My name is Cocktail Barbie. I am a self-made “Uptown girl". I love great shoes, handbags and Jewelry. You get the idea. I like to think of myself as the fifth character on Sex and the City. Unfortunately, my dating life is more suited for Seinfeld.
My latest fiasco’s name was Jeff. (AKA: Gumguy) If, for some reason, you’re thinking how mean I am to write about him and how his feelings will be hurt when he reads this…Don’t sweat it.
Gumguy is not what you would call computer literate. He actually asked me if working a keyboard was easy.
Gumguy had a few red flags. To say he is blue collar is like saying a jack hammer is kind of loud. He’s 44 years old, lives with a room mate and works for the city. He drives a car he calls “ghetto fabulous". Trust me; there is nothing fabulous about a 1998 Oldsmobile with scarlet red interior and a passenger side window that won’t go up. As any self respecting uptown girl will tell you, none of it really matters if it’s just sex and he’s HOT. Gumguy was definitely dumb as a stump and hot as fire!
Saturday night was our second and last date. I made him a Kettle One and cranberry. After a few sips, I notice a big, blue blob in his drink. Hence the name Gumguy. The conversation went something like this:
CB: “Is that your gum?"
GG: “Yeah. Does that bother you?"
CB: “Um…Yeah."
GG: “Ok, Sorry. I’ll turn the glass around. I was just cooling it off"
I admit I’ve put my gum in a glass before. WHEN I WAS 7! At this point my smile is polite while I nod and think “Are you KIDDING me?"
Gumguy and I go out for a burger. We head to a fine dining establishment known as Applebee’s. I know, classy. After a couple of cocktails, (Thank GOD) some chicken wings and a burger, the check comes. Gumguy refuses to acknowledge its presence. It’s that big pink elephant in the room he won’t admit to seeing. A couple of uncomfortable minutes go by and I reach for it. Gumguy apologizes and tells me he will pay next time, once he get’s some overtime pay. Once again, there’s my polite smile as I nod and think “Are you KIDDING me?"
We go back to my place for a movie. Two more hours would have been too much for me to bear so I opt for the Katt Williams comedy special I have taped. He does one of the funniest stand ups I have ever seen. A few minutes into the show I notice two things. Gumguy is NOT laughing and there is a large blue wad of gum in my sink! Ahh, here comes that polite smile and the “Are you KIDDING me?" thought.
After the show Gumguy used the restroom in my home. He peed with the door open! You can’t believe it? I’ll tell you again. He peed with the door open!
It was 10:10pm
. I told Gumguy I had a terrible headache and needed to go to sleep. He was out of my house by 10:12pm
. He also called while I was writing this. He got voicemail.
Possible Seinfeld episodes: Gum Etiquette
Bathroom Door
Roommates at 44 years old
Possible Sex and the City Episode: Can Uptown date Downtown?
Ok, so I put the last one in just to make myself feel better.
All of Cocktail Barbie’s stories really happened.
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