 "VEHICLE" by The Ides of March My son and I were hauling a huge load of his college apartment furniture on a trailer behind my Jeep. We were bringing it home, albeit only temporarily, as he is moving back out shortly and getting ready to start his career.
We were laughing hysterically during the trip to the point that I’m sure onlookers thought we were lunatics. At times I couldn’t control the car or my laughter. I’m sure we resembled the Clampetts in their old truck; the only thing missing was Granny sitting on the old rocker.
I had the usual Oldie Station on the dial and an old song by THE IDES OF MARCH from 1970 was playing on the radio. It was called “Vehicle," and if any song’s lyrics have become more antiquated than this one, I would be flabbergasted.
Allow me to explain, starting with the opening line.
“Hey well, I'm a friendly stranger in a black Sedan."
By today’s standards, this line alone is reason enough for granting a search warrant to any investigating officers nationwide. If you don’t believe me, go ahead and give it a try. Drive into any city, with the windows down, and start singing that line to the kids or women on the street. I bet you will quickly attract the police and a sure search of your “Vehicle."
“Won't you hop inside my car?"
If there was any doubt about the validity of the above paragraph, that second line will reaffirm my position. Can you imagine this song being popular today? You would be better off just painting PERV in large letters on your car doors and living IN THE CAR – because no community is going to allow you residency while singing those lyrics.
And, they get worse.
“I got pictures, got candy, I'm a lovable man,"
Change the sign on the car doors to PEDOPHILE – with “Please Arrest Me!" highlighted in high-gloss, metallic, fluorescent, reflective paint. What were those Ides thinking?
“And I can take you to the nearest star."
Okay, just cuff him, read him his rights, and throw him in the slammer. Nah – forget the rights.
“I'm your vehicle, baby
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go
I'm your vehicle, woman
But I'm not sure that you know
That I love ya (love ya)
I need ya (need ya)
I want ya, got to have you, child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you."
A judge would not hesitate to label this singing pervert a dangerous man, and under today’s legislation, it would be a very long time until he saw the light of day again. Maybe Caesar’s soothsayer was right years ago. “Beware of the Ides of March."
In any event, this old song brought tears of laughter to my eyes. The lyrics threw me back to a time when we as a society didn’t have to worry about this kind of activity – a secure time when care-free lyrics were just what they were intended to be – nonsense that rhymes.
As we got closer to home, we drove past the high school where I taught for over 30 years. Still laughing, I looked at my son and asked him if we should drive around and wave to the teachers and students inside. You know, like making a “You poor suckers," statement. And then another old song came to light.
The Charlie Daniels Band once sang a song called UNEASY RIDER. I momentarily visualized the administration and security personnel chasing my son and me, on foot, while we circled the school property.
“Mario Andretti wouldda sure been proud
Of the way I was movin when I passed that crowd
Coming out the door and headed toward me at a trott
Now I guess I should of gone ahead and run
But somehow I just couldn't resist the fun
Of chasing them all just once around the parking lot."
Sorry about getting off the track there. Like the Uneasy Rider, I just couldn’t resist that whole scenario. Any former teacher would understand.
Stay tuned. In my next story, we’ll re-visit the old lyrics by Chicago – and “Make Me Smile."
“Children play in the park,
they dont know, I’m alone in the dark…."
On second thought - locate that author, cuff him and throw him in the slammer too. | 
