– “I JUST CAN’T SAY NO!"
Have you always felt like a DOORMAT?
Do you experience life as all or nothing
Are you a control freak, or feel out of control?
Do you run on ADRENALIN and feel flat if you stop?
Have you lost your passion and sometimes feel numb?
Do you attract people who are either “NEEDY and engulfing, or fear intimacy and are emotionally unavailable?
Are you still waiting for your partner to change?
Do you feel ALONE, even though you have lots of people around you?
Are you in the grips of addiction?
Are you in a relationship with an alcoholic / drug addict, gambling addict, or sex addict?
Do you have an eating disorder?
IF YOU ANSWERED “YES" TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM AUSTRALIAS MOST UNRECOGNIZED ILLNESS.
Co-dependency is a state of dis-ease that originates from the abandonment of the authentic self in order to survive within a dysfunctional family system.
As children, we are naturally egocentric and have boundless energy. We need both qualities to do the demanding work of growing up. When we have to use our energy to defend ourselves from abuse, no matter how subtle it may appear, the subsequent drain causes a diminished spontaneity and a lack of feeling valued. Because we don’t feel valued, our developmental stages are impaired and ultimately we do not fully mature.
Many of us who were raised in homes where this kind of behavior was common grew up in the delusion that what happened to us was “normal" and appropriate. Our caregivers encouraged us to believe that our problems arose because we didn’t respond appropriately to what happened to us. And many of us arrived in adulthood filled with baffling feelings and with a distorted way of looking at what happened in our family of origin. We got the idea that the way our families behaved toward us was correct and our caregivers were good. This meant by unconscious deduction that since we weren’t happy or comfortable with some things that went on, we were not “good". Also, we apparently couldn’t please our parents by being what we were naturally. This delusion that the abuse was normal and we were “wrong" locks us into the disease of co-dependence with no way out.
Co-dependents are so focused on and affected by someone else’s behavior that we have very little relationship with ourselves. So a co-dependent doesn’t really know his or her true inner self. We have learned to keep it hidden so that our sense of innate personal value, self-esteem and connection to others is distorted. Co-dependents either isolate, or become very focused on and affected by others’ behavior.
As co-dependency progresses, relationships both personal and in the workplace become increasingly dysfunctional and we don’t seem to know why. The underlying stress created from a distorted emotional reality has a negative impact on the immune system, resulting in physical illness.
Codependency is also the underlying cause of addictions such as alcoholism, drug dependency, eating disorders, workaholics, compulsive gambling or spending, sex addiction and love addicted relationships.
There are 5 core symptoms of codependency: If you identify with these characteristics - You are not alone!
1. SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES
I tend to “love" people I can pity and rescue
I tend to criticize and nag.
I am self-critical.
I worry about what others think of my close friends and family.
I receive my value from being needed by others.
I don’t feel equal to other people. I either feel “better than" or “less than" those I am with.
2. DIFFICULTY SETTING BOUNDARIES
I am unable to set realistic limits for myself.
I think the embarrassing behavior of someone close to me reflects on me.
I tend to lose my own identity in intimate relationships.
I often isolate myself socially and emotionally.
I am often attracted to people who hurt me.
3. DISTORTED REALITY
I constantly seek approval from others.
I avoid conflict and confrontation.
I am frightened by angry people.
I go against my values, if they differ from other people.
I can share intimate information with strangers, yet am unable to tell my partner because I fear rejection.
I feel guilty if I stand up for myself.
4. INABILITY TO EXPRESS ADULT NEEDS AND WANTS
I set aside my own interests to care for another.
I try to solve others’ problems.
I depend on others to make me feel happy.
I have a history of nervous attacks, allergies, rashes, headaches, depression, being frequently tired and non-specific illnesses.
I create alliances with my children to get them on my side.
I occasionally indulge in suicidal thoughts.
5. MODERATION ISSUES
I have extreme swings in my thinking, feelings and behavior.
I often swing from rage to resignation.
I am hooked on excitement because it gives me a sense of aliveness.
I am afraid of authority figures.
I often feel my life is out of balance.
If you are tired of being in pain, feel trapped in outmoded, destructive behavior patterns, you can create a new way of living. I know from my own personal experience that with willingness, education and treatment, breaking free from co-dependency is possible.
Robert Mittiga - Addiction & Codependency Specialist Ph: 08 8223 4555 (7days) Mobile 0400 801 557 www.gatscounselling.com P.O. Box 6411, Halifax St, South Australia AUSTRALIA 5000
Name: Robert Mittiga: Addiction / Codependency Specialist
Phone: 08 8223 4555 (7days)
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