even see you, let alone what you mean."
I think the government is trying to get rid of a lot of us seniors before we reach social security age. When you go into the building to apply for benefits you’re directed to hold onto a plugged in toaster while an agent sets off the sprinkler system.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
» left by Gary Lake (1 year 117 days ago.)
Mike, i just turned 56 yesterday and can identify with your article.....except for one thing you may have overlooked....ya see, i'm looking forward to old age and alzheimer's, i'll be making new friends every day! Did I spell that right? geeze i just can't remember! Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(6,887) Mike Fak (1 year 117 days ago.)
Good for you Gary. I wish to make light of no infirmity nor illness that befalls any of us as we age but I truly believe the greatest of God's gifts is to allow us our sense of humor when things only He understands happens to us. Thanks Again. By the way, as my father succumbed to Alzheimers, his sense of humor on those good days is what I will always remember the most about him.
"And the angels told us to laugh lest we understand and fall into perdition." Mike Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(9,014) Susan Thom (1 year 116 days ago.)
hi mike,
this article was so funny and happy and uplifting, and brilliant. i had a really crappy day, and this article definitely cheered me up.
thank you,
best regards,
sue thom (51!) Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(6,887) Mike Fak (1 year 116 days ago.)
Thank you Susan. I'm not sure brilliant and I go together but it is appreciated. Respond to this comment
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